Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Dear Diary 72

Dear Diary,

I haven't blogged in so long and I don't know why. It's like every time I think about it I get sidetracked. It's beginning to bother me, like i'm neglecting my child or something. I have got to do better.

There's been a lot going on in my life lately, but at the same time nothing has really changed. There are still times when I feel that I am not doing enough with my life. I have a feeling i'll always feel that way because i'm my toughest critic. I really need to learn to stop being so hard on myself.

My book is coming along but I feel like a deer in headlights when it comes to the publishing game. It's so much work. I've read articles and books that are suppose to help me decide how to maneuver the whole thing, but all that's doing is causing more confusion. I've reached out to a few of the authors i've come in contact with, but so far they've only wanted to help up to a certain point. It's like a magician who doesn't want to reveal how the trick is done because he's scared it'll be done better.

Sometimes I feel like something is missing. I'm not quite sure what it is. When I start feeling like it's not all there, I think of my little Lia. She is the shining light of my life. All I have to do is picture her pretty little face in my head and I feel better. I love being a grandmother. It has changed me. She has changed me. It's wonderful. I love playing with her and taking care of her.

Lia is so awesome! She's a little person now. The baby is gone. It's so much fun to see her discovering, and doing, new things. We went to lunch Saturday and she sat at the table for the first time. Her eyes lit up and you could tell she felt like a big girl. It was so cute! I wish I could have that light in my eyes each day. Well, I guess I can't say that because it's there whenever she's around.

Until tomorrow....

Friday, July 9, 2010

Dear Diary 71

Dear Diary,

Ain't life grand? You have to get with it. There is absolutely no choice. Even when you don't feel like making that lemonade. Most of the time I feel like taking those lemons and throwing them back at the universe, but it's just not a option. I have to keep on moving.

Sometimes I wish things were always easy. I have to keep reminding myself that there is no testimony without a test. Life has to be about learning from your mistakes and Lord knows i've made a lot of them. Some I didn't even know about. I thought I was doing a pretty good job and found out that I sucked. LOL! It hurt me to the core but I learned a valuable lesson.

I know I have not been the perfect mother, wife, sister, daughter, or friend but i've done my best. I'm confident that the people I love know how I feel about them. I may have been too much of a disciplinarian, or not catered to my husband enough. I didn't always have the patience that was required or keep in touch the way I should have. I'm still a good person, though flawed.

There are just some who feel that the world revolves around them. Some who have an overblown sense of entitlement. I have learned to accept that in some of the people I love and move on. I will not be the receptacle for their narcisstic view of the world. Do you boo, just not on my time.

I have to learn how to just do me. I've battled worried chick syndrome for a long time. At one point I had it under control, but it's coming back. I'm not happy about that at all. I'm missing out. I think, think, think, and by the time i'm done i'm too exhausted to move. It's just in me and I can't shake it.

I'm doing my best. I've learned to try and find that quiet space in my mind when people, places, and things start to get to me. I shall overcome. Life is too damned grand to even think of doing anything else.

Until tomorrow....

Monday, May 3, 2010

Dear Diary 70

Dear Diary,

I'm having a situation. I can't really get into it but I really need an oulet. It's a frustrating time. It's tough when someone else has control of something that is important to you and they use it to their advantage when they really shouldn't.

I try my best to be a kind person. Some people really test you when you're attempting to make a change. I want to explode but I know it will not help the situation. I'm not sure what to do. All I can do at this point is stay prayed up and have faith that things will work out for the best.

I'm being tested right now and I really don't want to fail. I don't want to let myself down or become unworthy of the strength that I have asked the Lord to help me recover and hold on to. I guess weakness leads to anger. I'm in a vulnerable position. If I let my anger get the best of me, I will lose. In my head I know that the best thing to do is to be easy and let things work themselves out. My heart is having a hard time.

People don't always live up to their billing. This situation could be resolved but the person who could make that happen has turned out to be a disappointment. Our relationship will never be the same if I think of the way they let me down so I choose to try and look past it.

I choose to have faith. I've spent a lot of time thinking things into the ground. I can't do that this time. I have to let the waters flow and see where I float. I'm sure i'll end up where i'm suppose to be. It may not be the location of my choice but i'm going to have to live with it.

Until tomorrow....

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Dear Diary 69

Dear Diary,

I'm frustrated. I really miss my granddaughter. She lives kind of far away and I don't get to see her as often as I like. It makes me ill. She's been visiting on the weekends but I think her mother is growing tired of coming. Because of breast feeding and pumping issues it's been decided that they should come together until she is at least six months old and not so dependent on breast milk.

Weekends are wonderful. I look forward to seeing my baby girl. She brightens our home and brings life that hasn't been there for a while. My children are grown and have their own lives. We all work and have social lives that didn't lend well to us spending a lot of time together. That's changed a bit now that Lia is here.

My husband and I like to enjoy our weekends. Our enjoyment has changed now that we are grandparents. We'd rather stay home and play with our granddaughter than go out. She is all the enjoyment we need. I would be satisfied just watching her sleep. She's just starting to smile and coo and it's so amazing.

I love being a grandmother. It's so great. I have so much fun with my grandbaby. She has changed my life. I really cannot explain it. I am happier than i've ever been when she visits and just as sad when she leaves. My husband looks at me and shakes his head. He doesn't know I see him staring at her picture and smiling. We both just miss her so much.

I thank God for Lia every day. She is truly a blessing and the gift that keeps on giving.

