Diary of a Strong Black Woman

Dear Diary 72

2010-11-23T09:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I haven't blogged in so long and I don't know why. It's like every time I think about it I get sidetracked. It's beginning to bother me, like i'm neglecting my child or something. I have got to do better.

There's been a lot going on in my life lately, but at the same time nothing has really changed. There are still times when I feel that I am not doing enough with my life. I have a feeling i'll always feel that way because i'm my toughest critic. I really need to learn to stop being so hard on myself.

My book is coming along but I feel like a deer in headlights when it comes to the publishing game. It's so much work. I've read articles and books that are suppose to help me decide how to maneuver the whole thing, but all that's doing is causing more confusion. I've reached out to a few of the authors i've come in contact with, but so far they've only wanted to help up to a certain point. It's like a magician who doesn't want to reveal how the trick is done because he's scared it'll be done better.

Sometimes I feel like something is missing. I'm not quite sure what it is. When I start feeling like it's not all there, I think of my little Lia. She is the shining light of my life. All I have to do is picture her pretty little face in my head and I feel better. I love being a grandmother. It has changed me. She has changed me. It's wonderful. I love playing with her and taking care of her.

Lia is so awesome! She's a little person now. The baby is gone. It's so much fun to see her discovering, and doing, new things. We went to lunch Saturday and she sat at the table for the first time. Her eyes lit up and you could tell she felt like a big girl. It was so cute! I wish I could have that light in my eyes each day. Well, I guess I can't say that because it's there whenever she's around.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 71

2010-07-09T11:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Ain't life grand? You have to get with it. There is absolutely no choice. Even when you don't feel like making that lemonade. Most of the time I feel like taking those lemons and throwing them back at the universe, but it's just not a option. I have to keep on moving.

Sometimes I wish things were always easy. I have to keep reminding myself that there is no testimony without a test. Life has to be about learning from your mistakes and Lord knows i've made a lot of them. Some I didn't even know about. I thought I was doing a pretty good job and found out that I sucked. LOL! It hurt me to the core but I learned a valuable lesson.

I know I have not been the perfect mother, wife, sister, daughter, or friend but i've done my best. I'm confident that the people I love know how I feel about them. I may have been too much of a disciplinarian, or not catered to my husband enough. I didn't always have the patience that was required or keep in touch the way I should have. I'm still a good person, though flawed.

There are just some who feel that the world revolves around them. Some who have an overblown sense of entitlement. I have learned to accept that in some of the people I love and move on. I will not be the receptacle for their narcisstic view of the world. Do you boo, just not on my time.

I have to learn how to just do me. I've battled worried chick syndrome for a long time. At one point I had it under control, but it's coming back. I'm not happy about that at all. I'm missing out. I think, think, think, and by the time i'm done i'm too exhausted to move. It's just in me and I can't shake it.

I'm doing my best. I've learned to try and find that quiet space in my mind when people, places, and things start to get to me. I shall overcome. Life is too damned grand to even think of doing anything else.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 70

2010-05-03T19:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I'm having a situation. I can't really get into it but I really need an oulet. It's a frustrating time. It's tough when someone else has control of something that is important to you and they use it to their advantage when they really shouldn't.

I try my best to be a kind person. Some people really test you when you're attempting to make a change. I want to explode but I know it will not help the situation. I'm not sure what to do. All I can do at this point is stay prayed up and have faith that things will work out for the best.

I'm being tested right now and I really don't want to fail. I don't want to let myself down or become unworthy of the strength that I have asked the Lord to help me recover and hold on to. I guess weakness leads to anger. I'm in a vulnerable position. If I let my anger get the best of me, I will lose. In my head I know that the best thing to do is to be easy and let things work themselves out. My heart is having a hard time.

People don't always live up to their billing. This situation could be resolved but the person who could make that happen has turned out to be a disappointment. Our relationship will never be the same if I think of the way they let me down so I choose to try and look past it.

I choose to have faith. I've spent a lot of time thinking things into the ground. I can't do that this time. I have to let the waters flow and see where I float. I'm sure i'll end up where i'm suppose to be. It may not be the location of my choice but i'm going to have to live with it.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 69

2010-04-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I'm frustrated. I really miss my granddaughter. She lives kind of far away and I don't get to see her as often as I like. It makes me ill. She's been visiting on the weekends but I think her mother is growing tired of coming. Because of breast feeding and pumping issues it's been decided that they should come together until she is at least six months old and not so dependent on breast milk.

Weekends are wonderful. I look forward to seeing my baby girl. She brightens our home and brings life that hasn't been there for a while. My children are grown and have their own lives. We all work and have social lives that didn't lend well to us spending a lot of time together. That's changed a bit now that Lia is here.

My husband and I like to enjoy our weekends. Our enjoyment has changed now that we are grandparents. We'd rather stay home and play with our granddaughter than go out. She is all the enjoyment we need. I would be satisfied just watching her sleep. She's just starting to smile and coo and it's so amazing.

