Dear Diary 42

Dear Diary,

Stress! What a word. That thing can kill you. I was talking to someone special yesterday and became really sad because life has really gotten this person down. They're feeling overwhelmed. It's a shame how that can happen. One minute you feel like you're on top of the world and the next thing you know you feel like the world is on top of you.

I have definitely been in that position. I once let a job stress me out so badly that I became physically sick. I had to take so many trips back and forth to the doctor that it was getting on my nerves. We finally sat down and had a long talk and realized that the problem was stress. Once I realized what was going on, and left that job, I felt much better.

It hurt to see someone I love going through so many emotions and stresses. They're just starting their adult life and student loans, a career they thought they would love but don't, trying to be independent, and just the daily rigamarole that life can put you through are all bringing them down. It's taking their emotional stability for a ride. All I could do was listen and offer whatever advice I thought would help. My main advice was, "pray on it."

Prayer has definitely helped me navigate some situations I thought I would not make it through. It's not easy, but it helps. I've learned to take time to give thanks, even when things aren't going the way I would like. I know that, all things considered, my life could be a lot worse. I'm thankful for the rough times because they help me to appreciate the good.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 41

Dear Diary,

I was cleaning out my old locker and came across something that was taped inside. It definitely hit home for me. Here it is:

Dear God,

I want to thank you for what you have already done. I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards, I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better, I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until people say sorry or until they stop talking about me, I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears, I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves, I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait unti the children are asleep and the house is quiet, I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get a job, I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief, I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait unit the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed, I am thanking you right now.

I am thanking you because I am alive. I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties. I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles. I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.

I am thanking you because you have not given up on me. God is so good and he's good all the time!

Until tomorrow...Take the time to say thank you.

Dear Diary 40

Dear Diary,

So, i'm back to work. It feels like I never left. One of these days will be my last here and I will be happy about it. I'm claiming a new career for myself. What i'm doing now is not the move. I'm not complaining; I just need something new and much more fulfilling. I want to make a difference.

Making my living as a writer would be the best thing that could happen to me. That would be my difference. A good book can get a person through a lot. I still remember reading, "Are you there God, it's me Margaret," when I was young. I remember the feeling it gave me. I remember writing short stories and giving them to my sisters and a couple friends and they would go on and on telling me how much they liked or related to them. It was a great feeling.

My book is done, but I haven't finished editing. I had no idea how much of a process it would be. I'm still thinking of hiring someone to check the grammar. I've always been one to pay more attention to the words than the punctuation. My friend says i'm old school because I don't sit in front of the computer when I write. I'm a pen and notebook girl. I write first and type later.

One of my blog friends,

A Free Spirit Butterfly

had a haiku contest. I entered right before the deadline and tied with someone else for the win. I was really happy. I've entered a few short story contests and i've only won one. It's a great feeling to have anything i've written acknowledged. I thank Free Spirit Butterfly for her acknowledgment.

I'm going to keep pushing. I don't know what will become of my writing career but, God willing, it will be all that is should be. If my books bring a smile to just ones person's face or makes someone think, i'll be extremely happy.

Dear Diary 39

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling a lot better, but still not back to my old self. At times I forget the pain is there and move or get up too fast. I think i'll be back to normal in another week. I'm just glad to be able to move around on my own. Last week was terrible. My husband took such good care of me. He waited on me hand and foot. I was in a lot of pain, but I admit I enjoyed it.

I wasn't going to talk about my operation, but I just changed my mind. I had to have a partial hysterectomy. My uterus was removed due to a condition called adenomyosis. I was initially diagnosed with fibroids and although I did have some they were not the main cause of the problems I experienced. Adenomyosis in a nutshell is an enlarged uterus. Luckily, I was able to have minimally invasive surgery and did not get cut. My recovery time and pain are both lessened.

Not having a uterus means that I can no longer have children. My daughter is 24 and my son is 18 so when the doctor asked me if I had any intentions of having another child I told her hell no. My husband and I thought we would be living alone at this point, but the universe had other ideas. Our daughter decided not to move just yet and our son decided to go to school here in the city.

