Monday, April 13, 2009

Dear Diary 44

Dear Diary,

I'm finding it a little hard to be positive lately. There are so many things I want out of life and there are times that I feel like i'll never reach the goals that i've set for myself. I'm feeling a bit stuck. In my heart of hearts I feel that i'm being tested and prepared for something bigger. I'm just having trouble being patient.

It's not easy to think positive when situations make you feel like you'll never get over the hump. I have faith, but I think it's being tested. I don't want to fail the test, and I know that I am worthy of the outcome. I'm just growing a little weary of the back and forth and up and down of it all. It seems like things will never move at a steady pace.

I've noticed that i'm really beginning to let my job get me down. I don't like it and it's bringing my spirit down. I want to leave, but i'm not sure that would be the best decision right now. It's also not easy to give up 13 years of seniority and start over. Does it mean I don't have faith that God will not move me from bad to worst, or am I just cautious?

Walking on faith is not an easy thing to do. I wish I could say I was there, but I know I am not. I'm a work in progress and I pray every day and ask for the strength to keep it moving when there are times when I want to collapse, both mentally and spiritually.

The thing is, I can feel something moving inside me. I feel it all around me. Whenever I try to be the pessimist i've always been, something tells me things are going to work themselves out like they never have. I just need to be still and learn how to listen, and feel without thinking so much. I don't worry about things as much as I once did, but I still have improvements to make. There was a time when I never allowed myself to have a positive outlook so I know I have made strides. Situations that would have brought me down in the past are not having any affect.

I know he's working on me. Each day I pray for forgiveness for allowing my negative outlook to block my blessings. I notice things moving as I shed that habit. My life is better. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I know for sure I will get there.