I love being a grandmother. It's so great. I have so much fun with my grandbaby. She has changed my life. I really cannot explain it. I am happier than i've ever been when she visits and just as sad when she leaves. My husband looks at me and shakes his head. He doesn't know I see him staring at her picture and smiling. We both just miss her so much.

I thank God for Lia every day. She is truly a blessing and the gift that keeps on giving.

Until Tomorrow....

Dear Diary 68

2010-03-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I've been a grandmother for a little over a month. It is totally amazing! I absolutely adore my granddaughter. She has totally changed my outlook on life. I feel so thankful that God chose to bless us with her life.

The love that fills my heart is something words cannot explain. It's something i've never felt. Once upon a time I thought motherhood was the most beautiful experience a woman could have. Being a grandmother has catpulted me into another atmosphere. I feel like i'm floating on a cloud when I hold my grandbaby in my arms. She looks at me with those big, brown eyes and I melt.

My children are grown. I'd forgotten how wonderful it was to see a baby smile for the first time or how nice it was to have your house filled with that baby smell. It's great! Little Lia has stolen our hearts. I love the way my husband's eyes light up when he sees her. She returns the light when he sings to her. I use to think the songs he made up were silly but now I think they're the cutest thing in the world. She loves it. He calls her Sugar Bear and I think she likes it.

I've always tried to be the best example I could be for my children. My granddaughter has taken me to another level. She makes me want to be a better person. I held her the other day and cried because I felt as though I was holding God's love. I thanked him over and over and prayed that I am worthy of such a blessing. I will do my best to love my granddaughter and ensure that she has the life she deserves.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 67

2010-03-03T12:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I feel like i've been floating on a cloud since my granddaughter was born. I love her so much. She's the most beautiful baby i've ever seen. Her eyes are really intense. In the words of my grandma Margaret I think she's, "Been here before." When you talk to her she looks into your eyes. I almost feel crazy talking baby talk to her because she seems like such an old soul.

My granddaughter's birth has brought me closer to God. I've been praying more than ever and feeling so thankful that I cannot keep it to myself. The happiness I feel about being a grandmother is spilling over into other parts of my life. My job doesn't even bother me as much. When being there gets on my nerves or my managers come up with some dumb request or new asinine rule, I look at her picture, pinch her cheeks, smile, and move on. It works every time.

There's no way I could look at my granddaughter and not know that God is good. He sent us such a precious blessing. I haven't smiled this much in a long time. Seeing my son with his daughter is a beautiful thing. He's so gentle with her. He loves her so much that he can't contain it. I have no doubt that he will be a wonderful father. His daughter's eyes already light up when she sees him.

I'm very happy to know that my son appreciates the gift he has been given. Being a parent is a huge responsibility. I will do all that I can to help him prepare for the years ahead. His father and I know how it is to be a young parent. It's not easy at all. You need a good support system. We will make sure that he has that. My granddaughter is going to have a good life. She will be surrounded by so much love and her parents will have so much support that there will be no choice.

Life is good.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 66

2010-01-11T08:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I'm not sure what is going on lately. I've been trying really hard to learn lessons from my mistakes and move on. I've always had a problem with holding grudges and stressing myself out. I can think something so far into the ground, but I never actually bury anything. I don't like it and it's one aspect of my personality that I know is definitely not a plus.

I was doing pretty well. My mind felt clear. Things have happened that could have took up a lot of space in the grudge portion of my being but I let them go. I was actually very proud of myself. It's a constant struggle for me not to take things personally. I also haven't been very forgiving. One day I just realized that there was no way i'd be able to progress if I kept thinking about things that happened in the past. I had to start releasing and letting go.

The first test was finding out my son was going to be a father. He's 19 years old and a sophomore in college. He's been with his girlfriend for two years and i've been fighting to keep them from becoming parents too soon. Normally I would have reacted too fast and worried myself half to death. This time I took a step back and tried to make sure I was in a good place before I said or did anything. I'm glad I did.

I'm moving on with my life and trying to be the best person I can. I'll always be a work in progress but that's okay. Things will happen now and then. It's a part of life. Nothing is perfect. All i'm trying to do is be happy and have good people around me. I'm really not into drama. Those days are behind me, or at least i'd like them to be. My husband's an excellent driver but he always says your skills don't matter if the other people on the road don't know what they're doing.

That's how I feel with the drama that keeps popping up in my life. I was at work Friday, minding my business and trying to get ready for the weekend, when it found me once again. To make a long story short I found out that a family member that I trusted told some lies that ruined a friendship. I noticed that a friend of mine seemed to be kind of distant but I had so many things going on that I didn't have time to ask why. Well, now I know.

It really hurts when you put your trust in someone and find out it's not valued. This had to be another test. I was tempted to go off like I usually do. To say I was pissed would not even begin to describe my emotion. When I say family member, I don't mean some distant cousin. I mean FAMILY member. This is someone I love dearly. My heart was hurting and my head was about to explode.

Instead of blowing up I decided to use my new skills. I took a deep breath and did not call, text, or visit my family member. I called my best friend instead. She talked me through it and let me vent like she always does. I cannot kick this person out of my life. They will always be around. I need to try and figure out how to keep my cool and not let them know that i'm aware of what they're about. I know the story of what they did is a little incomplete but it's just too childish for me to gt into.

