Saturday, December 12, 2009

Dear Diary 65

Dear Diary,

Why do people make it so hard to love them? I never thought being in love was suppose to be easy but I did think it got easier as the years went along. You would think years together and knowledge of one another would aid in the breeziness of being together. I'm finding out that's not true.

I love my husband to death but he likes to yell. It's so annoying. Lately i've really been trying to ignore him and find ways to deal with his behavior that do not involve us getting into an argument. I really don't like to argue. There's really no point in two people screaming at each other and trying to be right. All that does is make things worse and it makes me tired.

I don't see the problem with sitting down and talking things out, or at least trying to act like adults. If you want to be mad do you. Just don't drag me into it. I don't feel like yelling. I've been sick all week and haven't been doing any house work or cooking. All I care about right now is trying to get better. The flu does not allow you to do much anyway.

I've been home for a week and at this point i'm trying to rest up for work on Monday. I'm still not doing anything. Some dishes were left in the sink (that were not mine). The man didn't even say hello when he came home. He went straight to bitching and moaning about it. Annoying! It was all I could do to keep myself from laughing. Why are you so mad about dishes?

Between the coughing and everything else I have going on, I really do not have time to get upset. I came to the laptop and started blogging. If I get into it it may get deeper than it needs to and i'm really not in the mood. I just needed to get it off my system. I'm done.

Until tomorrow....

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Dear Diary 64

Dear Diary,

I am so proud of my son. He's more of a man at 18 than a lot of the so-called grown males I know. He is a sophomore in college and does very well in school. He worked at Yankee Stadium the entire season and loved it. How could he not? It's Yankee Stadium.

In the middle of the season, he found out that his girlfriend was pregnant. It was hard for him at first because he knew he wasn't ready to be a daddy, but something changed once he accepted that the child was coming. My baby boy became a man. I saw the change. It was in his posture, in his eyes, in his everything. He knew that he had to man up and that's exactly what he has done.

Baseball season is over and my son already had another job before it ended. He has also saved a pretty penny in preparation for his child's birth. He showed me his bank statement and I was very impressed. I still am. He has impressed me since the day he was born.

There's something about my son. He has such a gentle spirit and quiet nature. You feel comfortable when you're around him. He's always been that way. My boy is strong! I think back to the days when he was a toddler suffering from asthma. For some reason his attacks always came at the strangest hours. His father and I would be in bed sleeping at 4 a.m. and he'd come in the room in his Power Ranger pajamas and calmly let us know that he couldn't breathe. We were always more upset than he was.

My son has always been very active. He has the cuts, bruises, and stitches to prove it. He got hit in the head with a soccer ball when he was eight years old. Blood was gushing from his head and everyone was screaming, crying, and scared but him. He never shed a tear. The doctor could not understand how a kid could sit so calmly while he got staples in his head. I just told him that was his nature.

I feel like my son has always been mature. He has a way of looking at things that wraps them up in a neat, explained, and rational box. When everyone else is panicking he seems to be in a serene space. This will definitely come in handy when his child is born. I have no doubt that my son will be a good father. He's such a good person. My grandchild will be lucky to have him in their life.

Did I want my 18 year old son to be a father? No I did not. I know how hard it is to be a teenage parent. I wanted him to finish college, start his career, and be on his own before he had a child. For some reason God had other plans. The shock I once felt has turned to happiness. I'm planning the baby shower and wondering if i'll have a grand son or daughter. I refuse to do what I usually do and worry the situation into the ground.

It broke my heart when my son had to stop playing basketball for his team because he had to work. I know it is what he loves. I asked him how he felt and he said, "I'm doing what I have to do for my baby." I looked at him and smiled. I felt so much love for him that I thought my heart was going to burst. Well, I feel that way every day. He fills my heart with joy.

I have experience that my son can benefit from. He'll be fine. I know it. I have so much respect for the man he has become. His future is going to be bright because that's what he deserves. His child doesn't know how lucky he/she is.......but I do.
I will support my one and only son and the light of my life 1,000%. I'm doing it for my baby.

Until tomorrow....

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Dear Diary 63

Dear Diary,

I'm sitting at my cubicle crying. I've been thinking about my father a lot lately. His birthday is approaching. It's not as hard for me as it once was. It took me a while to be able to think of the good times and not go into a depression around this time of year. I know that he would want me to be strong and I finally feel like I can do that.

I love my father with all of my heart, faults and all. He wasn't perfect. Who is? Does perfection really exist? He was there when he could be. There was a monkey on his back that he had a really hard time shaking. He tried to find the answer to his pain in the bottom of a bottle. I knew that and accepted that he couldn't always be there when he wanted to be. He knew I did not like it when he drank so he only came around when he was sober.

It's crazy how much quality our time together was laced with. We went to Yankee games and talked about life. There are so many of those moments. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if he could have been there all the time. He was an excellent father, even though it was on a part time basis. We were extremely close. I never judged him and always tried to understand him. He's actually the one who taught me to be that way.

I'm not letting my father off the hook. He could have done things a lot differently. He had bouts of sobriety that lasted for years. Those were great times. He was everything a girl could want in a dad. If he could have stayed sober things would have been wonderful. I loved and supported him no matter what.

I found out about my father's death on his birthday. It was the hardest day of my life and I will never forget it. I also won't forget all that my father taught me. I learned so many life lessons from him. There are too many to mention. All I can say is he left a big mark on my life and the way I live. I know he's watching.

I am so glad that I am now able to think of all the good memories when my daddy's birthday comes around. I feel his love enveloping me every day. He's not physically here but his spirit is present in everything that I do. I hope he's proud.

Until tomorrow....

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Dear Diary 62

Dear Diary,

I'm going to be a grandmother. My son's girlfriend is five months pregnant. I wasn't that excited about it at first. My son is 18 years old and has a very bright future. He's a sophomore in college with a full academic scholarship. He's also a member of his school's basketball team. His girlfriend is important to him. His family is important to him too. That's nice, but basketball is his first love. I once joked that he was going to turn into a basketball and roll out the door one day.

Anyone who has read either one of my blogs knows that I was a teenage mother. Things did not go that well for me when I told my mother I was pregnant. She thought a lot about herself and what other people would think. Never once did she stop to think about what I was going through or how I felt. My mother reacted with total anger. It was a crazy ordeal.

No matter what anyone said I knew I was keeping my child. My boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband of 20 years, was there with me the entire time. We adopted an us against the world attitude. The three of us became a family after our daughter was born. We made it a point to never have to ask anyone for a thing. Having a child made us both very independent people. I have no regrets.

A child is a blessing. Our daughter was a blessing and so is my grandchild. Did I want my son to be a father at 18? Of course not. Would I have wanted him to have his career and life on track before being responsible for another life? Hell yes! Did I talk to him about sex and being protected? Yes! Do I think any less of the extraordinary person he is because of his situation? No, no, and no again.

