Dear Diary 65

Dear Diary,

Why do people make it so hard to love them? I never thought being in love was suppose to be easy but I did think it got easier as the years went along. You would think years together and knowledge of one another would aid in the breeziness of being together. I'm finding out that's not true.

I love my husband to death but he likes to yell. It's so annoying. Lately i've really been trying to ignore him and find ways to deal with his behavior that do not involve us getting into an argument. I really don't like to argue. There's really no point in two people screaming at each other and trying to be right. All that does is make things worse and it makes me tired.

I don't see the problem with sitting down and talking things out, or at least trying to act like adults. If you want to be mad do you. Just don't drag me into it. I don't feel like yelling. I've been sick all week and haven't been doing any house work or cooking. All I care about right now is trying to get better. The flu does not allow you to do much anyway.

I've been home for a week and at this point i'm trying to rest up for work on Monday. I'm still not doing anything. Some dishes were left in the sink (that were not mine). The man didn't even say hello when he came home. He went straight to bitching and moaning about it. Annoying! It was all I could do to keep myself from laughing. Why are you so mad about dishes?

Between the coughing and everything else I have going on, I really do not have time to get upset. I came to the laptop and started blogging. If I get into it it may get deeper than it needs to and i'm really not in the mood. I just needed to get it off my system. I'm done.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 64

Dear Diary,

I am so proud of my son. He's more of a man at 18 than a lot of the so-called grown males I know. He is a sophomore in college and does very well in school. He worked at Yankee Stadium the entire season and loved it. How could he not? It's Yankee Stadium.

In the middle of the season, he found out that his girlfriend was pregnant. It was hard for him at first because he knew he wasn't ready to be a daddy, but something changed once he accepted that the child was coming. My baby boy became a man. I saw the change. It was in his posture, in his eyes, in his everything. He knew that he had to man up and that's exactly what he has done.

Baseball season is over and my son already had another job before it ended. He has also saved a pretty penny in preparation for his child's birth. He showed me his bank statement and I was very impressed. I still am. He has impressed me since the day he was born.

There's something about my son. He has such a gentle spirit and quiet nature. You feel comfortable when you're around him. He's always been that way. My boy is strong! I think back to the days when he was a toddler suffering from asthma. For some reason his attacks always came at the strangest hours. His father and I would be in bed sleeping at 4 a.m. and he'd come in the room in his Power Ranger pajamas and calmly let us know that he couldn't breathe. We were always more upset than he was.

My son has always been very active. He has the cuts, bruises, and stitches to prove it. He got hit in the head with a soccer ball when he was eight years old. Blood was gushing from his head and everyone was screaming, crying, and scared but him. He never shed a tear. The doctor could not understand how a kid could sit so calmly while he got staples in his head. I just told him that was his nature.

I feel like my son has always been mature. He has a way of looking at things that wraps them up in a neat, explained, and rational box. When everyone else is panicking he seems to be in a serene space. This will definitely come in handy when his child is born. I have no doubt that my son will be a good father. He's such a good person. My grandchild will be lucky to have him in their life.

Did I want my 18 year old son to be a father? No I did not. I know how hard it is to be a teenage parent. I wanted him to finish college, start his career, and be on his own before he had a child. For some reason God had other plans. The shock I once felt has turned to happiness. I'm planning the baby shower and wondering if i'll have a grand son or daughter. I refuse to do what I usually do and worry the situation into the ground.

It broke my heart when my son had to stop playing basketball for his team because he had to work. I know it is what he loves. I asked him how he felt and he said, "I'm doing what I have to do for my baby." I looked at him and smiled. I felt so much love for him that I thought my heart was going to burst. Well, I feel that way every day. He fills my heart with joy.

I have experience that my son can benefit from. He'll be fine. I know it. I have so much respect for the man he has become. His future is going to be bright because that's what he deserves. His child doesn't know how lucky he/she is.......but I do.
I will support my one and only son and the light of my life 1,000%. I'm doing it for my baby.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 63

Dear Diary,

I'm sitting at my cubicle crying. I've been thinking about my father a lot lately. His birthday is approaching. It's not as hard for me as it once was. It took me a while to be able to think of the good times and not go into a depression around this time of year. I know that he would want me to be strong and I finally feel like I can do that.