The lesson learned from this situation is knowing that I cannot trust someone who is suppose to have my back. It hurts but I will deal with it. I will not withdraw or become guarded. That's the reaction I no longer want to have. Knowing is what's most important. There has to be a reason my eyes are being opened to so many things. I don't know what it is. All I can do is prepare myself and make sure i'm ready for whatever comes.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 65

2009-12-12T15:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Why do people make it so hard to love them? I never thought being in love was suppose to be easy but I did think it got easier as the years went along. You would think years together and knowledge of one another would aid in the breeziness of being together. I'm finding out that's not true.

I love my husband to death but he likes to yell. It's so annoying. Lately i've really been trying to ignore him and find ways to deal with his behavior that do not involve us getting into an argument. I really don't like to argue. There's really no point in two people screaming at each other and trying to be right. All that does is make things worse and it makes me tired.

I don't see the problem with sitting down and talking things out, or at least trying to act like adults. If you want to be mad do you. Just don't drag me into it. I don't feel like yelling. I've been sick all week and haven't been doing any house work or cooking. All I care about right now is trying to get better. The flu does not allow you to do much anyway.

I've been home for a week and at this point i'm trying to rest up for work on Monday. I'm still not doing anything. Some dishes were left in the sink (that were not mine). The man didn't even say hello when he came home. He went straight to bitching and moaning about it. Annoying! It was all I could do to keep myself from laughing. Why are you so mad about dishes?

Between the coughing and everything else I have going on, I really do not have time to get upset. I came to the laptop and started blogging. If I get into it it may get deeper than it needs to and i'm really not in the mood. I just needed to get it off my system. I'm done.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 64

2009-11-15T13:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I am so proud of my son. He's more of a man at 18 than a lot of the so-called grown males I know. He is a sophomore in college and does very well in school. He worked at Yankee Stadium the entire season and loved it. How could he not? It's Yankee Stadium.

In the middle of the season, he found out that his girlfriend was pregnant. It was hard for him at first because he knew he wasn't ready to be a daddy, but something changed once he accepted that the child was coming. My baby boy became a man. I saw the change. It was in his posture, in his eyes, in his everything. He knew that he had to man up and that's exactly what he has done.

Baseball season is over and my son already had another job before it ended. He has also saved a pretty penny in preparation for his child's birth. He showed me his bank statement and I was very impressed. I still am. He has impressed me since the day he was born.

There's something about my son. He has such a gentle spirit and quiet nature. You feel comfortable when you're around him. He's always been that way. My boy is strong! I think back to the days when he was a toddler suffering from asthma. For some reason his attacks always came at the strangest hours. His father and I would be in bed sleeping at 4 a.m. and he'd come in the room in his Power Ranger pajamas and calmly let us know that he couldn't breathe. We were always more upset than he was.

My son has always been very active. He has the cuts, bruises, and stitches to prove it. He got hit in the head with a soccer ball when he was eight years old. Blood was gushing from his head and everyone was screaming, crying, and scared but him. He never shed a tear. The doctor could not understand how a kid could sit so calmly while he got staples in his head. I just told him that was his nature.

I feel like my son has always been mature. He has a way of looking at things that wraps them up in a neat, explained, and rational box. When everyone else is panicking he seems to be in a serene space. This will definitely come in handy when his child is born. I have no doubt that my son will be a good father. He's such a good person. My grandchild will be lucky to have him in their life.

Did I want my 18 year old son to be a father? No I did not. I know how hard it is to be a teenage parent. I wanted him to finish college, start his career, and be on his own before he had a child. For some reason God had other plans. The shock I once felt has turned to happiness. I'm planning the baby shower and wondering if i'll have a grand son or daughter. I refuse to do what I usually do and worry the situation into the ground.

It broke my heart when my son had to stop playing basketball for his team because he had to work. I know it is what he loves. I asked him how he felt and he said, "I'm doing what I have to do for my baby." I looked at him and smiled. I felt so much love for him that I thought my heart was going to burst. Well, I feel that way every day. He fills my heart with joy.

I have experience that my son can benefit from. He'll be fine. I know it. I have so much respect for the man he has become. His future is going to be bright because that's what he deserves. His child doesn't know how lucky he/she is.......but I do.
I will support my one and only son and the light of my life 1,000%. I'm doing it for my baby.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 63

2009-11-12T07:13:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary,

I'm sitting at my cubicle crying. I've been thinking about my father a lot lately. His birthday is approaching. It's not as hard for me as it once was. It took me a while to be able to think of the good times and not go into a depression around this time of year. I know that he would want me to be strong and I finally feel like I can do that.

I love my father with all of my heart, faults and all. He wasn't perfect. Who is? Does perfection really exist? He was there when he could be. There was a monkey on his back that he had a really hard time shaking. He tried to find the answer to his pain in the bottom of a bottle. I knew that and accepted that he couldn't always be there when he wanted to be. He knew I did not like it when he drank so he only came around when he was sober.

