Dear Diary 72

Dear Diary,

I haven't blogged in so long and I don't know why. It's like every time I think about it I get sidetracked. It's beginning to bother me, like i'm neglecting my child or something. I have got to do better.

There's been a lot going on in my life lately, but at the same time nothing has really changed. There are still times when I feel that I am not doing enough with my life. I have a feeling i'll always feel that way because i'm my toughest critic. I really need to learn to stop being so hard on myself.

My book is coming along but I feel like a deer in headlights when it comes to the publishing game. It's so much work. I've read articles and books that are suppose to help me decide how to maneuver the whole thing, but all that's doing is causing more confusion. I've reached out to a few of the authors i've come in contact with, but so far they've only wanted to help up to a certain point. It's like a magician who doesn't want to reveal how the trick is done because he's scared it'll be done better.

Sometimes I feel like something is missing. I'm not quite sure what it is. When I start feeling like it's not all there, I think of my little Lia. She is the shining light of my life. All I have to do is picture her pretty little face in my head and I feel better. I love being a grandmother. It has changed me. She has changed me. It's wonderful. I love playing with her and taking care of her.

Lia is so awesome! She's a little person now. The baby is gone. It's so much fun to see her discovering, and doing, new things. We went to lunch Saturday and she sat at the table for the first time. Her eyes lit up and you could tell she felt like a big girl. It was so cute! I wish I could have that light in my eyes each day. Well, I guess I can't say that because it's there whenever she's around.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 71

Dear Diary,

Ain't life grand? You have to get with it. There is absolutely no choice. Even when you don't feel like making that lemonade. Most of the time I feel like taking those lemons and throwing them back at the universe, but it's just not a option. I have to keep on moving.

Sometimes I wish things were always easy. I have to keep reminding myself that there is no testimony without a test. Life has to be about learning from your mistakes and Lord knows i've made a lot of them. Some I didn't even know about. I thought I was doing a pretty good job and found out that I sucked. LOL! It hurt me to the core but I learned a valuable lesson.

I know I have not been the perfect mother, wife, sister, daughter, or friend but i've done my best. I'm confident that the people I love know how I feel about them. I may have been too much of a disciplinarian, or not catered to my husband enough. I didn't always have the patience that was required or keep in touch the way I should have. I'm still a good person, though flawed.

There are just some who feel that the world revolves around them. Some who have an overblown sense of entitlement. I have learned to accept that in some of the people I love and move on. I will not be the receptacle for their narcisstic view of the world. Do you boo, just not on my time.

I have to learn how to just do me. I've battled worried chick syndrome for a long time. At one point I had it under control, but it's coming back. I'm not happy about that at all. I'm missing out. I think, think, think, and by the time i'm done i'm too exhausted to move. It's just in me and I can't shake it.

I'm doing my best. I've learned to try and find that quiet space in my mind when people, places, and things start to get to me. I shall overcome. Life is too damned grand to even think of doing anything else.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 70

Dear Diary,

I'm having a situation. I can't really get into it but I really need an oulet. It's a frustrating time. It's tough when someone else has control of something that is important to you and they use it to their advantage when they really shouldn't.

I try my best to be a kind person. Some people really test you when you're attempting to make a change. I want to explode but I know it will not help the situation. I'm not sure what to do. All I can do at this point is stay prayed up and have faith that things will work out for the best.

I'm being tested right now and I really don't want to fail. I don't want to let myself down or become unworthy of the strength that I have asked the Lord to help me recover and hold on to. I guess weakness leads to anger. I'm in a vulnerable position. If I let my anger get the best of me, I will lose. In my head I know that the best thing to do is to be easy and let things work themselves out. My heart is having a hard time.

People don't always live up to their billing. This situation could be resolved but the person who could make that happen has turned out to be a disappointment. Our relationship will never be the same if I think of the way they let me down so I choose to try and look past it.

I choose to have faith. I've spent a lot of time thinking things into the ground. I can't do that this time. I have to let the waters flow and see where I float. I'm sure i'll end up where i'm suppose to be. It may not be the location of my choice but i'm going to have to live with it.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 69

Dear Diary,

I'm frustrated. I really miss my granddaughter. She lives kind of far away and I don't get to see her as often as I like. It makes me ill. She's been visiting on the weekends but I think her mother is growing tired of coming. Because of breast feeding and pumping issues it's been decided that they should come together until she is at least six months old and not so dependent on breast milk.