I love my father with all of my heart, faults and all. He wasn't perfect. Who is? Does perfection really exist? He was there when he could be. There was a monkey on his back that he had a really hard time shaking. He tried to find the answer to his pain in the bottom of a bottle. I knew that and accepted that he couldn't always be there when he wanted to be. He knew I did not like it when he drank so he only came around when he was sober.

It's crazy how much quality our time together was laced with. We went to Yankee games and talked about life. There are so many of those moments. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if he could have been there all the time. He was an excellent father, even though it was on a part time basis. We were extremely close. I never judged him and always tried to understand him. He's actually the one who taught me to be that way.

I'm not letting my father off the hook. He could have done things a lot differently. He had bouts of sobriety that lasted for years. Those were great times. He was everything a girl could want in a dad. If he could have stayed sober things would have been wonderful. I loved and supported him no matter what.

I found out about my father's death on his birthday. It was the hardest day of my life and I will never forget it. I also won't forget all that my father taught me. I learned so many life lessons from him. There are too many to mention. All I can say is he left a big mark on my life and the way I live. I know he's watching.

I am so glad that I am now able to think of all the good memories when my daddy's birthday comes around. I feel his love enveloping me every day. He's not physically here but his spirit is present in everything that I do. I hope he's proud.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 62

Dear Diary,

I'm going to be a grandmother. My son's girlfriend is five months pregnant. I wasn't that excited about it at first. My son is 18 years old and has a very bright future. He's a sophomore in college with a full academic scholarship. He's also a member of his school's basketball team. His girlfriend is important to him. His family is important to him too. That's nice, but basketball is his first love. I once joked that he was going to turn into a basketball and roll out the door one day.

Anyone who has read either one of my blogs knows that I was a teenage mother. Things did not go that well for me when I told my mother I was pregnant. She thought a lot about herself and what other people would think. Never once did she stop to think about what I was going through or how I felt. My mother reacted with total anger. It was a crazy ordeal.

No matter what anyone said I knew I was keeping my child. My boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband of 20 years, was there with me the entire time. We adopted an us against the world attitude. The three of us became a family after our daughter was born. We made it a point to never have to ask anyone for a thing. Having a child made us both very independent people. I have no regrets.

A child is a blessing. Our daughter was a blessing and so is my grandchild. Did I want my son to be a father at 18? Of course not. Would I have wanted him to have his career and life on track before being responsible for another life? Hell yes! Did I talk to him about sex and being protected? Yes! Do I think any less of the extraordinary person he is because of his situation? No, no, and no again.

There is no doubt in my mind that my son will be a remarkable father. He has such a gentle spirit. Kids flock to him. They know that he is genuine. He took the money he made working at Yankee Stadium and put it in the bank. He began to save as soon as he found out he was going to be a father. I'm proud of him. His bank account is stacked. He's already started being responsible.

My son's choices have forced him to do something I know he didn't want to. He had to quit the basketball team. That hurt me. He took it like a man and moved on because he knew it had to be done. The baby is the first priority in his life now. He knows what he has to do.

Yankee Stadium is not a regular gig so my son had to look for a permanent job. He found one within a couple weeks. It's actually a pretty good gig. He's been sporting an awesome mohawk for months. When he went to orientation for his new job he found out he had to get rid of it. I was upset for him because I know he loved his mohawk. Once again he took it like a man and went to the barber shop and did what had to be done.

I know how it felt when so many people turned on me when I became pregnant. I felt like my mother lead the charge for a long time. Once she realized I was not changing my mind and had gathered a lot of support, she came around. I think it's because she had no choice. My daughter is a wonderful young woman and my mother brags about her all the time. I have to laugh about that from time to time. If she had her wish my daughter would not be here.

I have always tried to learn from my experiences. There is no way I will ever make my son feel the way I did. I was upset at first because I know what it's like to be a parent at a young age. I made it a point not to express that in the wrong way, but I did tell him how I felt. It's frustrating when you talk until you're blue in the face to no avail. I stressed the importance of safe sex, but I also know that kids will not always use the tools you give them. Things happen.

So i'm going to be a grandmother. I've finally accepted that fact and i'm getting excited. A new life will be coming into our family. What once made me frown is now making me smile. I'm planning baby showers and looking forward to the day my grandson or daughter is born. I think my son knows the sex of the child but I have given strict instructions to keep me in the dark. I do not want to know until the baby is born. Family is very important to me.