My surgery was organized a few months in advance and I really thought I was fine with it. I didn't really think about it until about a week before it was time to get it done. The closer the day became, the more nervous I got. When my husband and I woke up Monday, March 2nd, the day of my surgery, I was a nervous wreck. I didn't tell him how I was feeling because I knew he would tell me everything was going to be fine and that's not what I wanted to hear. I didn't tell him I was scared until we were on our way to the hospital. He just said, "I know," and gave me a hug. I looked into his eyes and realized he was nervous too.

The surgery was suppose to start at 3:30 but it didn't happen until 6:00. I spent a couple hours alone after a nurse's assistant came to the room where I was sitting with my husband and kids to take me to the OR waiting room. I thought I would be getting started, but I had to sit and wait, and wait, and wait. All that did was allow me to worry more. All sorts of things went through my head. I hoped the anesthesia took and I didn't wake up during the operation. I thought about my friend's grandmother who had a scalpel left in her abdomen after surgery. Every thing that could possibly go wrong went through my head. By the time they came to get me, I was a nervous wreck.

One minute I was climbing on an operating table and talking to doctors and anesthesiologists and the next minute I was waking up in recovery thanking God for bringing me through the surgery. It was sort of creepy. I also thanked him for the wonderful doctors and nurses who took such great care of me. My surgery was considered outpatient and I was suppose to go home but my doctor found a way for me to stay. It was a terribly cold and snowy day and it would not have been fun for me to leave the hospital in so much pain under those conditions. I didn't wake up until 10:00 and they didn't take me to my room until midnight. Imagine what it would have been like if they made me leave. I think it's disgusting that this sort of surgery is considered outpatient.

My husband and daughter picked me up from the hospital on my birthday. As we were leaving someone from the hospitality department came to give me a teddy bear and say happy birthday. I thought that was really nice. It wasn't easy walking in the snow, but my husband helped me. My daughter took my prescriptions to the pharmacy where my sister works.

I slept a lot that first day. Those pain pills knocked me out. I was lying in the bed when I was startled by my mother, sister, and niece saying, "Happy birthday!" I had no idea they were coming. They had balloons and a birthday cake with one lit candle. I guess it would have taken too long to light it up with 41. Seeing them really made me smile. I actually forgot my pain for a minute and was very happy to see them. They stayed for a while and we had dinner, laughed like we always do when we're together, and ate some cake.

The thing that surprised me was my reaction the first time I saw a baby on television. Even though I don't want anymore children, seeing that baby hit me. The realization that I will never be able to carry another child was actually kind of sad. I didn't expect to feel that way and, to be honest, I don't really understand why I do. The thought of having a child at the age of 41 is not one I wanted to think about. Why does knowing I don't have to worry about it make me sad?

I thank God that nothing went wrong and he blessed me by putting me in the care of the wonderful staff at Mount Sinai Hospital. They took such good care of me from start to finish. I'm proud to say I work there. I'm thankful for my family, who made sure I had everything I needed to make my recovery as smooth as possible. I definitely feel blessed.

Dear Diary 38

Dear Diary,

I've been feeling so run down lately. One of my co-workers mom is really sick and she has been out. Since i'm the only one who knows how to do her work I got saddled with it. I didn't even have time to do my own. It pissed me off, but I did what I had to do. I would want someone to fill in for me if, God forbid, my mother was sick. I was swamped the entire week, but thinking of my co-worker sitting next to her mother on her death bed pushed me to continue.

Losing a parent is such a terrible thing. My father passed away ten years ago and even though it's getting easier to deal with, I think about him every day. I did not get the chance to tell him goodbye. I got a phone call telling me he was gone. That is the worst thing I have ever experienced. One minute we were making plans for him to visit and the next minute he was gone.

I try to live the life I think my father would be proud of. I know that he is watching me and I want him to do it with a smile. I miss him so much. He's the reason for my love of sports and music. We would talk on the phone for hours about the Yankees or the new music that was out.