Weekends are wonderful. I look forward to seeing my baby girl. She brightens our home and brings life that hasn't been there for a while. My children are grown and have their own lives. We all work and have social lives that didn't lend well to us spending a lot of time together. That's changed a bit now that Lia is here.

My husband and I like to enjoy our weekends. Our enjoyment has changed now that we are grandparents. We'd rather stay home and play with our granddaughter than go out. She is all the enjoyment we need. I would be satisfied just watching her sleep. She's just starting to smile and coo and it's so amazing.

I love being a grandmother. It's so great. I have so much fun with my grandbaby. She has changed my life. I really cannot explain it. I am happier than i've ever been when she visits and just as sad when she leaves. My husband looks at me and shakes his head. He doesn't know I see him staring at her picture and smiling. We both just miss her so much.

I thank God for Lia every day. She is truly a blessing and the gift that keeps on giving.

Until Tomorrow....

Dear Diary 68

Dear Diary,

I've been a grandmother for a little over a month. It is totally amazing! I absolutely adore my granddaughter. She has totally changed my outlook on life. I feel so thankful that God chose to bless us with her life.

The love that fills my heart is something words cannot explain. It's something i've never felt. Once upon a time I thought motherhood was the most beautiful experience a woman could have. Being a grandmother has catpulted me into another atmosphere. I feel like i'm floating on a cloud when I hold my grandbaby in my arms. She looks at me with those big, brown eyes and I melt.

My children are grown. I'd forgotten how wonderful it was to see a baby smile for the first time or how nice it was to have your house filled with that baby smell. It's great! Little Lia has stolen our hearts. I love the way my husband's eyes light up when he sees her. She returns the light when he sings to her. I use to think the songs he made up were silly but now I think they're the cutest thing in the world. She loves it. He calls her Sugar Bear and I think she likes it.

I've always tried to be the best example I could be for my children. My granddaughter has taken me to another level. She makes me want to be a better person. I held her the other day and cried because I felt as though I was holding God's love. I thanked him over and over and prayed that I am worthy of such a blessing. I will do my best to love my granddaughter and ensure that she has the life she deserves.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 67

Dear Diary,

I feel like i've been floating on a cloud since my granddaughter was born. I love her so much. She's the most beautiful baby i've ever seen. Her eyes are really intense. In the words of my grandma Margaret I think she's, "Been here before." When you talk to her she looks into your eyes. I almost feel crazy talking baby talk to her because she seems like such an old soul.

My granddaughter's birth has brought me closer to God. I've been praying more than ever and feeling so thankful that I cannot keep it to myself. The happiness I feel about being a grandmother is spilling over into other parts of my life. My job doesn't even bother me as much. When being there gets on my nerves or my managers come up with some dumb request or new asinine rule, I look at her picture, pinch her cheeks, smile, and move on. It works every time.

There's no way I could look at my granddaughter and not know that God is good. He sent us such a precious blessing. I haven't smiled this much in a long time. Seeing my son with his daughter is a beautiful thing. He's so gentle with her. He loves her so much that he can't contain it. I have no doubt that he will be a wonderful father. His daughter's eyes already light up when she sees him.

I'm very happy to know that my son appreciates the gift he has been given. Being a parent is a huge responsibility. I will do all that I can to help him prepare for the years ahead. His father and I know how it is to be a young parent. It's not easy at all. You need a good support system. We will make sure that he has that. My granddaughter is going to have a good life. She will be surrounded by so much love and her parents will have so much support that there will be no choice.

Life is good.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 66

Dear Diary,

I'm not sure what is going on lately. I've been trying really hard to learn lessons from my mistakes and move on. I've always had a problem with holding grudges and stressing myself out. I can think something so far into the ground, but I never actually bury anything. I don't like it and it's one aspect of my personality that I know is definitely not a plus.

I was doing pretty well. My mind felt clear. Things have happened that could have took up a lot of space in the grudge portion of my being but I let them go. I was actually very proud of myself. It's a constant struggle for me not to take things personally. I also haven't been very forgiving. One day I just realized that there was no way i'd be able to progress if I kept thinking about things that happened in the past. I had to start releasing and letting go.

The first test was finding out my son was going to be a father. He's 19 years old and a sophomore in college. He's been with his girlfriend for two years and i've been fighting to keep them from becoming parents too soon. Normally I would have reacted too fast and worried myself half to death. This time I took a step back and tried to make sure I was in a good place before I said or did anything. I'm glad I did.