My son has taken a detour down the road of life, but I have no doubt that he will find his way. I'll be there and ready to do all that I can to help. I'm going to be a grandmother. I haven't really talked about it or told anyone, but I think about it all the time. I wonder what type of grandma I will be and think about all the things i'll do with my grandbaby. It's kind of exciting. We haven't heard the pitter patter of little feet around our place in years. I'm sure that will bring a whole lot of life to the place.

Things are changing so much. That's what life is about. Let's see what happens.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 61

Dear Diary,

I was so aggravated when I left work Wednesday. The things they come up with on my job amaze the hell out of me. I feel like i'm taking a trip to grammar school five days a week. I was so happy that I would be off Thursday because I was on the verge of exploding. I prayed that the day off would help me get myself together so that I would be okay when I went in Friday.

God truly does work in mysterious ways. I got a call from one of my co-workers telling me that they needed someone to work Saturday. If I agreed to work I would be able to take Friday off. This was a wonderful thing! All of the offices are closed on Saturday and only the evening/weekend staff comes in. I wouldn't have to deal with anyone I didn't want to see.

The Lord knew I needed that extra day and I am so thankful. I had time to realize that he is in control and not the people who think they are. I cannot allow a boss with no backbone to upset me. The idiotic policies they come up with make no sense. I know this and i'm not sure why I get upset when they come to us with more stupidity and nonsense.

I have a plan for my life that does not include sitting in a cubicle five days a week. This is just a means to an end. I know the day will come when I will walk out of this place with a smile. I just have to continue to work toward my goals and not allow people without lives to affect mine.

I'm good and thankful.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 60

Dear Diary,

I love my book! This is the third time i'm reading it and the excitement is constantly growing. I actually think about the characters when i'm not reading and that's a good thing. I'm proud of myself. There was a time when I would not have said that because I would have felt like I was bragging. I'm so over that. So what if I am bragging. I wrote a book!

A few months ago I got a few friends and family members together and started a book club. They read a chapter of the book each month and we get together to discuss the characters and content. I chose people I that I knew would be honest with me. I didn't want any sugar coated feedback. I wanted the real deal.

Everyone in the club seems to love the book. They go from heated debates to personal stories that are related to a character or event in the book. It's awesome. It lets me know that those who read my book will feel a connection to what I created. It's such an amazing feeling.

It's such a blessing to have people in my life who support me and are willing to take the time to help me make my dream come true. I have wanted to become a published author for a long time. I'm sure my folks knew I had the talent but wondered if i'd ever get it done. I felt that way as well. I've written poems and short stories over the years but I didn't do anything with them. Most of it is in storage.

One day I looked at some of the poems that I have written over the years. Looking at the dates it's obvious that writing poetry got me through some things. The dates definitely correspond with stuff I was going through. Poetry was my outlet. It helped a lot to sit down and let my anger, hurt, or even happiness flow through my pen.

My husband and I were watching an episode of "The Cleaner" and a young drug addicted dancer had to come to the realization that she would no longer be able to dance. Even though she knew it might kill her, she wanted to continue to dance. I understood how she felt. I'm not sure what I would do if I couldn't write. It's my lifeline.

It feels good to be excited about what's going to happen with my book. There are other aspects of my life that need some work right now. My job is the first thing that comes to mind. I'm so happy to have an outlet that takes my mind off of the way I feel when I am there. I know that my days there are numbered. One way or another I will use the gift the Lord gave me to change my career situation. I can feel it.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 59

Dear Diary,

I'm having a bit of blogger's block and it's really bothering me. There was a time when, second to my book, it was the only thing I thought of in terms of writing. It's something i've wanted to do for a long time. I have no idea why i'm slipping. I need to get on the ball.

I'll get back on the ball. Right now i'm really concentrating on trying to get my book done. It's been about a year since I started writing and the editing process i'm going through right now is much more work than I expected. I've always said that I would not hire anyone to edit my book because I don't want anyone to try and change the focus and intent. It looks like I may not have a choice.

This is the third time i'm reading through the book and i'm still changing things and finding errors. It's actually fun. I still love what I have written. The excitement is still there. I can still visualize the day when I see my book on the shelves. It's going to be amazing.

I still love to blog and hopefully i'll find my love of blogging again. For now i'm going to concentrate on making my dream come true.