Until Tomorrow....

Monday, March 29, 2010

Dear Diary 68

Dear Diary,

I've been a grandmother for a little over a month. It is totally amazing! I absolutely adore my granddaughter. She has totally changed my outlook on life. I feel so thankful that God chose to bless us with her life.

The love that fills my heart is something words cannot explain. It's something i've never felt. Once upon a time I thought motherhood was the most beautiful experience a woman could have. Being a grandmother has catpulted me into another atmosphere. I feel like i'm floating on a cloud when I hold my grandbaby in my arms. She looks at me with those big, brown eyes and I melt.

My children are grown. I'd forgotten how wonderful it was to see a baby smile for the first time or how nice it was to have your house filled with that baby smell. It's great! Little Lia has stolen our hearts. I love the way my husband's eyes light up when he sees her. She returns the light when he sings to her. I use to think the songs he made up were silly but now I think they're the cutest thing in the world. She loves it. He calls her Sugar Bear and I think she likes it.

I've always tried to be the best example I could be for my children. My granddaughter has taken me to another level. She makes me want to be a better person. I held her the other day and cried because I felt as though I was holding God's love. I thanked him over and over and prayed that I am worthy of such a blessing. I will do my best to love my granddaughter and ensure that she has the life she deserves.

Until tomorrow....

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Dear Diary 67

Dear Diary,

I feel like i've been floating on a cloud since my granddaughter was born. I love her so much. She's the most beautiful baby i've ever seen. Her eyes are really intense. In the words of my grandma Margaret I think she's, "Been here before." When you talk to her she looks into your eyes. I almost feel crazy talking baby talk to her because she seems like such an old soul.

My granddaughter's birth has brought me closer to God. I've been praying more than ever and feeling so thankful that I cannot keep it to myself. The happiness I feel about being a grandmother is spilling over into other parts of my life. My job doesn't even bother me as much. When being there gets on my nerves or my managers come up with some dumb request or new asinine rule, I look at her picture, pinch her cheeks, smile, and move on. It works every time.

There's no way I could look at my granddaughter and not know that God is good. He sent us such a precious blessing. I haven't smiled this much in a long time. Seeing my son with his daughter is a beautiful thing. He's so gentle with her. He loves her so much that he can't contain it. I have no doubt that he will be a wonderful father. His daughter's eyes already light up when she sees him.

I'm very happy to know that my son appreciates the gift he has been given. Being a parent is a huge responsibility. I will do all that I can to help him prepare for the years ahead. His father and I know how it is to be a young parent. It's not easy at all. You need a good support system. We will make sure that he has that. My granddaughter is going to have a good life. She will be surrounded by so much love and her parents will have so much support that there will be no choice.

Life is good.

Until tomorrow....

Monday, January 11, 2010

Dear Diary 66

Dear Diary,

I'm not sure what is going on lately. I've been trying really hard to learn lessons from my mistakes and move on. I've always had a problem with holding grudges and stressing myself out. I can think something so far into the ground, but I never actually bury anything. I don't like it and it's one aspect of my personality that I know is definitely not a plus.

I was doing pretty well. My mind felt clear. Things have happened that could have took up a lot of space in the grudge portion of my being but I let them go. I was actually very proud of myself. It's a constant struggle for me not to take things personally. I also haven't been very forgiving. One day I just realized that there was no way i'd be able to progress if I kept thinking about things that happened in the past. I had to start releasing and letting go.

The first test was finding out my son was going to be a father. He's 19 years old and a sophomore in college. He's been with his girlfriend for two years and i've been fighting to keep them from becoming parents too soon. Normally I would have reacted too fast and worried myself half to death. This time I took a step back and tried to make sure I was in a good place before I said or did anything. I'm glad I did.

I'm moving on with my life and trying to be the best person I can. I'll always be a work in progress but that's okay. Things will happen now and then. It's a part of life. Nothing is perfect. All i'm trying to do is be happy and have good people around me. I'm really not into drama. Those days are behind me, or at least i'd like them to be. My husband's an excellent driver but he always says your skills don't matter if the other people on the road don't know what they're doing.

That's how I feel with the drama that keeps popping up in my life. I was at work Friday, minding my business and trying to get ready for the weekend, when it found me once again. To make a long story short I found out that a family member that I trusted told some lies that ruined a friendship. I noticed that a friend of mine seemed to be kind of distant but I had so many things going on that I didn't have time to ask why. Well, now I know.

It really hurts when you put your trust in someone and find out it's not valued. This had to be another test. I was tempted to go off like I usually do. To say I was pissed would not even begin to describe my emotion. When I say family member, I don't mean some distant cousin. I mean FAMILY member. This is someone I love dearly. My heart was hurting and my head was about to explode.

Instead of blowing up I decided to use my new skills. I took a deep breath and did not call, text, or visit my family member. I called my best friend instead. She talked me through it and let me vent like she always does. I cannot kick this person out of my life. They will always be around. I need to try and figure out how to keep my cool and not let them know that i'm aware of what they're about. I know the story of what they did is a little incomplete but it's just too childish for me to gt into.

The lesson learned from this situation is knowing that I cannot trust someone who is suppose to have my back. It hurts but I will deal with it. I will not withdraw or become guarded. That's the reaction I no longer want to have. Knowing is what's most important. There has to be a reason my eyes are being opened to so many things. I don't know what it is. All I can do is prepare myself and make sure i'm ready for whatever comes.

Until tomorrow....