Monday, July 20, 2009

Dear Diary 55


Dear Diary,

I wonder why things never really seem to work out 100% for me. Whenever I think i'm getting ahead of the game something happens to set me back. I know that I'm not a victim and God has a plan for us all. I get that. I don't want to seem ungrateful because I know that things could be much worse. I feel like i'm being prepared for a blessing. That has to be it.

I've always felt like I was being prepared for something. I guess i'm just impatient. How long does the preparation have to last? It would be nice to have peace of mind on a constant basis. I've been doing all that I can to be the best me possible. I've taken a journey of self and it has been very educational. I've learned a lot about myself. I'm so glad that I chose to look into who I really am and make the effort to be me and not who I wanted others to think I was.

Lately situation after situation have been popping up. It almost feels like I can't get it together. All I can do is pray and hope that God will give me the strength to handle what I need to handle. I have to take it all one day at a time. I don't want to become overwhelmed. I'm a strong black woman but there are times when it all becomes too much. I've learned to just take a breath and move on. It doesn't always work, but it helps.

In Jer 1:5, God says “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you.” I know he has a plan for me. I just wonder when it will come to fruition. I don't want to seem ungrateful or impatient with God. I just want to take a step forward without taking three back.

I know that you cannot have a testimony without a test but i'm growing a little weary. I'm not a selfish person. Lately I have just felt conflicted. I have a lot of faith in God and know that he has my best interest at heart. I'm just a little tired. I know that no one can live a perfect life and that's not what I want. I just want a little time to catch my breath.

Until tomorrow....

5 comments:

Julie D said...

Thank you for following my blog! I'll be back to get caught up on yours.... :)

Jordan Nicholas Reeg said...

Thanks for commenting my Fred Adventures. Glad you liked them!

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...

Tammy, I don't like to push religion on anyone, but speaking for myself; when my life seems a little off track, overwhelmed or just stuck, I usually find that I've been missing out on my Church family. You know my line of work and oftentimes, the crime doesn't care that you need to be in the Lord's house. I know you mentioned in a past post that you were going to go to Church so I don't know if you've had the opportunity. I was talking w/my Pastor last night and he said something very profound. The outside world does not have your best interest at heart. Not that there are not two sided coins in Church, but for the most part the is a priceless peace of mind when we our in HIS house, being comforted by HIS arms. It's like a hug I've never felt before. I leave feeling renewed and ready to face another day. The feeling may not last a full 24 hours (smile) but it sure does wonders for my spirit! Always praying for you, your job and success in publishing your book. List your Pros and Cons and post them somewhere that confirms that HE has given you much and isn't anywhere close to being done with you!

Love, peace and blessings
Free Spirit!

Solomon said...

I know that I'm blessed, even on days that seem so overwhelming that it seems hopeless. I have stepped up my prayers a lot lately, and it seems like my blessing have stepped p as well. I can totally re;ate to everything you wrote here, but at the same time I can't worry about somethings that I have no control over. I know He has a plan for me also, but I also know that I can't control when the plan is to take shape. And it seems that once I have let go of my plan for when I think things should happen, I find myself just living for right now. I realize that He has a plan for me, but I can't spend my time obsessing over what that plan might be, or when it might unfold. I have faith in Him, and in His plan for me. I have no doubt that everything will work out, but in His time, not when I think everything should happen. Because whenever I start driving the bus, I always find a way to steer it right over the cliff. *smiles*

Good things happen to those who wait, at least that's what they say. I haven't came all this way for Him to give up on me now, so I just live in the moment and good things will happen exactly when they are supposed to, it seems like everything happens when it's supposed to, and I've learned the hard way that nothing ever seems to happen just because I want it to. I like the old saying "He will give us what we need, not what we want."

One thing I've learned on this journey of mine is that He has shown me many things along the way, and that I never stop learning. I figured that out after about the 20th tme I said "I think I got it now, it is time." Each time I had definitely learned something new, but I was far from the "all knowing" person that I thought I had become. And sometimes it takes a few knocks along sde the head for me to get the next clue. I better wrap this up, it's turning into a post all it's own.

Strongblkwmn said...

Julie and Jordan - Thank you for visiting.

Butterfly and Solomon - Thank you for your words. You both always seem to say the things I need to hear.

I got some very disappointing news over the weekend and this post was what I was feeling. I don't want to get weary but like I always say, i'm a work in progress. I'm trying really hard but the news I got set me back hard. I'll be alright. It's just going to take me some time.