It's crazy how much quality our time together was laced with. We went to Yankee games and talked about life. There are so many of those moments. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if he could have been there all the time. He was an excellent father, even though it was on a part time basis. We were extremely close. I never judged him and always tried to understand him. He's actually the one who taught me to be that way.

I'm not letting my father off the hook. He could have done things a lot differently. He had bouts of sobriety that lasted for years. Those were great times. He was everything a girl could want in a dad. If he could have stayed sober things would have been wonderful. I loved and supported him no matter what.

I found out about my father's death on his birthday. It was the hardest day of my life and I will never forget it. I also won't forget all that my father taught me. I learned so many life lessons from him. There are too many to mention. All I can say is he left a big mark on my life and the way I live. I know he's watching.

I am so glad that I am now able to think of all the good memories when my daddy's birthday comes around. I feel his love enveloping me every day. He's not physically here but his spirit is present in everything that I do. I hope he's proud.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 62

2009-10-28T12:05:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

I'm going to be a grandmother. My son's girlfriend is five months pregnant. I wasn't that excited about it at first. My son is 18 years old and has a very bright future. He's a sophomore in college with a full academic scholarship. He's also a member of his school's basketball team. His girlfriend is important to him. His family is important to him too. That's nice, but basketball is his first love. I once joked that he was going to turn into a basketball and roll out the door one day.

Anyone who has read either one of my blogs knows that I was a teenage mother. Things did not go that well for me when I told my mother I was pregnant. She thought a lot about herself and what other people would think. Never once did she stop to think about what I was going through or how I felt. My mother reacted with total anger. It was a crazy ordeal.

No matter what anyone said I knew I was keeping my child. My boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband of 20 years, was there with me the entire time. We adopted an us against the world attitude. The three of us became a family after our daughter was born. We made it a point to never have to ask anyone for a thing. Having a child made us both very independent people. I have no regrets.

A child is a blessing. Our daughter was a blessing and so is my grandchild. Did I want my son to be a father at 18? Of course not. Would I have wanted him to have his career and life on track before being responsible for another life? Hell yes! Did I talk to him about sex and being protected? Yes! Do I think any less of the extraordinary person he is because of his situation? No, no, and no again.

There is no doubt in my mind that my son will be a remarkable father. He has such a gentle spirit. Kids flock to him. They know that he is genuine. He took the money he made working at Yankee Stadium and put it in the bank. He began to save as soon as he found out he was going to be a father. I'm proud of him. His bank account is stacked. He's already started being responsible.

My son's choices have forced him to do something I know he didn't want to. He had to quit the basketball team. That hurt me. He took it like a man and moved on because he knew it had to be done. The baby is the first priority in his life now. He knows what he has to do.

Yankee Stadium is not a regular gig so my son had to look for a permanent job. He found one within a couple weeks. It's actually a pretty good gig. He's been sporting an awesome mohawk for months. When he went to orientation for his new job he found out he had to get rid of it. I was upset for him because I know he loved his mohawk. Once again he took it like a man and went to the barber shop and did what had to be done.

I know how it felt when so many people turned on me when I became pregnant. I felt like my mother lead the charge for a long time. Once she realized I was not changing my mind and had gathered a lot of support, she came around. I think it's because she had no choice. My daughter is a wonderful young woman and my mother brags about her all the time. I have to laugh about that from time to time. If she had her wish my daughter would not be here.

I have always tried to learn from my experiences. There is no way I will ever make my son feel the way I did. I was upset at first because I know what it's like to be a parent at a young age. I made it a point not to express that in the wrong way, but I did tell him how I felt. It's frustrating when you talk until you're blue in the face to no avail. I stressed the importance of safe sex, but I also know that kids will not always use the tools you give them. Things happen.

So i'm going to be a grandmother. I've finally accepted that fact and i'm getting excited. A new life will be coming into our family. What once made me frown is now making me smile. I'm planning baby showers and looking forward to the day my grandson or daughter is born. I think my son knows the sex of the child but I have given strict instructions to keep me in the dark. I do not want to know until the baby is born. Family is very important to me.

My son has taken a detour down the road of life, but I have no doubt that he will find his way. I'll be there and ready to do all that I can to help. I'm going to be a grandmother. I haven't really talked about it or told anyone, but I think about it all the time. I wonder what type of grandma I will be and think about all the things i'll do with my grandbaby. It's kind of exciting. We haven't heard the pitter patter of little feet around our place in years. I'm sure that will bring a whole lot of life to the place.

Things are changing so much. That's what life is about. Let's see what happens.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 61

2009-09-19T09:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I was so aggravated when I left work Wednesday. The things they come up with on my job amaze the hell out of me. I feel like i'm taking a trip to grammar school five days a week. I was so happy that I would be off Thursday because I was on the verge of exploding. I prayed that the day off would help me get myself together so that I would be okay when I went in Friday.

God truly does work in mysterious ways. I got a call from one of my co-workers telling me that they needed someone to work Saturday. If I agreed to work I would be able to take Friday off. This was a wonderful thing! All of the offices are closed on Saturday and only the evening/weekend staff comes in. I wouldn't have to deal with anyone I didn't want to see.

