Monday, January 11, 2010

Dear Diary 66

Dear Diary,

I'm not sure what is going on lately. I've been trying really hard to learn lessons from my mistakes and move on. I've always had a problem with holding grudges and stressing myself out. I can think something so far into the ground, but I never actually bury anything. I don't like it and it's one aspect of my personality that I know is definitely not a plus.

I was doing pretty well. My mind felt clear. Things have happened that could have took up a lot of space in the grudge portion of my being but I let them go. I was actually very proud of myself. It's a constant struggle for me not to take things personally. I also haven't been very forgiving. One day I just realized that there was no way i'd be able to progress if I kept thinking about things that happened in the past. I had to start releasing and letting go.

The first test was finding out my son was going to be a father. He's 19 years old and a sophomore in college. He's been with his girlfriend for two years and i've been fighting to keep them from becoming parents too soon. Normally I would have reacted too fast and worried myself half to death. This time I took a step back and tried to make sure I was in a good place before I said or did anything. I'm glad I did.

I'm moving on with my life and trying to be the best person I can. I'll always be a work in progress but that's okay. Things will happen now and then. It's a part of life. Nothing is perfect. All i'm trying to do is be happy and have good people around me. I'm really not into drama. Those days are behind me, or at least i'd like them to be. My husband's an excellent driver but he always says your skills don't matter if the other people on the road don't know what they're doing.

That's how I feel with the drama that keeps popping up in my life. I was at work Friday, minding my business and trying to get ready for the weekend, when it found me once again. To make a long story short I found out that a family member that I trusted told some lies that ruined a friendship. I noticed that a friend of mine seemed to be kind of distant but I had so many things going on that I didn't have time to ask why. Well, now I know.

It really hurts when you put your trust in someone and find out it's not valued. This had to be another test. I was tempted to go off like I usually do. To say I was pissed would not even begin to describe my emotion. When I say family member, I don't mean some distant cousin. I mean FAMILY member. This is someone I love dearly. My heart was hurting and my head was about to explode.

Instead of blowing up I decided to use my new skills. I took a deep breath and did not call, text, or visit my family member. I called my best friend instead. She talked me through it and let me vent like she always does. I cannot kick this person out of my life. They will always be around. I need to try and figure out how to keep my cool and not let them know that i'm aware of what they're about. I know the story of what they did is a little incomplete but it's just too childish for me to gt into.

The lesson learned from this situation is knowing that I cannot trust someone who is suppose to have my back. It hurts but I will deal with it. I will not withdraw or become guarded. That's the reaction I no longer want to have. Knowing is what's most important. There has to be a reason my eyes are being opened to so many things. I don't know what it is. All I can do is prepare myself and make sure i'm ready for whatever comes.

Until tomorrow....

1 comment:

Don said...

Sounds like it was removed from the book of my life. I used to trust people the same way I felt they could trust me. Used to, after I ended up seeing things for what they really are - certain people, I just stopped trusting people altogether.

A person can just about be standing next to me and, in my mind, I have not surrendered my space/trust.

That's deep, ain't it.

Like you say, knowing is what's most important. Remain strong.