I'm moving on with my life and trying to be the best person I can. I'll always be a work in progress but that's okay. Things will happen now and then. It's a part of life. Nothing is perfect. All i'm trying to do is be happy and have good people around me. I'm really not into drama. Those days are behind me, or at least i'd like them to be. My husband's an excellent driver but he always says your skills don't matter if the other people on the road don't know what they're doing.

That's how I feel with the drama that keeps popping up in my life. I was at work Friday, minding my business and trying to get ready for the weekend, when it found me once again. To make a long story short I found out that a family member that I trusted told some lies that ruined a friendship. I noticed that a friend of mine seemed to be kind of distant but I had so many things going on that I didn't have time to ask why. Well, now I know.

It really hurts when you put your trust in someone and find out it's not valued. This had to be another test. I was tempted to go off like I usually do. To say I was pissed would not even begin to describe my emotion. When I say family member, I don't mean some distant cousin. I mean FAMILY member. This is someone I love dearly. My heart was hurting and my head was about to explode.

Instead of blowing up I decided to use my new skills. I took a deep breath and did not call, text, or visit my family member. I called my best friend instead. She talked me through it and let me vent like she always does. I cannot kick this person out of my life. They will always be around. I need to try and figure out how to keep my cool and not let them know that i'm aware of what they're about. I know the story of what they did is a little incomplete but it's just too childish for me to gt into.

The lesson learned from this situation is knowing that I cannot trust someone who is suppose to have my back. It hurts but I will deal with it. I will not withdraw or become guarded. That's the reaction I no longer want to have. Knowing is what's most important. There has to be a reason my eyes are being opened to so many things. I don't know what it is. All I can do is prepare myself and make sure i'm ready for whatever comes.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 65

Dear Diary,

Why do people make it so hard to love them? I never thought being in love was suppose to be easy but I did think it got easier as the years went along. You would think years together and knowledge of one another would aid in the breeziness of being together. I'm finding out that's not true.

I love my husband to death but he likes to yell. It's so annoying. Lately i've really been trying to ignore him and find ways to deal with his behavior that do not involve us getting into an argument. I really don't like to argue. There's really no point in two people screaming at each other and trying to be right. All that does is make things worse and it makes me tired.

I don't see the problem with sitting down and talking things out, or at least trying to act like adults. If you want to be mad do you. Just don't drag me into it. I don't feel like yelling. I've been sick all week and haven't been doing any house work or cooking. All I care about right now is trying to get better. The flu does not allow you to do much anyway.

I've been home for a week and at this point i'm trying to rest up for work on Monday. I'm still not doing anything. Some dishes were left in the sink (that were not mine). The man didn't even say hello when he came home. He went straight to bitching and moaning about it. Annoying! It was all I could do to keep myself from laughing. Why are you so mad about dishes?

Between the coughing and everything else I have going on, I really do not have time to get upset. I came to the laptop and started blogging. If I get into it it may get deeper than it needs to and i'm really not in the mood. I just needed to get it off my system. I'm done.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 64

Dear Diary,

I am so proud of my son. He's more of a man at 18 than a lot of the so-called grown males I know. He is a sophomore in college and does very well in school. He worked at Yankee Stadium the entire season and loved it. How could he not? It's Yankee Stadium.

In the middle of the season, he found out that his girlfriend was pregnant. It was hard for him at first because he knew he wasn't ready to be a daddy, but something changed once he accepted that the child was coming. My baby boy became a man. I saw the change. It was in his posture, in his eyes, in his everything. He knew that he had to man up and that's exactly what he has done.

Baseball season is over and my son already had another job before it ended. He has also saved a pretty penny in preparation for his child's birth. He showed me his bank statement and I was very impressed. I still am. He has impressed me since the day he was born.

There's something about my son. He has such a gentle spirit and quiet nature. You feel comfortable when you're around him. He's always been that way. My boy is strong! I think back to the days when he was a toddler suffering from asthma. For some reason his attacks always came at the strangest hours. His father and I would be in bed sleeping at 4 a.m. and he'd come in the room in his Power Ranger pajamas and calmly let us know that he couldn't breathe. We were always more upset than he was.