The Lord knew I needed that extra day and I am so thankful. I had time to realize that he is in control and not the people who think they are. I cannot allow a boss with no backbone to upset me. The idiotic policies they come up with make no sense. I know this and i'm not sure why I get upset when they come to us with more stupidity and nonsense.

I have a plan for my life that does not include sitting in a cubicle five days a week. This is just a means to an end. I know the day will come when I will walk out of this place with a smile. I just have to continue to work toward my goals and not allow people without lives to affect mine.

I'm good and thankful.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 60

2009-09-09T10:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I love my book! This is the third time i'm reading it and the excitement is constantly growing. I actually think about the characters when i'm not reading and that's a good thing. I'm proud of myself. There was a time when I would not have said that because I would have felt like I was bragging. I'm so over that. So what if I am bragging. I wrote a book!

A few months ago I got a few friends and family members together and started a book club. They read a chapter of the book each month and we get together to discuss the characters and content. I chose people I that I knew would be honest with me. I didn't want any sugar coated feedback. I wanted the real deal.

Everyone in the club seems to love the book. They go from heated debates to personal stories that are related to a character or event in the book. It's awesome. It lets me know that those who read my book will feel a connection to what I created. It's such an amazing feeling.

It's such a blessing to have people in my life who support me and are willing to take the time to help me make my dream come true. I have wanted to become a published author for a long time. I'm sure my folks knew I had the talent but wondered if i'd ever get it done. I felt that way as well. I've written poems and short stories over the years but I didn't do anything with them. Most of it is in storage.

One day I looked at some of the poems that I have written over the years. Looking at the dates it's obvious that writing poetry got me through some things. The dates definitely correspond with stuff I was going through. Poetry was my outlet. It helped a lot to sit down and let my anger, hurt, or even happiness flow through my pen.

My husband and I were watching an episode of "The Cleaner" and a young drug addicted dancer had to come to the realization that she would no longer be able to dance. Even though she knew it might kill her, she wanted to continue to dance. I understood how she felt. I'm not sure what I would do if I couldn't write. It's my lifeline.

It feels good to be excited about what's going to happen with my book. There are other aspects of my life that need some work right now. My job is the first thing that comes to mind. I'm so happy to have an outlet that takes my mind off of the way I feel when I am there. I know that my days there are numbered. One way or another I will use the gift the Lord gave me to change my career situation. I can feel it.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 59

2009-09-03T11:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I'm having a bit of blogger's block and it's really bothering me. There was a time when, second to my book, it was the only thing I thought of in terms of writing. It's something i've wanted to do for a long time. I have no idea why i'm slipping. I need to get on the ball.

I'll get back on the ball. Right now i'm really concentrating on trying to get my book done. It's been about a year since I started writing and the editing process i'm going through right now is much more work than I expected. I've always said that I would not hire anyone to edit my book because I don't want anyone to try and change the focus and intent. It looks like I may not have a choice.

This is the third time i'm reading through the book and i'm still changing things and finding errors. It's actually fun. I still love what I have written. The excitement is still there. I can still visualize the day when I see my book on the shelves. It's going to be amazing.

I still love to blog and hopefully i'll find my love of blogging again. For now i'm going to concentrate on making my dream come true.

Dear Diary 58

2009-08-19T10:30:00.000-07:00

LET GO, LET GOD
I release, accept, and receive.

"God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life."--Psalm 54:4

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 57

2009-08-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I have really been slacking on my blogging and book editing. I have no idea why or how this happened. There was a time when almost everything I laid eyes on was a blog topic and every waking moment was spent with my book pages and a pen in my hand. My original goal was to have my book published by the end of the year. At this point I don't think that is going to happen.

Today I took a step in toward getting myself back on track. My job gave a course titled, "How to Stay Focused on Your Goals." It was a pretty good course. The instructor was great. Her energy was wonderful and she had some great ideas. By the time the class was over I felt energized all over again.

I felt bad because I saw my so-called deadline slipping away. After class I realized that I never really had one. There were no specifics. "The end of the year" is not good enough. I now have dates in mind that I am determined to stick by, but I also know that I shouldn't down myself if the time comes and i'm not quite ready.

Writing is my passion. I don't want my process to feel like a chore. This is my dream. I definitely don't want to look back after all is said and done and feel like I had a horrible experience. Writing my book was a joy for me. Seeing something I have wanted for so long happen will be the cherry on top of a sundae that's been in the making for years.

I'm looking forward to the day when I can say i'm a published author.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 56

2009-07-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

It's not easy when a relationship you cherish falls apart. The Lord works in mysterious ways. He puts you in situations that force you to see who people really are and come out of any denial you might be in. Even though you may not realize it at the time, it's a good thing.

This is the situation i'm in. Circumstances have shown me who some people I thought were important to me are all about. After some careful thought I have decided that these people no longer have a place in my life. That's fine with me. I don't have time for dead weight. There's too much in store for me.