There is no doubt in my mind that my son will be a remarkable father. He has such a gentle spirit. Kids flock to him. They know that he is genuine. He took the money he made working at Yankee Stadium and put it in the bank. He began to save as soon as he found out he was going to be a father. I'm proud of him. His bank account is stacked. He's already started being responsible.

My son's choices have forced him to do something I know he didn't want to. He had to quit the basketball team. That hurt me. He took it like a man and moved on because he knew it had to be done. The baby is the first priority in his life now. He knows what he has to do.

Yankee Stadium is not a regular gig so my son had to look for a permanent job. He found one within a couple weeks. It's actually a pretty good gig. He's been sporting an awesome mohawk for months. When he went to orientation for his new job he found out he had to get rid of it. I was upset for him because I know he loved his mohawk. Once again he took it like a man and went to the barber shop and did what had to be done.

I know how it felt when so many people turned on me when I became pregnant. I felt like my mother lead the charge for a long time. Once she realized I was not changing my mind and had gathered a lot of support, she came around. I think it's because she had no choice. My daughter is a wonderful young woman and my mother brags about her all the time. I have to laugh about that from time to time. If she had her wish my daughter would not be here.

I have always tried to learn from my experiences. There is no way I will ever make my son feel the way I did. I was upset at first because I know what it's like to be a parent at a young age. I made it a point not to express that in the wrong way, but I did tell him how I felt. It's frustrating when you talk until you're blue in the face to no avail. I stressed the importance of safe sex, but I also know that kids will not always use the tools you give them. Things happen.

So i'm going to be a grandmother. I've finally accepted that fact and i'm getting excited. A new life will be coming into our family. What once made me frown is now making me smile. I'm planning baby showers and looking forward to the day my grandson or daughter is born. I think my son knows the sex of the child but I have given strict instructions to keep me in the dark. I do not want to know until the baby is born. Family is very important to me.

My son has taken a detour down the road of life, but I have no doubt that he will find his way. I'll be there and ready to do all that I can to help. I'm going to be a grandmother. I haven't really talked about it or told anyone, but I think about it all the time. I wonder what type of grandma I will be and think about all the things i'll do with my grandbaby. It's kind of exciting. We haven't heard the pitter patter of little feet around our place in years. I'm sure that will bring a whole lot of life to the place.

Things are changing so much. That's what life is about. Let's see what happens.

Until tomorrow....

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Dear Diary 61

Dear Diary,

I was so aggravated when I left work Wednesday. The things they come up with on my job amaze the hell out of me. I feel like i'm taking a trip to grammar school five days a week. I was so happy that I would be off Thursday because I was on the verge of exploding. I prayed that the day off would help me get myself together so that I would be okay when I went in Friday.

God truly does work in mysterious ways. I got a call from one of my co-workers telling me that they needed someone to work Saturday. If I agreed to work I would be able to take Friday off. This was a wonderful thing! All of the offices are closed on Saturday and only the evening/weekend staff comes in. I wouldn't have to deal with anyone I didn't want to see.

The Lord knew I needed that extra day and I am so thankful. I had time to realize that he is in control and not the people who think they are. I cannot allow a boss with no backbone to upset me. The idiotic policies they come up with make no sense. I know this and i'm not sure why I get upset when they come to us with more stupidity and nonsense.

I have a plan for my life that does not include sitting in a cubicle five days a week. This is just a means to an end. I know the day will come when I will walk out of this place with a smile. I just have to continue to work toward my goals and not allow people without lives to affect mine.

I'm good and thankful.

Until tomorrow....

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Dear Diary 60

Dear Diary,

I love my book! This is the third time i'm reading it and the excitement is constantly growing. I actually think about the characters when i'm not reading and that's a good thing. I'm proud of myself. There was a time when I would not have said that because I would have felt like I was bragging. I'm so over that. So what if I am bragging. I wrote a book!

A few months ago I got a few friends and family members together and started a book club. They read a chapter of the book each month and we get together to discuss the characters and content. I chose people I that I knew would be honest with me. I didn't want any sugar coated feedback. I wanted the real deal.

Everyone in the club seems to love the book. They go from heated debates to personal stories that are related to a character or event in the book. It's awesome. It lets me know that those who read my book will feel a connection to what I created. It's such an amazing feeling.

It's such a blessing to have people in my life who support me and are willing to take the time to help me make my dream come true. I have wanted to become a published author for a long time. I'm sure my folks knew I had the talent but wondered if i'd ever get it done. I felt that way as well. I've written poems and short stories over the years but I didn't do anything with them. Most of it is in storage.

One day I looked at some of the poems that I have written over the years. Looking at the dates it's obvious that writing poetry got me through some things. The dates definitely correspond with stuff I was going through. Poetry was my outlet. It helped a lot to sit down and let my anger, hurt, or even happiness flow through my pen.

My husband and I were watching an episode of "The Cleaner" and a young drug addicted dancer had to come to the realization that she would no longer be able to dance. Even though she knew it might kill her, she wanted to continue to dance. I understood how she felt. I'm not sure what I would do if I couldn't write. It's my lifeline.

It feels good to be excited about what's going to happen with my book. There are other aspects of my life that need some work right now. My job is the first thing that comes to mind. I'm so happy to have an outlet that takes my mind off of the way I feel when I am there. I know that my days there are numbered. One way or another I will use the gift the Lord gave me to change my career situation. I can feel it.

Until tomorrow....

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Dear Diary 59

Dear Diary,

I'm having a bit of blogger's block and it's really bothering me. There was a time when, second to my book, it was the only thing I thought of in terms of writing. It's something i've wanted to do for a long time. I have no idea why i'm slipping. I need to get on the ball.

I'll get back on the ball. Right now i'm really concentrating on trying to get my book done. It's been about a year since I started writing and the editing process i'm going through right now is much more work than I expected. I've always said that I would not hire anyone to edit my book because I don't want anyone to try and change the focus and intent. It looks like I may not have a choice.

This is the third time i'm reading through the book and i'm still changing things and finding errors. It's actually fun. I still love what I have written. The excitement is still there. I can still visualize the day when I see my book on the shelves. It's going to be amazing.

I still love to blog and hopefully i'll find my love of blogging again. For now i'm going to concentrate on making my dream come true.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Dear Diary 58

I release, accept, and receive.

"God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life."--Psalm 54:4

Until tomorrow....

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Dear Diary 57

Dear Diary,

I have really been slacking on my blogging and book editing. I have no idea why or how this happened. There was a time when almost everything I laid eyes on was a blog topic and every waking moment was spent with my book pages and a pen in my hand. My original goal was to have my book published by the end of the year. At this point I don't think that is going to happen.

Today I took a step in toward getting myself back on track. My job gave a course titled, "How to Stay Focused on Your Goals." It was a pretty good course. The instructor was great. Her energy was wonderful and she had some great ideas. By the time the class was over I felt energized all over again.

I felt bad because I saw my so-called deadline slipping away. After class I realized that I never really had one. There were no specifics. "The end of the year" is not good enough. I now have dates in mind that I am determined to stick by, but I also know that I shouldn't down myself if the time comes and i'm not quite ready.