My son has always been very active. He has the cuts, bruises, and stitches to prove it. He got hit in the head with a soccer ball when he was eight years old. Blood was gushing from his head and everyone was screaming, crying, and scared but him. He never shed a tear. The doctor could not understand how a kid could sit so calmly while he got staples in his head. I just told him that was his nature.

I feel like my son has always been mature. He has a way of looking at things that wraps them up in a neat, explained, and rational box. When everyone else is panicking he seems to be in a serene space. This will definitely come in handy when his child is born. I have no doubt that my son will be a good father. He's such a good person. My grandchild will be lucky to have him in their life.

Did I want my 18 year old son to be a father? No I did not. I know how hard it is to be a teenage parent. I wanted him to finish college, start his career, and be on his own before he had a child. For some reason God had other plans. The shock I once felt has turned to happiness. I'm planning the baby shower and wondering if i'll have a grand son or daughter. I refuse to do what I usually do and worry the situation into the ground.

It broke my heart when my son had to stop playing basketball for his team because he had to work. I know it is what he loves. I asked him how he felt and he said, "I'm doing what I have to do for my baby." I looked at him and smiled. I felt so much love for him that I thought my heart was going to burst. Well, I feel that way every day. He fills my heart with joy.

I have experience that my son can benefit from. He'll be fine. I know it. I have so much respect for the man he has become. His future is going to be bright because that's what he deserves. His child doesn't know how lucky he/she is.......but I do.
I will support my one and only son and the light of my life 1,000%. I'm doing it for my baby.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 63

Dear Diary,

I'm sitting at my cubicle crying. I've been thinking about my father a lot lately. His birthday is approaching. It's not as hard for me as it once was. It took me a while to be able to think of the good times and not go into a depression around this time of year. I know that he would want me to be strong and I finally feel like I can do that.

I love my father with all of my heart, faults and all. He wasn't perfect. Who is? Does perfection really exist? He was there when he could be. There was a monkey on his back that he had a really hard time shaking. He tried to find the answer to his pain in the bottom of a bottle. I knew that and accepted that he couldn't always be there when he wanted to be. He knew I did not like it when he drank so he only came around when he was sober.

It's crazy how much quality our time together was laced with. We went to Yankee games and talked about life. There are so many of those moments. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if he could have been there all the time. He was an excellent father, even though it was on a part time basis. We were extremely close. I never judged him and always tried to understand him. He's actually the one who taught me to be that way.

I'm not letting my father off the hook. He could have done things a lot differently. He had bouts of sobriety that lasted for years. Those were great times. He was everything a girl could want in a dad. If he could have stayed sober things would have been wonderful. I loved and supported him no matter what.

I found out about my father's death on his birthday. It was the hardest day of my life and I will never forget it. I also won't forget all that my father taught me. I learned so many life lessons from him. There are too many to mention. All I can say is he left a big mark on my life and the way I live. I know he's watching.

I am so glad that I am now able to think of all the good memories when my daddy's birthday comes around. I feel his love enveloping me every day. He's not physically here but his spirit is present in everything that I do. I hope he's proud.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 62

Dear Diary,

I'm going to be a grandmother. My son's girlfriend is five months pregnant. I wasn't that excited about it at first. My son is 18 years old and has a very bright future. He's a sophomore in college with a full academic scholarship. He's also a member of his school's basketball team. His girlfriend is important to him. His family is important to him too. That's nice, but basketball is his first love. I once joked that he was going to turn into a basketball and roll out the door one day.

Anyone who has read either one of my blogs knows that I was a teenage mother. Things did not go that well for me when I told my mother I was pregnant. She thought a lot about herself and what other people would think. Never once did she stop to think about what I was going through or how I felt. My mother reacted with total anger. It was a crazy ordeal.

No matter what anyone said I knew I was keeping my child. My boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband of 20 years, was there with me the entire time. We adopted an us against the world attitude. The three of us became a family after our daughter was born. We made it a point to never have to ask anyone for a thing. Having a child made us both very independent people. I have no regrets.

A child is a blessing. Our daughter was a blessing and so is my grandchild. Did I want my son to be a father at 18? Of course not. Would I have wanted him to have his career and life on track before being responsible for another life? Hell yes! Did I talk to him about sex and being protected? Yes! Do I think any less of the extraordinary person he is because of his situation? No, no, and no again.