I have a problem with worrying. I've gotten a lot better but there have been times when I have thought things so deep into the ground that I stressed myself out. I can't do that anymore. There's no way I can move forward in my life if I am still holding on to the same bad habits. I'm learning to let go. It's not easy but it feels good.

Today I let someone know that I realized their place in my life and have decided to move on without them. It felt great. To be rid of energy that is bringing you down is always a good thing. Toxic relationships can really do a job on a person. I don't need that in my life. I don't need relationships that are not reciprocal. I just can't deal with that anymore.

Changing someone's place in my life doesn't mean I love them any less. It just means I have to love them from a distance. I'm doing all that I can to keep my heart healthy. It looks like that doesn't include people I would have loved to be a part of my life. I have to let go.

Someone emailed me this quote today and it really fits:

"Letting go of your old self and the process of letting the new you emerge can be one of the scariest experiences in your life. But by leaving behind your old self and taking a leap of faith into the unknown, it might just reveal what you are truly capable of becoming."

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 55

2009-07-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I wonder why things never really seem to work out 100% for me. Whenever I think i'm getting ahead of the game something happens to set me back. I know that I'm not a victim and God has a plan for us all. I get that. I don't want to seem ungrateful because I know that things could be much worse. I feel like i'm being prepared for a blessing. That has to be it.

I've always felt like I was being prepared for something. I guess i'm just impatient. How long does the preparation have to last? It would be nice to have peace of mind on a constant basis. I've been doing all that I can to be the best me possible. I've taken a journey of self and it has been very educational. I've learned a lot about myself. I'm so glad that I chose to look into who I really am and make the effort to be me and not who I wanted others to think I was.

Lately situation after situation have been popping up. It almost feels like I can't get it together. All I can do is pray and hope that God will give me the strength to handle what I need to handle. I have to take it all one day at a time. I don't want to become overwhelmed. I'm a strong black woman but there are times when it all becomes too much. I've learned to just take a breath and move on. It doesn't always work, but it helps.

In Jer 1:5, God says “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you.” I know he has a plan for me. I just wonder when it will come to fruition. I don't want to seem ungrateful or impatient with God. I just want to take a step forward without taking three back.

I know that you cannot have a testimony without a test but i'm growing a little weary. I'm not a selfish person. Lately I have just felt conflicted. I have a lot of faith in God and know that he has my best interest at heart. I'm just a little tired. I know that no one can live a perfect life and that's not what I want. I just want a little time to catch my breath.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 54

2009-06-23T13:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Time....

I've looked back and forth up and down the timeline of my life and it's been pretty good. Things haven't always gone the way I would like but I still can't complain. There are so many people who would like to be in my shoes and have the "problems" I think I have. There was a time when I did a lot of complaining but I have come to realize that complaining only forces you to stay in the same position.

Action....

Bitching and moaning about job, finances, or whatever else you're letting get you down is a waste of time. You have to get up, get out, and make things happen for yourself. It's not always easy. I have let life get me down in the past and didn't realize that I was holding myself back. I'm learning to get in the game and not be a spectator. It's important.

Faith....

Isaiah 40:31. But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run , and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

A friend emailed this scripture to me. It's something I needed to hear. The words were perfect and right on time, just like God seems to be for me. A few things have happened to me recently that would have affected me in the past. I knew I was growing when I was able to keep the faith and move on. I prayed for the strength that I knew God was going to give me and went on with the business of living. It felt good. Life is going to keep throwing me curve balls and i'm glad that I am learning that I don't always have to dodge them. I can face them head on and know that my faith in God will pull me through.

Strength

I named this blog after the person I was aspiring to be. I started down a path and wasn't sure where it would lead. I just knew I had to find my way because I wasn't happy with the way my life was going. Changes needed to be made. I had to woman up and get it together. Looking in the mirror and telling myself there had to be more was getting to be tiring. I am very proud of the woman I am today. She has done, and will continue to do, what she needs to do to be that strong black woman. The journey never ends. Things are constantly changing. There was a time when I was scared of that change, but that's all in the past. I love me.

Affirmation

I am good enough. I am strong enough. It is my time. Those who cannot get with it will not be invited on my journey. I am that strong black woman.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 53

2009-06-17T05:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Things with my book are really moving along. I'll be having another book club meeting this month and i'm really looking forward to it. The people I chose to be a part of my journey are really serious about helping me achieve my goal. That means a lot to me.

The cousin of one of the book club members actually knows someone in publishing. She has already told her about me and given me her contact information. I was extremely touched by this. This is not someone I have a lot of contact with. She's just a woman who wants me to succeed. I appreciate it more than I can tell her.

I'm very lucky to have people in my life who genuinely want me to succeed. They don't only want me to succeed because they love and care for me, they actually believe in my talent. That feels great.

I am so glad that I finally decided to share my gift with the world. Blogging was a huge step for me, and something that I have wanted to do for a long time. I don't have the most popular blogs, but I am thankful for the people who take the time to read my thoughts and leave a comment now and then. I have also made some good blog friends whose support I deeply appreciate.

Never once have I taken for granted how blessed I am to know what my gift is. I've just been a little hesitant to share it. Those days are definitely over. I'm proud of myself. I wrote a book! Each day I feel better about what I have done.

