Monday, March 30, 2009

Dear Diary 43

Dear Diary,

I'm really trying to keep my temper in check, but it's so hard. It seems like the harder you try, the more people want to test you. I know what kind of temper I have, and i've really been trying not to let it loose. It's so hard sometimes because people can really push you.

I guess i'm a can be considered a quiet person. I don't warm up to people easily. I'm more inclined to sit back in the cut and see what vibes I feel. I believe in first impressions and i'm hardly ever wrong. My initial reaction to people is usually spot on. My intuition hasn't failed me yet.

I think i'm quiet because I have a very low tolerance for bull crap. I just can't take it. I've been trying to let things go and move on and, for the most part is has worked. Of course, there are those times when my alter ego, I call her Harlem, comes out and sets it off. Sometimes it just has to be done. A lot of folks take kindness for weakness and Harlem has to let them know the deal. She hasn't been out in a while, but between my job and a few people who have really been irking me lately, she may have to make an appearance.

Like I always say, i'm a work in progress. I've made some strides, but i'm far from where I want to be. I have to admit, it's great to have less visits from Harlem. She use to be a constant part of my day. Blogging also helps me to get out some of the things that are bothering me. I always get such good feedback and advice from some of my blog friends. It really helps.

I guess I just needed to vent. Some things happened today that tried to force Harlem out. I was proud of myself. I kept her under wraps. Sometimes when people know how to push your buttons, they lay on them until they get a result. I refused to let that happen today. I'm proud of myself.

Until tomorrow....

Monday, March 23, 2009

Dear Diary 42

Dear Diary,

Stress! What a word. That thing can kill you. I was talking to someone special yesterday and became really sad because life has really gotten this person down. They're feeling overwhelmed. It's a shame how that can happen. One minute you feel like you're on top of the world and the next thing you know you feel like the world is on top of you.

I have definitely been in that position. I once let a job stress me out so badly that I became physically sick. I had to take so many trips back and forth to the doctor that it was getting on my nerves. We finally sat down and had a long talk and realized that the problem was stress. Once I realized what was going on, and left that job, I felt much better.

It hurt to see someone I love going through so many emotions and stresses. They're just starting their adult life and student loans, a career they thought they would love but don't, trying to be independent, and just the daily rigamarole that life can put you through are all bringing them down. It's taking their emotional stability for a ride. All I could do was listen and offer whatever advice I thought would help. My main advice was, "pray on it."

Prayer has definitely helped me navigate some situations I thought I would not make it through. It's not easy, but it helps. I've learned to take time to give thanks, even when things aren't going the way I would like. I know that, all things considered, my life could be a lot worse. I'm thankful for the rough times because they help me to appreciate the good.

Until tomorrow....

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Dear Diary 41

Dear Diary,

I was cleaning out my old locker and came across something that was taped inside. It definitely hit home for me. Here it is:

Dear God,

I want to thank you for what you have already done. I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards, I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better, I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until people say sorry or until they stop talking about me, I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears, I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves, I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait unti the children are asleep and the house is quiet, I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get a job, I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief, I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait unit the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed, I am thanking you right now.

I am thanking you because I am alive. I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties. I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles. I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.

I am thanking you because you have not given up on me. God is so good and he's good all the time!

Until tomorrow...Take the time to say thank you.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Dear Diary 40

Dear Diary,

So, i'm back to work. It feels like I never left. One of these days will be my last here and I will be happy about it. I'm claiming a new career for myself. What i'm doing now is not the move. I'm not complaining; I just need something new and much more fulfilling. I want to make a difference.

Making my living as a writer would be the best thing that could happen to me. That would be my difference. A good book can get a person through a lot. I still remember reading, "Are you there God, it's me Margaret," when I was young. I remember the feeling it gave me. I remember writing short stories and giving them to my sisters and a couple friends and they would go on and on telling me how much they liked or related to them. It was a great feeling.

My book is done, but I haven't finished editing. I had no idea how much of a process it would be. I'm still thinking of hiring someone to check the grammar. I've always been one to pay more attention to the words than the punctuation. My friend says i'm old school because I don't sit in front of the computer when I write. I'm a pen and notebook girl. I write first and type later.

One of my blog friends,
A Free Spirit Butterfly
had a haiku contest. I entered right before the deadline and tied with someone else for the win. I was really happy. I've entered a few short story contests and i've only won one. It's a great feeling to have anything i've written acknowledged. I thank Free Spirit Butterfly for her acknowledgment.