There is no doubt in my mind that my son will be a remarkable father. He has such a gentle spirit. Kids flock to him. They know that he is genuine. He took the money he made working at Yankee Stadium and put it in the bank. He began to save as soon as he found out he was going to be a father. I'm proud of him. His bank account is stacked. He's already started being responsible.

My son's choices have forced him to do something I know he didn't want to. He had to quit the basketball team. That hurt me. He took it like a man and moved on because he knew it had to be done. The baby is the first priority in his life now. He knows what he has to do.

Yankee Stadium is not a regular gig so my son had to look for a permanent job. He found one within a couple weeks. It's actually a pretty good gig. He's been sporting an awesome mohawk for months. When he went to orientation for his new job he found out he had to get rid of it. I was upset for him because I know he loved his mohawk. Once again he took it like a man and went to the barber shop and did what had to be done.

I know how it felt when so many people turned on me when I became pregnant. I felt like my mother lead the charge for a long time. Once she realized I was not changing my mind and had gathered a lot of support, she came around. I think it's because she had no choice. My daughter is a wonderful young woman and my mother brags about her all the time. I have to laugh about that from time to time. If she had her wish my daughter would not be here.

I have always tried to learn from my experiences. There is no way I will ever make my son feel the way I did. I was upset at first because I know what it's like to be a parent at a young age. I made it a point not to express that in the wrong way, but I did tell him how I felt. It's frustrating when you talk until you're blue in the face to no avail. I stressed the importance of safe sex, but I also know that kids will not always use the tools you give them. Things happen.

So i'm going to be a grandmother. I've finally accepted that fact and i'm getting excited. A new life will be coming into our family. What once made me frown is now making me smile. I'm planning baby showers and looking forward to the day my grandson or daughter is born. I think my son knows the sex of the child but I have given strict instructions to keep me in the dark. I do not want to know until the baby is born. Family is very important to me.

My son has taken a detour down the road of life, but I have no doubt that he will find his way. I'll be there and ready to do all that I can to help. I'm going to be a grandmother. I haven't really talked about it or told anyone, but I think about it all the time. I wonder what type of grandma I will be and think about all the things i'll do with my grandbaby. It's kind of exciting. We haven't heard the pitter patter of little feet around our place in years. I'm sure that will bring a whole lot of life to the place.

Things are changing so much. That's what life is about. Let's see what happens.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 61

Dear Diary,

I was so aggravated when I left work Wednesday. The things they come up with on my job amaze the hell out of me. I feel like i'm taking a trip to grammar school five days a week. I was so happy that I would be off Thursday because I was on the verge of exploding. I prayed that the day off would help me get myself together so that I would be okay when I went in Friday.

God truly does work in mysterious ways. I got a call from one of my co-workers telling me that they needed someone to work Saturday. If I agreed to work I would be able to take Friday off. This was a wonderful thing! All of the offices are closed on Saturday and only the evening/weekend staff comes in. I wouldn't have to deal with anyone I didn't want to see.

The Lord knew I needed that extra day and I am so thankful. I had time to realize that he is in control and not the people who think they are. I cannot allow a boss with no backbone to upset me. The idiotic policies they come up with make no sense. I know this and i'm not sure why I get upset when they come to us with more stupidity and nonsense.

I have a plan for my life that does not include sitting in a cubicle five days a week. This is just a means to an end. I know the day will come when I will walk out of this place with a smile. I just have to continue to work toward my goals and not allow people without lives to affect mine.

I'm good and thankful.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 60

Dear Diary,

I love my book! This is the third time i'm reading it and the excitement is constantly growing. I actually think about the characters when i'm not reading and that's a good thing. I'm proud of myself. There was a time when I would not have said that because I would have felt like I was bragging. I'm so over that. So what if I am bragging. I wrote a book!

A few months ago I got a few friends and family members together and started a book club. They read a chapter of the book each month and we get together to discuss the characters and content. I chose people I that I knew would be honest with me. I didn't want any sugar coated feedback. I wanted the real deal.

Everyone in the club seems to love the book. They go from heated debates to personal stories that are related to a character or event in the book. It's awesome. It lets me know that those who read my book will feel a connection to what I created. It's such an amazing feeling.

It's such a blessing to have people in my life who support me and are willing to take the time to help me make my dream come true. I have wanted to become a published author for a long time. I'm sure my folks knew I had the talent but wondered if i'd ever get it done. I felt that way as well. I've written poems and short stories over the years but I didn't do anything with them. Most of it is in storage.