Writing is my passion. I don't want my process to feel like a chore. This is my dream. I definitely don't want to look back after all is said and done and feel like I had a horrible experience. Writing my book was a joy for me. Seeing something I have wanted for so long happen will be the cherry on top of a sundae that's been in the making for years.

I'm looking forward to the day when I can say i'm a published author.

Until tomorrow....

Friday, July 24, 2009

Dear Diary 56

Dear Diary,

It's not easy when a relationship you cherish falls apart. The Lord works in mysterious ways. He puts you in situations that force you to see who people really are and come out of any denial you might be in. Even though you may not realize it at the time, it's a good thing.

This is the situation i'm in. Circumstances have shown me who some people I thought were important to me are all about. After some careful thought I have decided that these people no longer have a place in my life. That's fine with me. I don't have time for dead weight. There's too much in store for me.

I have a problem with worrying. I've gotten a lot better but there have been times when I have thought things so deep into the ground that I stressed myself out. I can't do that anymore. There's no way I can move forward in my life if I am still holding on to the same bad habits. I'm learning to let go. It's not easy but it feels good.

Today I let someone know that I realized their place in my life and have decided to move on without them. It felt great. To be rid of energy that is bringing you down is always a good thing. Toxic relationships can really do a job on a person. I don't need that in my life. I don't need relationships that are not reciprocal. I just can't deal with that anymore.

Changing someone's place in my life doesn't mean I love them any less. It just means I have to love them from a distance. I'm doing all that I can to keep my heart healthy. It looks like that doesn't include people I would have loved to be a part of my life. I have to let go.

Someone emailed me this quote today and it really fits:

"Letting go of your old self and the process of letting the new you emerge can be one of the scariest experiences in your life. But by leaving behind your old self and taking a leap of faith into the unknown, it might just reveal what you are truly capable of becoming."

Until tomorrow....

Monday, July 20, 2009

Dear Diary 55

Dear Diary,

I wonder why things never really seem to work out 100% for me. Whenever I think i'm getting ahead of the game something happens to set me back. I know that I'm not a victim and God has a plan for us all. I get that. I don't want to seem ungrateful because I know that things could be much worse. I feel like i'm being prepared for a blessing. That has to be it.

I've always felt like I was being prepared for something. I guess i'm just impatient. How long does the preparation have to last? It would be nice to have peace of mind on a constant basis. I've been doing all that I can to be the best me possible. I've taken a journey of self and it has been very educational. I've learned a lot about myself. I'm so glad that I chose to look into who I really am and make the effort to be me and not who I wanted others to think I was.

Lately situation after situation have been popping up. It almost feels like I can't get it together. All I can do is pray and hope that God will give me the strength to handle what I need to handle. I have to take it all one day at a time. I don't want to become overwhelmed. I'm a strong black woman but there are times when it all becomes too much. I've learned to just take a breath and move on. It doesn't always work, but it helps.

In Jer 1:5, God says “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you.” I know he has a plan for me. I just wonder when it will come to fruition. I don't want to seem ungrateful or impatient with God. I just want to take a step forward without taking three back.

I know that you cannot have a testimony without a test but i'm growing a little weary. I'm not a selfish person. Lately I have just felt conflicted. I have a lot of faith in God and know that he has my best interest at heart. I'm just a little tired. I know that no one can live a perfect life and that's not what I want. I just want a little time to catch my breath.

Until tomorrow....

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Dear Diary 54

Dear Diary,


I've looked back and forth up and down the timeline of my life and it's been pretty good. Things haven't always gone the way I would like but I still can't complain. There are so many people who would like to be in my shoes and have the "problems" I think I have. There was a time when I did a lot of complaining but I have come to realize that complaining only forces you to stay in the same position.


Bitching and moaning about job, finances, or whatever else you're letting get you down is a waste of time. You have to get up, get out, and make things happen for yourself. It's not always easy. I have let life get me down in the past and didn't realize that I was holding myself back. I'm learning to get in the game and not be a spectator. It's important.


Isaiah 40:31. But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run , and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

A friend emailed this scripture to me. It's something I needed to hear. The words were perfect and right on time, just like God seems to be for me. A few things have happened to me recently that would have affected me in the past. I knew I was growing when I was able to keep the faith and move on. I prayed for the strength that I knew God was going to give me and went on with the business of living. It felt good. Life is going to keep throwing me curve balls and i'm glad that I am learning that I don't always have to dodge them. I can face them head on and know that my faith in God will pull me through.


I named this blog after the person I was aspiring to be. I started down a path and wasn't sure where it would lead. I just knew I had to find my way because I wasn't happy with the way my life was going. Changes needed to be made. I had to woman up and get it together. Looking in the mirror and telling myself there had to be more was getting to be tiring. I am very proud of the woman I am today. She has done, and will continue to do, what she needs to do to be that strong black woman. The journey never ends. Things are constantly changing. There was a time when I was scared of that change, but that's all in the past. I love me.


I am good enough. I am strong enough. It is my time. Those who cannot get with it will not be invited on my journey. I am that strong black woman.

Until tomorrow....

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Dear Diary 53

Dear Diary,

Things with my book are really moving along. I'll be having another book club meeting this month and i'm really looking forward to it. The people I chose to be a part of my journey are really serious about helping me achieve my goal. That means a lot to me.

The cousin of one of the book club members actually knows someone in publishing. She has already told her about me and given me her contact information. I was extremely touched by this. This is not someone I have a lot of contact with. She's just a woman who wants me to succeed. I appreciate it more than I can tell her.

I'm very lucky to have people in my life who genuinely want me to succeed. They don't only want me to succeed because they love and care for me, they actually believe in my talent. That feels great.

I am so glad that I finally decided to share my gift with the world. Blogging was a huge step for me, and something that I have wanted to do for a long time. I don't have the most popular blogs, but I am thankful for the people who take the time to read my thoughts and leave a comment now and then. I have also made some good blog friends whose support I deeply appreciate.

Never once have I taken for granted how blessed I am to know what my gift is. I've just been a little hesitant to share it. Those days are definitely over. I'm proud of myself. I wrote a book! Each day I feel better about what I have done.

I pray that I will have my book on the shelvesby the end of the year. It felt wonderful when I wrote the last word. Imagine how it's going to feel when I see it in print.

Until tomorrow....

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Dear Diary 52

Dear Diary,

I woke up before my alarm clock went off this morning. My husband and I use the alarm on my cell phone because it's really loud. I wasn't ready to get up, so I laid in bed and said a prayer. When I was done I began to think of my father. I often feel like he is with me and it gives me comfort. That is what he did for me when he was alive so there's no reason it should change.

As I laid in bed I said, "If you're here daddy, give me a sign." As soon as the thought left my head my alarm clock went off and said, "Hello Moto," like it does every morning. I took that as a sign that my daddy was around me. It may sound funny, and it might not even be true, but that's what it meant to me.

I told my co-worker about what happened and she said I miss my dad so much that i'm grasping at straws because my alarm clock goes off at the same time each day. She can have her opinion. I still believe he was letting me know he was there. I had no idea what time it was and was not expecting the alarm. My daddy was saying hello to me. I don't care what anyone says.