I'm going to keep pushing. I don't know what will become of my writing career but, God willing, it will be all that is should be. If my books bring a smile to just ones person's face or makes someone think, i'll be extremely happy.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Dear Diary 39

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling a lot better, but still not back to my old self. At times I forget the pain is there and move or get up too fast. I think i'll be back to normal in another week. I'm just glad to be able to move around on my own. Last week was terrible. My husband took such good care of me. He waited on me hand and foot. I was in a lot of pain, but I admit I enjoyed it.

I wasn't going to talk about my operation, but I just changed my mind. I had to have a partial hysterectomy. My uterus was removed due to a condition called adenomyosis. I was initially diagnosed with fibroids and although I did have some they were not the main cause of the problems I experienced. Adenomyosis in a nutshell is an enlarged uterus. Luckily, I was able to have minimally invasive surgery and did not get cut. My recovery time and pain are both lessened.

Not having a uterus means that I can no longer have children. My daughter is 24 and my son is 18 so when the doctor asked me if I had any intentions of having another child I told her hell no. My husband and I thought we would be living alone at this point, but the universe had other ideas. Our daughter decided not to move just yet and our son decided to go to school here in the city.

My surgery was organized a few months in advance and I really thought I was fine with it. I didn't really think about it until about a week before it was time to get it done. The closer the day became, the more nervous I got. When my husband and I woke up Monday, March 2nd, the day of my surgery, I was a nervous wreck. I didn't tell him how I was feeling because I knew he would tell me everything was going to be fine and that's not what I wanted to hear. I didn't tell him I was scared until we were on our way to the hospital. He just said, "I know," and gave me a hug. I looked into his eyes and realized he was nervous too.

The surgery was suppose to start at 3:30 but it didn't happen until 6:00. I spent a couple hours alone after a nurse's assistant came to the room where I was sitting with my husband and kids to take me to the OR waiting room. I thought I would be getting started, but I had to sit and wait, and wait, and wait. All that did was allow me to worry more. All sorts of things went through my head. I hoped the anesthesia took and I didn't wake up during the operation. I thought about my friend's grandmother who had a scalpel left in her abdomen after surgery. Every thing that could possibly go wrong went through my head. By the time they came to get me, I was a nervous wreck.

One minute I was climbing on an operating table and talking to doctors and anesthesiologists and the next minute I was waking up in recovery thanking God for bringing me through the surgery. It was sort of creepy. I also thanked him for the wonderful doctors and nurses who took such great care of me. My surgery was considered outpatient and I was suppose to go home but my doctor found a way for me to stay. It was a terribly cold and snowy day and it would not have been fun for me to leave the hospital in so much pain under those conditions. I didn't wake up until 10:00 and they didn't take me to my room until midnight. Imagine what it would have been like if they made me leave. I think it's disgusting that this sort of surgery is considered outpatient.

My husband and daughter picked me up from the hospital on my birthday. As we were leaving someone from the hospitality department came to give me a teddy bear and say happy birthday. I thought that was really nice. It wasn't easy walking in the snow, but my husband helped me. My daughter took my prescriptions to the pharmacy where my sister works.

I slept a lot that first day. Those pain pills knocked me out. I was lying in the bed when I was startled by my mother, sister, and niece saying, "Happy birthday!" I had no idea they were coming. They had balloons and a birthday cake with one lit candle. I guess it would have taken too long to light it up with 41. Seeing them really made me smile. I actually forgot my pain for a minute and was very happy to see them. They stayed for a while and we had dinner, laughed like we always do when we're together, and ate some cake.

The thing that surprised me was my reaction the first time I saw a baby on television. Even though I don't want anymore children, seeing that baby hit me. The realization that I will never be able to carry another child was actually kind of sad. I didn't expect to feel that way and, to be honest, I don't really understand why I do. The thought of having a child at the age of 41 is not one I wanted to think about. Why does knowing I don't have to worry about it make me sad?

I thank God that nothing went wrong and he blessed me by putting me in the care of the wonderful staff at Mount Sinai Hospital. They took such good care of me from start to finish. I'm proud to say I work there. I'm thankful for my family, who made sure I had everything I needed to make my recovery as smooth as possible. I definitely feel blessed.