The original Yankee Stadium is being torn down and replaced by some new fangled bull that's going to be so expensive that families will no longer be able to go to games. I'm so glad I have the memories of going to games with my daddy. We had so much fun. I loved sports when all my friends were beginning to turn into girly girls. I've always been sort of a tomboy.

I thank God that my mother is still alive. She works so hard. She's part of the reason I work so hard to get my book published. The dream is to sell so well that my mother can stop working. I'm sure that will take a couple books, but you never know what could happen. I love my mother. She's my example of a strong black woman on the move. There is not one lazy bone in her body. I hope to be like her when I grow up.

Here's to the father I lost who taught me so much and the mother who is the first strong black woman I ever met.

Dear Diary 37

Dear Diary,

There's so much going on in my head right now. I feel like i'm twisting in the wind. My birthday is coming up and although I haven't accomplished everything I would have liked to since I turned 40, I do think i've made some improvements and learned a lot of things about myself.

I've learned that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I can handle way more than I give myself credit for. I should have known that because God is not going to give you more than you can handle, even when you think you're overwhelmed. How can you appreciate what you have if it doesn't take a little work?

I still feel there's a blessing waiting for me. Too many things are being moved. I don't know what it is or when it will come; I just want to be ready. It's important for me to be the person who deserves what they receive. That is why I feel like i'm being prepared. I know that my mindset has done a lot to block my blessings. You get what you give. I've been way to pessimistic and worrysome. I finally realize that has to change if I want to get the things out of life that are waiting for me.

My children are grown now. I've done my job as a mother. It's their time now. My daughter has her career and my son has begun his college journey. Now is the time for their father and I to sit back and watch them live their lives. We filled up their belts, now it's time for them to use the tools. I'm very proud of them and thank God that I had a hand it adding two wonderful people to the universe.

My husband and I are really hitting our stride. We thought we'd be living alone at this time. Our daughter was going to move out and our son was going to go away for college. They both changed their minds. It's fine. I don't want my daughter to move until she has enough saved where she can sit pretty and live her life. My son's decision to stay turned out to be a good one because he received a four year academic scholarship and is a member of the school basketball team. He loves his school. He made the right decision.

I feel good about the life the four of us have shared. Even though our children have lives of their own and we don't spend as much time together, we share a very close bond. I love my family very much. They have been my blessing for a very long time. It has been a priviledge for me to be in their lives.

How lucky am I? I got to carry two lives inside my womb. It was my responsibility to nurture them and bring them into this world. I still remember the day both of my children were born like it was yesterday. My husband was there with me every step of the way, as he has been since. I am truly blessed.

There was a time when I let everything stress me out. I worried, worried, worried, and assumed the worst at all times. In the months leading up to my 40th birthday, I began to do a lot of soul searching. I'm so glad I did. I'm not all the way there yet, but I am learning to let go. Things will work out the way they're suppose to. It's all in God's hands, and I am so thankful for every blessing he has sent my way.

Dear Diary 36

Dear Diary,

I'm not sure how I feel about Valentine's day. I've been with my husband for a long time and we've never really gotten into it. We tell each other I love you every day. Our love is very evident. I'm not so sure we need a special day to prove it.

My son is 18 and this day is very important to him. He's spent days getting things together for his girlfriend and they have a big day planned. I think that's cute and very caring. Seeing how into it he was took me back to the days when I first met his father. I was 15 and he was 18. We only had one Valentines Day together before we became parents. I can't say I remember how we spent it, but I consider it special because it was the first one.

We've had our share of flowers, cards, and candy and it was nice. We did the dinners and romantic nights. It's years later and our feelings for each other have escalated, we've had our share of ups and downs, and we're still together. I love him more right now than I thought I ever would.

We didn't say, "Happy Valentine's Day," when we woke up this morning we said, "I love you." Some of the things we've gone through have taught us to cherish every day you have with the one you love. There's no need to save it all up for one day. This is a cute holiday but, hopefully, we all learn to let the ones we love know how much they mean to us as often as we can.

Until tomorrow....