Yes, I may believe it because that's what I want. So what. I really wish my father was here. There's so much I would love to talk to him about. I still talk to him and often make decisions based on the advice I think he would give me, but it would be so much better if I could actually converse with him. I know that's not going to happen so when I ask for a sign and my alarm says, "Hello," i'm going to say it was my daddy.

Until tomorrow....

Friday, May 29, 2009

Dear Diary 51

Dear Diary,

I had a rough day at work today. I wasn't in a great mood when I got up and as soon as I got to work I knew why. My feelings are never wrong. I can sense when something is not going to work out and I had a feeling I was in for some bull.

The good news is that I have learned not to let things get me down or take me out of my character. Yesterday I kept saying, "Nobody's going to steal my joy." I don't know where it came from. I guess I was putting the thought in my head to prepare myself for what was to come. When things started to bother me, I continued to say it in my head. I got through the day and i'm feeling good.

It feels great to know that I am making progress. My journey of self has been a wonderful experience. I see everything in a totally different light and I love it. I was cooking breakfast and ended up writing a post about eggs in a carton because all things are so much more than they seem now. I see people for who they are and not who I would like them to be. I've finally realized that I have to be honest about the things I know about people and not try to ignore. I must accept that they are who they are going to be.

I'm still a work in progress and always will be. Each day I thank God for opening my eyes in more ways than one. I am so thankful to be so blessed. Some people go through life and never really get to know themselves. I was actually on track to be that way. Things changed for the better when they were suppose to. I have learned from every experience i've had. It took me a while but now I know that the things we go through exist to shape us into the person we are suppose to be. I am thankful for it all and cannot wait to see what else is in store.

Until tomorrow....

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Dear Diary 50

Dear Diary,

A friend emailed something to me that I thought I would share. It was definitely food for thought for me. Here it is:

It's okay to quit:

1. Quit arguing with people about the same old foolishness! Respect their position and keep it moving!

2. Quit telling people your secrets when you know they are not going to keep them! And if you keep telling them, then quit getting mad when they tell your secrets!

3. Quit trying to pull people on your journey who don't want to travel with you. Either they believe in you and value you...or they don't!

4. Quit complaining about things you can't and won't change!

5. Quit gossiping about other people! Minding our own business should be a full time job!

6. Quit blaming each other for things that in the big picture aren't going to matter three weeks from now! Talk solutions...and then implement them!

7. Quit buying things when we know we can't afford them! If you don't have self control, then quit going to the stores! Quit charging things,especially when you don't NEED them!

8. Quit staying in unhealthy relationships! It is not okay for people to verbally or physically abuse you! So quit lying to yourself! It is not okay to stay in the marriage for the children! Ask them and they will tell you that they really would prefer to see you happy and that the misery you and your spouse/partner are living with is affecting them!

9. Quit letting family members rope you into the drama! -Start telling them you don't want to hear it! Quit spreading the drama! Quit calling other relatives and telling them about your cousin,uncle,or aunt! Go back to #5 minding your own business should be enough to keep you busy!

10. Quit trying to change people! IT DOESN'T WORK! Quit cussing people out when you know that they are just being the miserable and jealous people that they are!

11. Quit volunteering for things that you aren't getting any personal fulfillment from anymore!

12. Quit listening to the naysayers!

13. Quit making excuses about why you are where you are or why you
can't do what you want to do!

14. Quit waiting on others to give you the answers...and start finding the answers for yourself! If what you are doing isn't working for you...then quit it!

15. Quit settling and start making your dreams a reality!- Quit being afraid and START LIVING YOUR LIFE! CREATE THE LIFE YOU WANT! If you want something different than what you have had in the must quitdoing what you have done before and DO something different! JUST QUIT IT ...... and START DOING something to create the experience you want!

Until tomorrow....

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Dear Diary 49

Dear Diary,

It's Memorial Day weekend and i'm taking this time to remember my dad. He wasn't a veteran or anything, just my daddy. I guess I shouldn't say it that way. My father was such a huge personality. When he was in the room you knew he was there. He was funny and ultra intelligent. He taught me to be well rounded and up on what's going on in the world. I miss him so much. I still talk to him and kiss his picture every day.

I'm also thinking of my grandparents. They were together for over 50 years. My grandfather was a boisterous, rotund man who owned several businesses even though he only had a third grade education. He was such a savvy businessman. I remember being at his burial and seeing a never ending procession of cars. We were walking back to the limos and people were still coming. He was very popular. Everyone in the town knew him and my grandmother. She was his right hand. I can see her smiling as I walked in the family house summer after summer and saying, "Hey bay." I hope my husband and I are lucky enough to have the marriage my grandparents had.

My next door neighbor passed away in his sleep. He was a young man, not even 40, and it was such a shock when he died. His mother found him. His name was Gary and he was so cool. All we did was sit around and laugh and joke around. His mother was his best friend and she has not been the same since his death. Whenever we have a get together at our home I think of him.

It's so hard to lose people you love. It took me a while but I have learned to spend more time remembering the good things than mourning. My father was the first person close to me that left me. I felt empty inside. It took years for me to accept that he was gone. His death taught me a lesson. It made me realize that I had to cherish life and the people I love. You never know what can happen.

I didn't have time with my father before he passed away. His death was sudden. My mother, on the other hand, got to spend two weeks with her mother before she died. When the doctors realized she didn't have much time they told my aunt and uncle, who still live in the small town my mother was born in, to get the family together. All seven of my grandmother's children went to North Carolina. My grandmother lasted much longer than expected. She's always been a very strong woman. I'm sure she enjoyed having all of her children around her.

So, Memorial Day weekend has me reflecting. I really miss those who have gone but I know I will see them again. I'm sure my father is in heaven talking sports and politics and my grandparents are somewhere holding hands. Gary's partying and drinking Belvedere. I miss them all.

Until tomorrow....

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Dear Diary 48

Dear Diary,

I'm taking a short break from all the fun i'm having to say how much fun i'm having. Hubby and I arrived at our friend's place Saturday afternoon. They were having a cookout and the house was full of people. I love cookouts.

Being around good people is always a wonderful thing. It's nice when you can just lay back and have a good time. Our friends are the type who open their door to everyone and people love them because they're so genuine. I looked around and everyone was laughing and having a good ole time. It was just what I needed.

Being away from work and the city makes me cherish the time I have. I'm not crazy about my job, but know that i'm blessed to have it. Being away is awesome. We have had so much fun. Tomorrow's our last day here and we plan to make the most of the time we have with our friends.

Until tomorrow...

Friday, May 15, 2009

Dear Diary 47

Dear Diary,

I just got to work and i'm in a really good mood. It's Friday, i'm going out with friends when I get off, and my husband and I leave visit friends for a few days when he gets off work tomorrow. All that is great but it's only part of the reason i'm in such a good mood.

