Friday, May 29, 2009

Dear Diary 51

Dear Diary,

I had a rough day at work today. I wasn't in a great mood when I got up and as soon as I got to work I knew why. My feelings are never wrong. I can sense when something is not going to work out and I had a feeling I was in for some bull.

The good news is that I have learned not to let things get me down or take me out of my character. Yesterday I kept saying, "Nobody's going to steal my joy." I don't know where it came from. I guess I was putting the thought in my head to prepare myself for what was to come. When things started to bother me, I continued to say it in my head. I got through the day and i'm feeling good.

It feels great to know that I am making progress. My journey of self has been a wonderful experience. I see everything in a totally different light and I love it. I was cooking breakfast and ended up writing a post about eggs in a carton because all things are so much more than they seem now. I see people for who they are and not who I would like them to be. I've finally realized that I have to be honest about the things I know about people and not try to ignore. I must accept that they are who they are going to be.

I'm still a work in progress and always will be. Each day I thank God for opening my eyes in more ways than one. I am so thankful to be so blessed. Some people go through life and never really get to know themselves. I was actually on track to be that way. Things changed for the better when they were suppose to. I have learned from every experience i've had. It took me a while but now I know that the things we go through exist to shape us into the person we are suppose to be. I am thankful for it all and cannot wait to see what else is in store.

Until tomorrow....

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Dear Diary 50

Dear Diary,

A friend emailed something to me that I thought I would share. It was definitely food for thought for me. Here it is:

It's okay to quit:

1. Quit arguing with people about the same old foolishness! Respect their position and keep it moving!

2. Quit telling people your secrets when you know they are not going to keep them! And if you keep telling them, then quit getting mad when they tell your secrets!

3. Quit trying to pull people on your journey who don't want to travel with you. Either they believe in you and value you...or they don't!

4. Quit complaining about things you can't and won't change!

5. Quit gossiping about other people! Minding our own business should be a full time job!

6. Quit blaming each other for things that in the big picture aren't going to matter three weeks from now! Talk solutions...and then implement them!

7. Quit buying things when we know we can't afford them! If you don't have self control, then quit going to the stores! Quit charging things,especially when you don't NEED them!

8. Quit staying in unhealthy relationships! It is not okay for people to verbally or physically abuse you! So quit lying to yourself! It is not okay to stay in the marriage for the children! Ask them and they will tell you that they really would prefer to see you happy and that the misery you and your spouse/partner are living with is affecting them!

9. Quit letting family members rope you into the drama! -Start telling them you don't want to hear it! Quit spreading the drama! Quit calling other relatives and telling them about your cousin,uncle,or aunt! Go back to #5 minding your own business should be enough to keep you busy!

10. Quit trying to change people! IT DOESN'T WORK! Quit cussing people out when you know that they are just being the miserable and jealous people that they are!

11. Quit volunteering for things that you aren't getting any personal fulfillment from anymore!

12. Quit listening to the naysayers!

13. Quit making excuses about why you are where you are or why you
can't do what you want to do!

14. Quit waiting on others to give you the answers...and start finding the answers for yourself! If what you are doing isn't working for you...then quit it!

15. Quit settling and start making your dreams a reality!- Quit being afraid and START LIVING YOUR LIFE! CREATE THE LIFE YOU WANT! If you want something different than what you have had in the must quitdoing what you have done before and DO something different! JUST QUIT IT ...... and START DOING something to create the experience you want!

Until tomorrow....

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Dear Diary 49

Dear Diary,

It's Memorial Day weekend and i'm taking this time to remember my dad. He wasn't a veteran or anything, just my daddy. I guess I shouldn't say it that way. My father was such a huge personality. When he was in the room you knew he was there. He was funny and ultra intelligent. He taught me to be well rounded and up on what's going on in the world. I miss him so much. I still talk to him and kiss his picture every day.

I'm also thinking of my grandparents. They were together for over 50 years. My grandfather was a boisterous, rotund man who owned several businesses even though he only had a third grade education. He was such a savvy businessman. I remember being at his burial and seeing a never ending procession of cars. We were walking back to the limos and people were still coming. He was very popular. Everyone in the town knew him and my grandmother. She was his right hand. I can see her smiling as I walked in the family house summer after summer and saying, "Hey bay." I hope my husband and I are lucky enough to have the marriage my grandparents had.

My next door neighbor passed away in his sleep. He was a young man, not even 40, and it was such a shock when he died. His mother found him. His name was Gary and he was so cool. All we did was sit around and laugh and joke around. His mother was his best friend and she has not been the same since his death. Whenever we have a get together at our home I think of him.

It's so hard to lose people you love. It took me a while but I have learned to spend more time remembering the good things than mourning. My father was the first person close to me that left me. I felt empty inside. It took years for me to accept that he was gone. His death taught me a lesson. It made me realize that I had to cherish life and the people I love. You never know what can happen.

I didn't have time with my father before he passed away. His death was sudden. My mother, on the other hand, got to spend two weeks with her mother before she died. When the doctors realized she didn't have much time they told my aunt and uncle, who still live in the small town my mother was born in, to get the family together. All seven of my grandmother's children went to North Carolina. My grandmother lasted much longer than expected. She's always been a very strong woman. I'm sure she enjoyed having all of her children around her.

