Dear Diary 39

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling a lot better, but still not back to my old self. At times I forget the pain is there and move or get up too fast. I think i'll be back to normal in another week. I'm just glad to be able to move around on my own. Last week was terrible. My husband took such good care of me. He waited on me hand and foot. I was in a lot of pain, but I admit I enjoyed it.

I wasn't going to talk about my operation, but I just changed my mind. I had to have a partial hysterectomy. My uterus was removed due to a condition called adenomyosis. I was initially diagnosed with fibroids and although I did have some they were not the main cause of the problems I experienced. Adenomyosis in a nutshell is an enlarged uterus. Luckily, I was able to have minimally invasive surgery and did not get cut. My recovery time and pain are both lessened.

Not having a uterus means that I can no longer have children. My daughter is 24 and my son is 18 so when the doctor asked me if I had any intentions of having another child I told her hell no. My husband and I thought we would be living alone at this point, but the universe had other ideas. Our daughter decided not to move just yet and our son decided to go to school here in the city.

My surgery was organized a few months in advance and I really thought I was fine with it. I didn't really think about it until about a week before it was time to get it done. The closer the day became, the more nervous I got. When my husband and I woke up Monday, March 2nd, the day of my surgery, I was a nervous wreck. I didn't tell him how I was feeling because I knew he would tell me everything was going to be fine and that's not what I wanted to hear. I didn't tell him I was scared until we were on our way to the hospital. He just said, "I know," and gave me a hug. I looked into his eyes and realized he was nervous too.

The surgery was suppose to start at 3:30 but it didn't happen until 6:00. I spent a couple hours alone after a nurse's assistant came to the room where I was sitting with my husband and kids to take me to the OR waiting room. I thought I would be getting started, but I had to sit and wait, and wait, and wait. All that did was allow me to worry more. All sorts of things went through my head. I hoped the anesthesia took and I didn't wake up during the operation. I thought about my friend's grandmother who had a scalpel left in her abdomen after surgery. Every thing that could possibly go wrong went through my head. By the time they came to get me, I was a nervous wreck.

One minute I was climbing on an operating table and talking to doctors and anesthesiologists and the next minute I was waking up in recovery thanking God for bringing me through the surgery. It was sort of creepy. I also thanked him for the wonderful doctors and nurses who took such great care of me. My surgery was considered outpatient and I was suppose to go home but my doctor found a way for me to stay. It was a terribly cold and snowy day and it would not have been fun for me to leave the hospital in so much pain under those conditions. I didn't wake up until 10:00 and they didn't take me to my room until midnight. Imagine what it would have been like if they made me leave. I think it's disgusting that this sort of surgery is considered outpatient.

My husband and daughter picked me up from the hospital on my birthday. As we were leaving someone from the hospitality department came to give me a teddy bear and say happy birthday. I thought that was really nice. It wasn't easy walking in the snow, but my husband helped me. My daughter took my prescriptions to the pharmacy where my sister works.

I slept a lot that first day. Those pain pills knocked me out. I was lying in the bed when I was startled by my mother, sister, and niece saying, "Happy birthday!" I had no idea they were coming. They had balloons and a birthday cake with one lit candle. I guess it would have taken too long to light it up with 41. Seeing them really made me smile. I actually forgot my pain for a minute and was very happy to see them. They stayed for a while and we had dinner, laughed like we always do when we're together, and ate some cake.

The thing that surprised me was my reaction the first time I saw a baby on television. Even though I don't want anymore children, seeing that baby hit me. The realization that I will never be able to carry another child was actually kind of sad. I didn't expect to feel that way and, to be honest, I don't really understand why I do. The thought of having a child at the age of 41 is not one I wanted to think about. Why does knowing I don't have to worry about it make me sad?

I thank God that nothing went wrong and he blessed me by putting me in the care of the wonderful staff at Mount Sinai Hospital. They took such good care of me from start to finish. I'm proud to say I work there. I'm thankful for my family, who made sure I had everything I needed to make my recovery as smooth as possible. I definitely feel blessed.