I just finished the second round of editing my novel. I bring it with me to work every day and edit on the bus and whenever I have a chance at work. As I was finishing the last few pages I smiled to myself because I realized that I am really proud of what I have written. I love it!

There are so many gifts God could have given me. I am so glad that he chose to make me a writer. How blessed am I? Some people never realize what their gifts are and some never find out what it is that they love to do. I know what my passion is. It's obvious to me that I was put here to put paper to pen.

I haven't always been comfortable with sharing the things I write with others. I was nervous and did not have confidence in my abilities. Things take time. I have done so much growing in the past few years that I have thrown the fear out the window and learned that i'm an awesome writer. I read my book and impressed myself. I love the way I put the whole idea together.

I've definitely grown because i've invited others into my editing process. I'll be having my first book club meeting at the end of the month. I chose a few people whose opinions I trust to read together and give me the feedback I need to make sure that my novel is all that it can be. I'm not nervous about that at all. I'm excited and hope that they love what I have written as much as I do.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. My book will be published when I come out on the other side. It is claimed and will be done! I will be a published author. Believe it!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Dear Diary 46

Dear Diary,

My husband and I are going upstate to visit some friends for a few days at the end of the week. I cannot wait. A change of scenery is going to do me good. It's going to be nice to have some good times with good friends in a different space. I love my city, but sometimes the hustle and constant go, go, go, of New York can get under your skin.

Work is a real pain this week and I just want to make it to Friday. I'm trying not to let the negative energy around me affect my mood, but it isn't easy. My supervisor has no life and although I feel sorry for her it would be nice if she didn't bring a black cloud to work with her every day. I had to say something to her today because there are just certain things I will not tolerate. I am a 41 year old woman and I will not be treated like a child.

It's crazy how some people think a title gives them card blanche to do and say whatever they want. One of my biggest pet peeves is having someone insult my intelligence or treat me like a child. I don't extend the opportunity to do either of those things to anyone. I never have and I never will. So, I had to let her know how I feel and because she thinks supervisor equals God she has an attitude. I actually like the silent treatment and I feel bad for her because she doesn't know how to respond to criticism.

So anyway, i'm off to visit friends and I cannot wait to leave this city behind for a little while. They live in a small town and it's going to be nice to grab a drink and sit on the porch and chit chat and laugh. I need that right now.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Dear Diary 45

Dear Diary,

I'm in a really good mood today. Actually, i've been in a pretty good mood for a while. My health hasn't been the best for the past few days, but my spirits were still high. This is kind of different for me. Looking back, I realize that there were times when I actually seemed to look for reasons to be down. It's amazing what you realize once you move on.

Life really is what you make of it. I want to have a happy, positive life so I guess I have to be those things. I'm so determined now. When I start feeling sorry for myself or getting down on life, I go back to the vow I made to me. I vowed that I would be optimistic and make the best out of life and that is what i'm going to do.

I read between the lines of something someone said in an email and realized that they thought my energy was a little on the negative side sometimes. My feelings were a little hurt at first but instead of letting it take me over like I once did, I sat back and owned it. I've never really been the type of person who was able to smile on the outside when my inside was doing the opposite. It was hard.

My emotions have been firmly planted on my sleeve. If i'm going through something it shows, even when I try to hide it. It got so bad at one point that I felt like the best thing for me to do was shut down and stay to myself. It wasn't fair for me to let my moods affect others.

That was then and this is now. I've learned that talking helps. I can't hold stuff in. I'm good now. I'm so much happier. To be honest I didn't realize I was seeking misery. Misery may be a strong word, but I did seem to prefer to play it extremely safe and worry about everything from a to z. I'm done with that. It's time for walking on faith. Whatever will be will be.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Dear Diary 44

Dear Diary,

I'm finding it a little hard to be positive lately. There are so many things I want out of life and there are times that I feel like i'll never reach the goals that i've set for myself. I'm feeling a bit stuck. In my heart of hearts I feel that i'm being tested and prepared for something bigger. I'm just having trouble being patient.

It's not easy to think positive when situations make you feel like you'll never get over the hump. I have faith, but I think it's being tested. I don't want to fail the test, and I know that I am worthy of the outcome. I'm just growing a little weary of the back and forth and up and down of it all. It seems like things will never move at a steady pace.

I've noticed that i'm really beginning to let my job get me down. I don't like it and it's bringing my spirit down. I want to leave, but i'm not sure that would be the best decision right now. It's also not easy to give up 13 years of seniority and start over. Does it mean I don't have faith that God will not move me from bad to worst, or am I just cautious?

Walking on faith is not an easy thing to do. I wish I could say I was there, but I know I am not. I'm a work in progress and I pray every day and ask for the strength to keep it moving when there are times when I want to collapse, both mentally and spiritually.

The thing is, I can feel something moving inside me. I feel it all around me. Whenever I try to be the pessimist i've always been, something tells me things are going to work themselves out like they never have. I just need to be still and learn how to listen, and feel without thinking so much. I don't worry about things as much as I once did, but I still have improvements to make. There was a time when I never allowed myself to have a positive outlook so I know I have made strides. Situations that would have brought me down in the past are not having any affect.

I know he's working on me. Each day I pray for forgiveness for allowing my negative outlook to block my blessings. I notice things moving as I shed that habit. My life is better. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I know for sure I will get there.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Dear Diary 43

Dear Diary,

I'm really trying to keep my temper in check, but it's so hard. It seems like the harder you try, the more people want to test you. I know what kind of temper I have, and i've really been trying not to let it loose. It's so hard sometimes because people can really push you.

I guess i'm a can be considered a quiet person. I don't warm up to people easily. I'm more inclined to sit back in the cut and see what vibes I feel. I believe in first impressions and i'm hardly ever wrong. My initial reaction to people is usually spot on. My intuition hasn't failed me yet.

I think i'm quiet because I have a very low tolerance for bull crap. I just can't take it. I've been trying to let things go and move on and, for the most part is has worked. Of course, there are those times when my alter ego, I call her Harlem, comes out and sets it off. Sometimes it just has to be done. A lot of folks take kindness for weakness and Harlem has to let them know the deal. She hasn't been out in a while, but between my job and a few people who have really been irking me lately, she may have to make an appearance.

Like I always say, i'm a work in progress. I've made some strides, but i'm far from where I want to be. I have to admit, it's great to have less visits from Harlem. She use to be a constant part of my day. Blogging also helps me to get out some of the things that are bothering me. I always get such good feedback and advice from some of my blog friends. It really helps.

I guess I just needed to vent. Some things happened today that tried to force Harlem out. I was proud of myself. I kept her under wraps. Sometimes when people know how to push your buttons, they lay on them until they get a result. I refused to let that happen today. I'm proud of myself.

Until tomorrow....

Monday, March 23, 2009

Dear Diary 42

Dear Diary,

Stress! What a word. That thing can kill you. I was talking to someone special yesterday and became really sad because life has really gotten this person down. They're feeling overwhelmed. It's a shame how that can happen. One minute you feel like you're on top of the world and the next thing you know you feel like the world is on top of you.