I pray that I will have my book on the shelvesby the end of the year. It felt wonderful when I wrote the last word. Imagine how it's going to feel when I see it in print.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 52

2009-06-02T05:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I woke up before my alarm clock went off this morning. My husband and I use the alarm on my cell phone because it's really loud. I wasn't ready to get up, so I laid in bed and said a prayer. When I was done I began to think of my father. I often feel like he is with me and it gives me comfort. That is what he did for me when he was alive so there's no reason it should change.

As I laid in bed I said, "If you're here daddy, give me a sign." As soon as the thought left my head my alarm clock went off and said, "Hello Moto," like it does every morning. I took that as a sign that my daddy was around me. It may sound funny, and it might not even be true, but that's what it meant to me.

I told my co-worker about what happened and she said I miss my dad so much that i'm grasping at straws because my alarm clock goes off at the same time each day. She can have her opinion. I still believe he was letting me know he was there. I had no idea what time it was and was not expecting the alarm. My daddy was saying hello to me. I don't care what anyone says.

Yes, I may believe it because that's what I want. So what. I really wish my father was here. There's so much I would love to talk to him about. I still talk to him and often make decisions based on the advice I think he would give me, but it would be so much better if I could actually converse with him. I know that's not going to happen so when I ask for a sign and my alarm says, "Hello," i'm going to say it was my daddy.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 51

2009-05-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I had a rough day at work today. I wasn't in a great mood when I got up and as soon as I got to work I knew why. My feelings are never wrong. I can sense when something is not going to work out and I had a feeling I was in for some bull.

The good news is that I have learned not to let things get me down or take me out of my character. Yesterday I kept saying, "Nobody's going to steal my joy." I don't know where it came from. I guess I was putting the thought in my head to prepare myself for what was to come. When things started to bother me, I continued to say it in my head. I got through the day and i'm feeling good.

It feels great to know that I am making progress. My journey of self has been a wonderful experience. I see everything in a totally different light and I love it. I was cooking breakfast and ended up writing a post about eggs in a carton because all things are so much more than they seem now. I see people for who they are and not who I would like them to be. I've finally realized that I have to be honest about the things I know about people and not try to ignore. I must accept that they are who they are going to be.

I'm still a work in progress and always will be. Each day I thank God for opening my eyes in more ways than one. I am so thankful to be so blessed. Some people go through life and never really get to know themselves. I was actually on track to be that way. Things changed for the better when they were suppose to. I have learned from every experience i've had. It took me a while but now I know that the things we go through exist to shape us into the person we are suppose to be. I am thankful for it all and cannot wait to see what else is in store.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 50

2009-05-27T10:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

A friend emailed something to me that I thought I would share. It was definitely food for thought for me. Here it is:

It's okay to quit:

1. Quit arguing with people about the same old foolishness! Respect their position and keep it moving!

2. Quit telling people your secrets when you know they are not going to keep them! And if you keep telling them, then quit getting mad when they tell your secrets!

3. Quit trying to pull people on your journey who don't want to travel with you. Either they believe in you and value you...or they don't!

4. Quit complaining about things you can't and won't change!

5. Quit gossiping about other people! Minding our own business should be a full time job!

6. Quit blaming each other for things that in the big picture aren't going to matter three weeks from now! Talk solutions...and then implement them!

7. Quit buying things when we know we can't afford them! If you don't have self control, then quit going to the stores! Quit charging things,especially when you don't NEED them!

8. Quit staying in unhealthy relationships! It is not okay for people to verbally or physically abuse you! So quit lying to yourself! It is not okay to stay in the marriage for the children! Ask them and they will tell you that they really would prefer to see you happy and that the misery you and your spouse/partner are living with is affecting them!

9. Quit letting family members rope you into the drama! -Start telling them you don't want to hear it! Quit spreading the drama! Quit calling other relatives and telling them about your cousin,uncle,or aunt! Go back to #5 minding your own business should be enough to keep you busy!

10. Quit trying to change people! IT DOESN'T WORK! Quit cussing people out when you know that they are just being the miserable and jealous people that they are!

11. Quit volunteering for things that you aren't getting any personal fulfillment from anymore!

12. Quit listening to the naysayers!

13. Quit making excuses about why you are where you are or why you
can't do what you want to do!

14. Quit waiting on others to give you the answers...and start finding the answers for yourself! If what you are doing isn't working for you...then quit it!

15. Quit settling and start making your dreams a reality!- Quit being afraid and START LIVING YOUR LIFE! CREATE THE LIFE YOU WANT! If you want something different than what you have had in the past...you must quitdoing what you have done before and DO something different! JUST QUIT IT ...... and START DOING something to create the experience you want!

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 49

2009-05-24T14:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

It's Memorial Day weekend and i'm taking this time to remember my dad. He wasn't a veteran or anything, just my daddy. I guess I shouldn't say it that way. My father was such a huge personality. When he was in the room you knew he was there. He was funny and ultra intelligent. He taught me to be well rounded and up on what's going on in the world. I miss him so much. I still talk to him and kiss his picture every day.