One day I looked at some of the poems that I have written over the years. Looking at the dates it's obvious that writing poetry got me through some things. The dates definitely correspond with stuff I was going through. Poetry was my outlet. It helped a lot to sit down and let my anger, hurt, or even happiness flow through my pen.

My husband and I were watching an episode of "The Cleaner" and a young drug addicted dancer had to come to the realization that she would no longer be able to dance. Even though she knew it might kill her, she wanted to continue to dance. I understood how she felt. I'm not sure what I would do if I couldn't write. It's my lifeline.

It feels good to be excited about what's going to happen with my book. There are other aspects of my life that need some work right now. My job is the first thing that comes to mind. I'm so happy to have an outlet that takes my mind off of the way I feel when I am there. I know that my days there are numbered. One way or another I will use the gift the Lord gave me to change my career situation. I can feel it.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 59

Dear Diary,

I'm having a bit of blogger's block and it's really bothering me. There was a time when, second to my book, it was the only thing I thought of in terms of writing. It's something i've wanted to do for a long time. I have no idea why i'm slipping. I need to get on the ball.

I'll get back on the ball. Right now i'm really concentrating on trying to get my book done. It's been about a year since I started writing and the editing process i'm going through right now is much more work than I expected. I've always said that I would not hire anyone to edit my book because I don't want anyone to try and change the focus and intent. It looks like I may not have a choice.

This is the third time i'm reading through the book and i'm still changing things and finding errors. It's actually fun. I still love what I have written. The excitement is still there. I can still visualize the day when I see my book on the shelves. It's going to be amazing.

I still love to blog and hopefully i'll find my love of blogging again. For now i'm going to concentrate on making my dream come true.

Dear Diary 58

LET GO, LET GOD
I release, accept, and receive.


"God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life."--Psalm 54:4

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 57

Dear Diary,

I have really been slacking on my blogging and book editing. I have no idea why or how this happened. There was a time when almost everything I laid eyes on was a blog topic and every waking moment was spent with my book pages and a pen in my hand. My original goal was to have my book published by the end of the year. At this point I don't think that is going to happen.

Today I took a step in toward getting myself back on track. My job gave a course titled, "How to Stay Focused on Your Goals." It was a pretty good course. The instructor was great. Her energy was wonderful and she had some great ideas. By the time the class was over I felt energized all over again.

I felt bad because I saw my so-called deadline slipping away. After class I realized that I never really had one. There were no specifics. "The end of the year" is not good enough. I now have dates in mind that I am determined to stick by, but I also know that I shouldn't down myself if the time comes and i'm not quite ready.

Writing is my passion. I don't want my process to feel like a chore. This is my dream. I definitely don't want to look back after all is said and done and feel like I had a horrible experience. Writing my book was a joy for me. Seeing something I have wanted for so long happen will be the cherry on top of a sundae that's been in the making for years.

I'm looking forward to the day when I can say i'm a published author.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 56

Dear Diary,

It's not easy when a relationship you cherish falls apart. The Lord works in mysterious ways. He puts you in situations that force you to see who people really are and come out of any denial you might be in. Even though you may not realize it at the time, it's a good thing.

This is the situation i'm in. Circumstances have shown me who some people I thought were important to me are all about. After some careful thought I have decided that these people no longer have a place in my life. That's fine with me. I don't have time for dead weight. There's too much in store for me.

I have a problem with worrying. I've gotten a lot better but there have been times when I have thought things so deep into the ground that I stressed myself out. I can't do that anymore. There's no way I can move forward in my life if I am still holding on to the same bad habits. I'm learning to let go. It's not easy but it feels good.

Today I let someone know that I realized their place in my life and have decided to move on without them. It felt great. To be rid of energy that is bringing you down is always a good thing. Toxic relationships can really do a job on a person. I don't need that in my life. I don't need relationships that are not reciprocal. I just can't deal with that anymore.

Changing someone's place in my life doesn't mean I love them any less. It just means I have to love them from a distance. I'm doing all that I can to keep my heart healthy. It looks like that doesn't include people I would have loved to be a part of my life. I have to let go.

Someone emailed me this quote today and it really fits:

"Letting go of your old self and the process of letting the new you emerge can be one of the scariest experiences in your life. But by leaving behind your old self and taking a leap of faith into the unknown, it might just reveal what you are truly capable of becoming."