I have definitely been in that position. I once let a job stress me out so badly that I became physically sick. I had to take so many trips back and forth to the doctor that it was getting on my nerves. We finally sat down and had a long talk and realized that the problem was stress. Once I realized what was going on, and left that job, I felt much better.

It hurt to see someone I love going through so many emotions and stresses. They're just starting their adult life and student loans, a career they thought they would love but don't, trying to be independent, and just the daily rigamarole that life can put you through are all bringing them down. It's taking their emotional stability for a ride. All I could do was listen and offer whatever advice I thought would help. My main advice was, "pray on it."

Prayer has definitely helped me navigate some situations I thought I would not make it through. It's not easy, but it helps. I've learned to take time to give thanks, even when things aren't going the way I would like. I know that, all things considered, my life could be a lot worse. I'm thankful for the rough times because they help me to appreciate the good.

Until tomorrow....

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Dear Diary 41

Dear Diary,

I was cleaning out my old locker and came across something that was taped inside. It definitely hit home for me. Here it is:

Dear God,

I want to thank you for what you have already done. I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards, I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better, I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until people say sorry or until they stop talking about me, I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears, I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves, I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait unti the children are asleep and the house is quiet, I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get a job, I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief, I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait unit the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed, I am thanking you right now.

I am thanking you because I am alive. I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties. I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles. I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.

I am thanking you because you have not given up on me. God is so good and he's good all the time!

Until tomorrow...Take the time to say thank you.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Dear Diary 40

Dear Diary,

So, i'm back to work. It feels like I never left. One of these days will be my last here and I will be happy about it. I'm claiming a new career for myself. What i'm doing now is not the move. I'm not complaining; I just need something new and much more fulfilling. I want to make a difference.

Making my living as a writer would be the best thing that could happen to me. That would be my difference. A good book can get a person through a lot. I still remember reading, "Are you there God, it's me Margaret," when I was young. I remember the feeling it gave me. I remember writing short stories and giving them to my sisters and a couple friends and they would go on and on telling me how much they liked or related to them. It was a great feeling.

My book is done, but I haven't finished editing. I had no idea how much of a process it would be. I'm still thinking of hiring someone to check the grammar. I've always been one to pay more attention to the words than the punctuation. My friend says i'm old school because I don't sit in front of the computer when I write. I'm a pen and notebook girl. I write first and type later.

One of my blog friends,
A Free Spirit Butterfly
had a haiku contest. I entered right before the deadline and tied with someone else for the win. I was really happy. I've entered a few short story contests and i've only won one. It's a great feeling to have anything i've written acknowledged. I thank Free Spirit Butterfly for her acknowledgment.

I'm going to keep pushing. I don't know what will become of my writing career but, God willing, it will be all that is should be. If my books bring a smile to just ones person's face or makes someone think, i'll be extremely happy.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Dear Diary 39

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling a lot better, but still not back to my old self. At times I forget the pain is there and move or get up too fast. I think i'll be back to normal in another week. I'm just glad to be able to move around on my own. Last week was terrible. My husband took such good care of me. He waited on me hand and foot. I was in a lot of pain, but I admit I enjoyed it.

I wasn't going to talk about my operation, but I just changed my mind. I had to have a partial hysterectomy. My uterus was removed due to a condition called adenomyosis. I was initially diagnosed with fibroids and although I did have some they were not the main cause of the problems I experienced. Adenomyosis in a nutshell is an enlarged uterus. Luckily, I was able to have minimally invasive surgery and did not get cut. My recovery time and pain are both lessened.

Not having a uterus means that I can no longer have children. My daughter is 24 and my son is 18 so when the doctor asked me if I had any intentions of having another child I told her hell no. My husband and I thought we would be living alone at this point, but the universe had other ideas. Our daughter decided not to move just yet and our son decided to go to school here in the city.

My surgery was organized a few months in advance and I really thought I was fine with it. I didn't really think about it until about a week before it was time to get it done. The closer the day became, the more nervous I got. When my husband and I woke up Monday, March 2nd, the day of my surgery, I was a nervous wreck. I didn't tell him how I was feeling because I knew he would tell me everything was going to be fine and that's not what I wanted to hear. I didn't tell him I was scared until we were on our way to the hospital. He just said, "I know," and gave me a hug. I looked into his eyes and realized he was nervous too.

The surgery was suppose to start at 3:30 but it didn't happen until 6:00. I spent a couple hours alone after a nurse's assistant came to the room where I was sitting with my husband and kids to take me to the OR waiting room. I thought I would be getting started, but I had to sit and wait, and wait, and wait. All that did was allow me to worry more. All sorts of things went through my head. I hoped the anesthesia took and I didn't wake up during the operation. I thought about my friend's grandmother who had a scalpel left in her abdomen after surgery. Every thing that could possibly go wrong went through my head. By the time they came to get me, I was a nervous wreck.

One minute I was climbing on an operating table and talking to doctors and anesthesiologists and the next minute I was waking up in recovery thanking God for bringing me through the surgery. It was sort of creepy. I also thanked him for the wonderful doctors and nurses who took such great care of me. My surgery was considered outpatient and I was suppose to go home but my doctor found a way for me to stay. It was a terribly cold and snowy day and it would not have been fun for me to leave the hospital in so much pain under those conditions. I didn't wake up until 10:00 and they didn't take me to my room until midnight. Imagine what it would have been like if they made me leave. I think it's disgusting that this sort of surgery is considered outpatient.

My husband and daughter picked me up from the hospital on my birthday. As we were leaving someone from the hospitality department came to give me a teddy bear and say happy birthday. I thought that was really nice. It wasn't easy walking in the snow, but my husband helped me. My daughter took my prescriptions to the pharmacy where my sister works.

I slept a lot that first day. Those pain pills knocked me out. I was lying in the bed when I was startled by my mother, sister, and niece saying, "Happy birthday!" I had no idea they were coming. They had balloons and a birthday cake with one lit candle. I guess it would have taken too long to light it up with 41. Seeing them really made me smile. I actually forgot my pain for a minute and was very happy to see them. They stayed for a while and we had dinner, laughed like we always do when we're together, and ate some cake.

The thing that surprised me was my reaction the first time I saw a baby on television. Even though I don't want anymore children, seeing that baby hit me. The realization that I will never be able to carry another child was actually kind of sad. I didn't expect to feel that way and, to be honest, I don't really understand why I do. The thought of having a child at the age of 41 is not one I wanted to think about. Why does knowing I don't have to worry about it make me sad?

I thank God that nothing went wrong and he blessed me by putting me in the care of the wonderful staff at Mount Sinai Hospital. They took such good care of me from start to finish. I'm proud to say I work there. I'm thankful for my family, who made sure I had everything I needed to make my recovery as smooth as possible. I definitely feel blessed.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Dear Diary 38

Dear Diary,

I've been feeling so run down lately. One of my co-workers mom is really sick and she has been out. Since i'm the only one who knows how to do her work I got saddled with it. I didn't even have time to do my own. It pissed me off, but I did what I had to do. I would want someone to fill in for me if, God forbid, my mother was sick. I was swamped the entire week, but thinking of my co-worker sitting next to her mother on her death bed pushed me to continue.