So, Memorial Day weekend has me reflecting. I really miss those who have gone but I know I will see them again. I'm sure my father is in heaven talking sports and politics and my grandparents are somewhere holding hands. Gary's partying and drinking Belvedere. I miss them all.

Until tomorrow....

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Dear Diary 48

Dear Diary,

I'm taking a short break from all the fun i'm having to say how much fun i'm having. Hubby and I arrived at our friend's place Saturday afternoon. They were having a cookout and the house was full of people. I love cookouts.

Being around good people is always a wonderful thing. It's nice when you can just lay back and have a good time. Our friends are the type who open their door to everyone and people love them because they're so genuine. I looked around and everyone was laughing and having a good ole time. It was just what I needed.

Being away from work and the city makes me cherish the time I have. I'm not crazy about my job, but know that i'm blessed to have it. Being away is awesome. We have had so much fun. Tomorrow's our last day here and we plan to make the most of the time we have with our friends.

Until tomorrow...

Friday, May 15, 2009

Dear Diary 47

Dear Diary,

I just got to work and i'm in a really good mood. It's Friday, i'm going out with friends when I get off, and my husband and I leave visit friends for a few days when he gets off work tomorrow. All that is great but it's only part of the reason i'm in such a good mood.

I just finished the second round of editing my novel. I bring it with me to work every day and edit on the bus and whenever I have a chance at work. As I was finishing the last few pages I smiled to myself because I realized that I am really proud of what I have written. I love it!

There are so many gifts God could have given me. I am so glad that he chose to make me a writer. How blessed am I? Some people never realize what their gifts are and some never find out what it is that they love to do. I know what my passion is. It's obvious to me that I was put here to put paper to pen.

I haven't always been comfortable with sharing the things I write with others. I was nervous and did not have confidence in my abilities. Things take time. I have done so much growing in the past few years that I have thrown the fear out the window and learned that i'm an awesome writer. I read my book and impressed myself. I love the way I put the whole idea together.

I've definitely grown because i've invited others into my editing process. I'll be having my first book club meeting at the end of the month. I chose a few people whose opinions I trust to read together and give me the feedback I need to make sure that my novel is all that it can be. I'm not nervous about that at all. I'm excited and hope that they love what I have written as much as I do.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. My book will be published when I come out on the other side. It is claimed and will be done! I will be a published author. Believe it!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Dear Diary 46

Dear Diary,

My husband and I are going upstate to visit some friends for a few days at the end of the week. I cannot wait. A change of scenery is going to do me good. It's going to be nice to have some good times with good friends in a different space. I love my city, but sometimes the hustle and constant go, go, go, of New York can get under your skin.

Work is a real pain this week and I just want to make it to Friday. I'm trying not to let the negative energy around me affect my mood, but it isn't easy. My supervisor has no life and although I feel sorry for her it would be nice if she didn't bring a black cloud to work with her every day. I had to say something to her today because there are just certain things I will not tolerate. I am a 41 year old woman and I will not be treated like a child.

It's crazy how some people think a title gives them card blanche to do and say whatever they want. One of my biggest pet peeves is having someone insult my intelligence or treat me like a child. I don't extend the opportunity to do either of those things to anyone. I never have and I never will. So, I had to let her know how I feel and because she thinks supervisor equals God she has an attitude. I actually like the silent treatment and I feel bad for her because she doesn't know how to respond to criticism.

So anyway, i'm off to visit friends and I cannot wait to leave this city behind for a little while. They live in a small town and it's going to be nice to grab a drink and sit on the porch and chit chat and laugh. I need that right now.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Dear Diary 45

Dear Diary,

I'm in a really good mood today. Actually, i've been in a pretty good mood for a while. My health hasn't been the best for the past few days, but my spirits were still high. This is kind of different for me. Looking back, I realize that there were times when I actually seemed to look for reasons to be down. It's amazing what you realize once you move on.

Life really is what you make of it. I want to have a happy, positive life so I guess I have to be those things. I'm so determined now. When I start feeling sorry for myself or getting down on life, I go back to the vow I made to me. I vowed that I would be optimistic and make the best out of life and that is what i'm going to do.

I read between the lines of something someone said in an email and realized that they thought my energy was a little on the negative side sometimes. My feelings were a little hurt at first but instead of letting it take me over like I once did, I sat back and owned it. I've never really been the type of person who was able to smile on the outside when my inside was doing the opposite. It was hard.

My emotions have been firmly planted on my sleeve. If i'm going through something it shows, even when I try to hide it. It got so bad at one point that I felt like the best thing for me to do was shut down and stay to myself. It wasn't fair for me to let my moods affect others.

That was then and this is now. I've learned that talking helps. I can't hold stuff in. I'm good now. I'm so much happier. To be honest I didn't realize I was seeking misery. Misery may be a strong word, but I did seem to prefer to play it extremely safe and worry about everything from a to z. I'm done with that. It's time for walking on faith. Whatever will be will be.