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 55

Dear Diary,

I wonder why things never really seem to work out 100% for me. Whenever I think i'm getting ahead of the game something happens to set me back. I know that I'm not a victim and God has a plan for us all. I get that. I don't want to seem ungrateful because I know that things could be much worse. I feel like i'm being prepared for a blessing. That has to be it.

I've always felt like I was being prepared for something. I guess i'm just impatient. How long does the preparation have to last? It would be nice to have peace of mind on a constant basis. I've been doing all that I can to be the best me possible. I've taken a journey of self and it has been very educational. I've learned a lot about myself. I'm so glad that I chose to look into who I really am and make the effort to be me and not who I wanted others to think I was.

Lately situation after situation have been popping up. It almost feels like I can't get it together. All I can do is pray and hope that God will give me the strength to handle what I need to handle. I have to take it all one day at a time. I don't want to become overwhelmed. I'm a strong black woman but there are times when it all becomes too much. I've learned to just take a breath and move on. It doesn't always work, but it helps.

In Jer 1:5, God says “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you.” I know he has a plan for me. I just wonder when it will come to fruition. I don't want to seem ungrateful or impatient with God. I just want to take a step forward without taking three back.

I know that you cannot have a testimony without a test but i'm growing a little weary. I'm not a selfish person. Lately I have just felt conflicted. I have a lot of faith in God and know that he has my best interest at heart. I'm just a little tired. I know that no one can live a perfect life and that's not what I want. I just want a little time to catch my breath.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 54

Dear Diary,

Time....

I've looked back and forth up and down the timeline of my life and it's been pretty good. Things haven't always gone the way I would like but I still can't complain. There are so many people who would like to be in my shoes and have the "problems" I think I have. There was a time when I did a lot of complaining but I have come to realize that complaining only forces you to stay in the same position.

Action....

Bitching and moaning about job, finances, or whatever else you're letting get you down is a waste of time. You have to get up, get out, and make things happen for yourself. It's not always easy. I have let life get me down in the past and didn't realize that I was holding myself back. I'm learning to get in the game and not be a spectator. It's important.

Faith....

Isaiah 40:31. But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run , and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

A friend emailed this scripture to me. It's something I needed to hear. The words were perfect and right on time, just like God seems to be for me. A few things have happened to me recently that would have affected me in the past. I knew I was growing when I was able to keep the faith and move on. I prayed for the strength that I knew God was going to give me and went on with the business of living. It felt good. Life is going to keep throwing me curve balls and i'm glad that I am learning that I don't always have to dodge them. I can face them head on and know that my faith in God will pull me through.

Strength

I named this blog after the person I was aspiring to be. I started down a path and wasn't sure where it would lead. I just knew I had to find my way because I wasn't happy with the way my life was going. Changes needed to be made. I had to woman up and get it together. Looking in the mirror and telling myself there had to be more was getting to be tiring. I am very proud of the woman I am today. She has done, and will continue to do, what she needs to do to be that strong black woman. The journey never ends. Things are constantly changing. There was a time when I was scared of that change, but that's all in the past. I love me.

Affirmation

I am good enough. I am strong enough. It is my time. Those who cannot get with it will not be invited on my journey. I am that strong black woman.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 53

Dear Diary,

Things with my book are really moving along. I'll be having another book club meeting this month and i'm really looking forward to it. The people I chose to be a part of my journey are really serious about helping me achieve my goal. That means a lot to me.

The cousin of one of the book club members actually knows someone in publishing. She has already told her about me and given me her contact information. I was extremely touched by this. This is not someone I have a lot of contact with. She's just a woman who wants me to succeed. I appreciate it more than I can tell her.

I'm very lucky to have people in my life who genuinely want me to succeed. They don't only want me to succeed because they love and care for me, they actually believe in my talent. That feels great.

I am so glad that I finally decided to share my gift with the world. Blogging was a huge step for me, and something that I have wanted to do for a long time. I don't have the most popular blogs, but I am thankful for the people who take the time to read my thoughts and leave a comment now and then. I have also made some good blog friends whose support I deeply appreciate.

Never once have I taken for granted how blessed I am to know what my gift is. I've just been a little hesitant to share it. Those days are definitely over. I'm proud of myself. I wrote a book! Each day I feel better about what I have done.

I pray that I will have my book on the shelvesby the end of the year. It felt wonderful when I wrote the last word. Imagine how it's going to feel when I see it in print.

Until tomorrow....