Losing a parent is such a terrible thing. My father passed away ten years ago and even though it's getting easier to deal with, I think about him every day. I did not get the chance to tell him goodbye. I got a phone call telling me he was gone. That is the worst thing I have ever experienced. One minute we were making plans for him to visit and the next minute he was gone.

I try to live the life I think my father would be proud of. I know that he is watching me and I want him to do it with a smile. I miss him so much. He's the reason for my love of sports and music. We would talk on the phone for hours about the Yankees or the new music that was out.

The original Yankee Stadium is being torn down and replaced by some new fangled bull that's going to be so expensive that families will no longer be able to go to games. I'm so glad I have the memories of going to games with my daddy. We had so much fun. I loved sports when all my friends were beginning to turn into girly girls. I've always been sort of a tomboy.

I thank God that my mother is still alive. She works so hard. She's part of the reason I work so hard to get my book published. The dream is to sell so well that my mother can stop working. I'm sure that will take a couple books, but you never know what could happen. I love my mother. She's my example of a strong black woman on the move. There is not one lazy bone in her body. I hope to be like her when I grow up.

Here's to the father I lost who taught me so much and the mother who is the first strong black woman I ever met.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Dear Diary 37

Dear Diary,

There's so much going on in my head right now. I feel like i'm twisting in the wind. My birthday is coming up and although I haven't accomplished everything I would have liked to since I turned 40, I do think i've made some improvements and learned a lot of things about myself.

I've learned that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I can handle way more than I give myself credit for. I should have known that because God is not going to give you more than you can handle, even when you think you're overwhelmed. How can you appreciate what you have if it doesn't take a little work?

I still feel there's a blessing waiting for me. Too many things are being moved. I don't know what it is or when it will come; I just want to be ready. It's important for me to be the person who deserves what they receive. That is why I feel like i'm being prepared. I know that my mindset has done a lot to block my blessings. You get what you give. I've been way to pessimistic and worrysome. I finally realize that has to change if I want to get the things out of life that are waiting for me.

My children are grown now. I've done my job as a mother. It's their time now. My daughter has her career and my son has begun his college journey. Now is the time for their father and I to sit back and watch them live their lives. We filled up their belts, now it's time for them to use the tools. I'm very proud of them and thank God that I had a hand it adding two wonderful people to the universe.

My husband and I are really hitting our stride. We thought we'd be living alone at this time. Our daughter was going to move out and our son was going to go away for college. They both changed their minds. It's fine. I don't want my daughter to move until she has enough saved where she can sit pretty and live her life. My son's decision to stay turned out to be a good one because he received a four year academic scholarship and is a member of the school basketball team. He loves his school. He made the right decision.

I feel good about the life the four of us have shared. Even though our children have lives of their own and we don't spend as much time together, we share a very close bond. I love my family very much. They have been my blessing for a very long time. It has been a priviledge for me to be in their lives.

How lucky am I? I got to carry two lives inside my womb. It was my responsibility to nurture them and bring them into this world. I still remember the day both of my children were born like it was yesterday. My husband was there with me every step of the way, as he has been since. I am truly blessed.

There was a time when I let everything stress me out. I worried, worried, worried, and assumed the worst at all times. In the months leading up to my 40th birthday, I began to do a lot of soul searching. I'm so glad I did. I'm not all the way there yet, but I am learning to let go. Things will work out the way they're suppose to. It's all in God's hands, and I am so thankful for every blessing he has sent my way.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Dear Diary 36

Dear Diary,

I'm not sure how I feel about Valentine's day. I've been with my husband for a long time and we've never really gotten into it. We tell each other I love you every day. Our love is very evident. I'm not so sure we need a special day to prove it.

My son is 18 and this day is very important to him. He's spent days getting things together for his girlfriend and they have a big day planned. I think that's cute and very caring. Seeing how into it he was took me back to the days when I first met his father. I was 15 and he was 18. We only had one Valentines Day together before we became parents. I can't say I remember how we spent it, but I consider it special because it was the first one.

We've had our share of flowers, cards, and candy and it was nice. We did the dinners and romantic nights. It's years later and our feelings for each other have escalated, we've had our share of ups and downs, and we're still together. I love him more right now than I thought I ever would.

We didn't say, "Happy Valentine's Day," when we woke up this morning we said, "I love you." Some of the things we've gone through have taught us to cherish every day you have with the one you love. There's no need to save it all up for one day. This is a cute holiday but, hopefully, we all learn to let the ones we love know how much they mean to us as often as we can.

Until tomorrow....

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Dear Diary 35

Dear Diary,

I haven't been feeling all that strong this week. I'm tired and sluggish and my job is really getting to me. I want out of there.

Until tomorrow...

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Dear Diary 34

Dear Diary,

Lately i've been feeling like all of my senses are heightened. My mind is like a sponge, my heart is bursting with emotion, and my eyes are opening to so many things and seeing people for who they really are. I can't help but feel that a blessing is coming my way because i'm being shown so much. It feels like things are being moved to prepare me for what is coming my way. This is a great thing. I want to be a prepared receiver.

I'm 40 years old but sometimes I feel like a newborn. Life is about constantly learning and experiencing new things. At no time in their life does a person know everything. I've come across some who thought they had learned all of life's lessons. I don't really listen to these types of people or seek out their advice. No one knows it all and people who think they do aren't always capable of seeing things from other perspectives.

I learned a great lesson over the past week. The people you love aren't always who you think they are. The ones closest to you are the ones most capable of hurting you and not really caring. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I am so glad for the experience. Things were really put into perspective for me. I now know that I have to face facts and I am no longer burying my head in the sand about certain things.

When you love people it's hard to see them for who they are and not who you want them to be. I have been trying to deny certain traits of some of the people I love but they were put in my face in a manner that was hard to ignore. I now have no choice but to face reality.

There's something out there for me. I know that it's up to me to go and get it and i'm ready. I'm going to take all the things I am being shown and use them to make a better me. I've spent too many years not being true to myself because I didn't want to hurt others. Enough is enough. I got a big slap in the face and heart and I will not allow it to happen again.

I would like to say thank you to the people who hurt my feelings so badly that I had no choice but to woman up and move on. They have made me stronger.

Until tomorrow....

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Dear Diary 33

Dear Diary,

Anyone who does not know the definition of a strong black woman need only look to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The perfect example is living in the White House. What a feeling it is to know that she is there, Michelle Obama, first lady.

She is a wife

Her husband always describes her as his best friend and love of his life. She stands beside him and they take all journeys together. When you look at Barack and Michelle, you know that Black love is alive and well. What a blessing it is to see such a wonderful couple, who is deep in love, at the head of the table of the United States. They look at each other and their undeniable love shines through. It's a wonderful thing to see. A strong black woman is there for her man. She has his back at all times, but when he's wrong she'll let him know.

She's a mother

Always making sure he babies are protected and putting their welfare ahead of everything else. It's obvious that motherhood is extremely important to Michelle. You can look at her girls and see that they were, "raised right." (I heard an elderly woman say that on the bus this morning) A strong black woman takes care of hers and protects them at all costs. It's not easy raising children these days and we know we have to be there with them every step of the way to ensure that we are there when they need help navigating themselves through life. When she can't be there, she can call grandma, the one who was there for her navigation, to step in.

She's a fashion icon

This strong black woman is already changing the face of fashion. I really respect the fact that she chose to wear the clothes of two basically unknown designers to the inauguration and Presidential balls. Her style is great. She's not too flashy, and can still be classy and sexy at the same time.

She's a thinker

Strong black women are always trying to figure out what they can do to make things better. We wonder how we can make the lives of the ones we love better and be there when they need us. In Michelle's case, she has to care for an entire country. Whenever I see her, I see so much strength. She's so classy and dignified, yet down to earth and fun at the same time. She makes me proud.

I don't think I could be any happier. These pass few days have been wonderful. I look forward to seeing what Michelle Obama, first lady and strong black woman, has in store for the country.

Until tomorrow....

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Dear Diary 32

Dear Diary,

Life is so short. You never know what can happen. My husband and I were going down the West Side Highway here in New York and fire trucks and police cars were zooming by left and right. It was kind of scary because we had absolutely no idea what was going on. My husband turned to 1010 WINS, the all news station, and the reporter was talking about a plane crashing into the Hudson. My heart dropped.

Luckily, thanks to a great pilot and quick response, everyone got out alive and all injuries were minor. The first thing I thought of when I heard about the plane was a terrorist attack. Anything having to do with an airplane brings back terrible memories for us New Yorkers. I was relieved to find out that birds, not terrorists, caused the pilot to land the plane on the river. He gets top props for his skills.

That crash made me think a lot about my life. I've spent some time feeling sorry for myself and not being as confident as I should be. I've done a lot of work on those issues and, even though i'm not exactly where I want to be, I have made lots of progress. My lack of confidence told me that I would not have the moxxy to shop my novel around. That has totally changed. I'm ready to share my gift with the world. I'm ready and I know it's my time.

I pray for those who went through the plane crash. I hope they know how blessed they are. The Lord could be saving them for something big. I've been feeling like my true blessing is coming. There's something about this year that has me feeling optimistic. Maybe i'm looking forward to Tuesday and what's to come after our first Black president is sworn in. Maybe I just have a new outlook on life and positivity is really flowing through my body. Whatever the reason, it feels good.

Until tomorrow....

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Dear Diary 31

Dear Diary,

I womaned up and went to my manager and told her how I felt. It's not in my character to hold things in, plus I felt it was important that I get things out in the open before I got to the point of explosion.

We both come in very early, so I was able to speak to her before the office filled up. I let her know that her micro managing style was making me uncomfortable. I also told her if she continued to constantly check my work there was no reason for me to do it. All of the things feeling spilled out of my mouth and I felt so much better when I was done. It wasn't about her response, because I knew it would be one of denial (and it was). It was about me letting her know how I felt. I was not willing to carry it around anymore.

My job situation was spilling over into other aspects of my life, even my blogging. It was hard for me to get out of bed in the morning because I didn't want to go to work. I became stressed because I was holding in something that was bothering me. I don't like to do that. I always said I would never allow another job to stress me out. It happened once before and I actually became physically ill. Getting rid of what was bothering me was of the utmost importance.

Even though she denied being a micro manager, my feelings are out in the open and I received an apology and promise that things will change. The funny thing is, in her denial my manager said she has heard that complaint before and doesn't understand where it is coming from. That made me laugh.

I feel so much better. I am determined to make 2009 one of the best years i've ever had and I will not allow anyone's issues to change that.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Dear Diary 30

Dear Diary,

I don't really like my job but i'm grateful to have it. I know there are people who would love to be in my shoes and I am definitely blessed, especially in these days and times. That is what I try to keep first and foremost in my head day after day. I thank God that my husband and I are able to pay our bills and keep a roof over our family's head and food on the table.

Things were going great for me for a while. I was given projects to do and left alone. I didn't really have a supervisor. It was great. I'll admit i'm the type of person who doesn't like to be told what to do. When I leave this job, I never want to work FOR anyone. I have to do me.

Imagine the horror when I was told that my department would be changed and I would be working with one of the most micro managing managers there is? Thoughts of quitting immediately filled my head but,of course, I can't leave my job right now. The two people who already work in the department don't know what it means to stand up for themselves and i'm known for constantly doing just that. In my old department I worked with someone who was right there with me. I'm all alone now.

It hurts my heart when our people have that slave mentality. It's almost like they're saying, "Yes'm" all the time. When you let people talk to you and treat you any kind of way because of their position, that is what you are doing. I've never been one to go there. You have to give respect in order to give it. There is no one that I will allow to come at me in a disrespectful manner and my new manager is very disrespectful and condescending. She seems to think that her title means she is above those she is managing. I'm really not having that.

I completed a week of working with this person and I think she has gotten the idea that she cannot push me around like she does her current staff. I will do everything within my power to let her know that I am not what she's use to. It's hard for me to watch women over the age of 40 being treated, and acting, like little girls, being told where to sit and when to move. That's just not me. I don't respond well to micro management. It's just not necessary.

I've been praying for patience and solution. I don't want to lose my temper. I guess it's going to be a battle of wills. Wish me luck.

Until tomorrow....

Friday, January 9, 2009

Dear Diary 29

Dear Diary,

It's 2009! The year went so fast that I barely remember half the things I did. I do know that it was a year of ups and downs. Things could have been better, but i'm not going to complain. Instead of doing that, I will look at the arrival of 2009 as a chance to make things better.

I went to a party on new years eve and had a wonderful time. It's always great to be around good people. There was no drama and everyone just wanted to have fun. That's sort of the way I plan to live in 2009, no drama only good things. I know there's no way that things will be perfect, but I will do all I can to make sure it's as good as it can be.

My number one priority right now is publishing my novel. I'm at the end of my first round of editing and it feels good. I'm an author. I smile every time I think about what i've done. I have a great feeling. Things are going to go well.

When 2008 ended, I let go of a lot of the things I had on my mind and spirit. I'm genuinely looking at 2009 with a clean slate. I changed a lot last year. I've become a stronger, more positive woman. My shoulders feel lighter. There were some negative energies in my life that I have gotten rid of and it really made a huge difference.

I'm more than ready to face whatever happens this year. I feel stronger and I have so much more faith that things will go well. I'm learning how to let go and let God. I know that my destiny has already been written and I can feel that something is about to happen.

I'm sure there have been times in the past when I could have had the success I wanted, but it wasn't time. I wasn't ready. I've done a lot of soul searching and i'm in such a good place. I feel that the trials of 2008 were preparing me for the blessings of 2009. Finally, i'm ready to receive and appreciate all the good things that I feel are coming my way.

Until tomorrow....