I'm also thinking of my grandparents. They were together for over 50 years. My grandfather was a boisterous, rotund man who owned several businesses even though he only had a third grade education. He was such a savvy businessman. I remember being at his burial and seeing a never ending procession of cars. We were walking back to the limos and people were still coming. He was very popular. Everyone in the town knew him and my grandmother. She was his right hand. I can see her smiling as I walked in the family house summer after summer and saying, "Hey bay." I hope my husband and I are lucky enough to have the marriage my grandparents had.

My next door neighbor passed away in his sleep. He was a young man, not even 40, and it was such a shock when he died. His mother found him. His name was Gary and he was so cool. All we did was sit around and laugh and joke around. His mother was his best friend and she has not been the same since his death. Whenever we have a get together at our home I think of him.

It's so hard to lose people you love. It took me a while but I have learned to spend more time remembering the good things than mourning. My father was the first person close to me that left me. I felt empty inside. It took years for me to accept that he was gone. His death taught me a lesson. It made me realize that I had to cherish life and the people I love. You never know what can happen.

I didn't have time with my father before he passed away. His death was sudden. My mother, on the other hand, got to spend two weeks with her mother before she died. When the doctors realized she didn't have much time they told my aunt and uncle, who still live in the small town my mother was born in, to get the family together. All seven of my grandmother's children went to North Carolina. My grandmother lasted much longer than expected. She's always been a very strong woman. I'm sure she enjoyed having all of her children around her.

So, Memorial Day weekend has me reflecting. I really miss those who have gone but I know I will see them again. I'm sure my father is in heaven talking sports and politics and my grandparents are somewhere holding hands. Gary's partying and drinking Belvedere. I miss them all.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 48

2009-05-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I'm taking a short break from all the fun i'm having to say how much fun i'm having. Hubby and I arrived at our friend's place Saturday afternoon. They were having a cookout and the house was full of people. I love cookouts.

Being around good people is always a wonderful thing. It's nice when you can just lay back and have a good time. Our friends are the type who open their door to everyone and people love them because they're so genuine. I looked around and everyone was laughing and having a good ole time. It was just what I needed.

Being away from work and the city makes me cherish the time I have. I'm not crazy about my job, but know that i'm blessed to have it. Being away is awesome. We have had so much fun. Tomorrow's our last day here and we plan to make the most of the time we have with our friends.

Until tomorrow...

Dear Diary 47

2009-05-15T04:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I just got to work and i'm in a really good mood. It's Friday, i'm going out with friends when I get off, and my husband and I leave visit friends for a few days when he gets off work tomorrow. All that is great but it's only part of the reason i'm in such a good mood.

I just finished the second round of editing my novel. I bring it with me to work every day and edit on the bus and whenever I have a chance at work. As I was finishing the last few pages I smiled to myself because I realized that I am really proud of what I have written. I love it!

There are so many gifts God could have given me. I am so glad that he chose to make me a writer. How blessed am I? Some people never realize what their gifts are and some never find out what it is that they love to do. I know what my passion is. It's obvious to me that I was put here to put paper to pen.

I haven't always been comfortable with sharing the things I write with others. I was nervous and did not have confidence in my abilities. Things take time. I have done so much growing in the past few years that I have thrown the fear out the window and learned that i'm an awesome writer. I read my book and impressed myself. I love the way I put the whole idea together.

I've definitely grown because i've invited others into my editing process. I'll be having my first book club meeting at the end of the month. I chose a few people whose opinions I trust to read together and give me the feedback I need to make sure that my novel is all that it can be. I'm not nervous about that at all. I'm excited and hope that they love what I have written as much as I do.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. My book will be published when I come out on the other side. It is claimed and will be done! I will be a published author. Believe it!

Dear Diary 46

2009-05-13T06:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

My husband and I are going upstate to visit some friends for a few days at the end of the week. I cannot wait. A change of scenery is going to do me good. It's going to be nice to have some good times with good friends in a different space. I love my city, but sometimes the hustle and constant go, go, go, of New York can get under your skin.

Work is a real pain this week and I just want to make it to Friday. I'm trying not to let the negative energy around me affect my mood, but it isn't easy. My supervisor has no life and although I feel sorry for her it would be nice if she didn't bring a black cloud to work with her every day. I had to say something to her today because there are just certain things I will not tolerate. I am a 41 year old woman and I will not be treated like a child.

It's crazy how some people think a title gives them card blanche to do and say whatever they want. One of my biggest pet peeves is having someone insult my intelligence or treat me like a child. I don't extend the opportunity to do either of those things to anyone. I never have and I never will. So, I had to let her know how I feel and because she thinks supervisor equals God she has an attitude. I actually like the silent treatment and I feel bad for her because she doesn't know how to respond to criticism.

So anyway, i'm off to visit friends and I cannot wait to leave this city behind for a little while. They live in a small town and it's going to be nice to grab a drink and sit on the porch and chit chat and laugh. I need that right now.

Dear Diary 45

2009-05-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I'm in a really good mood today. Actually, i've been in a pretty good mood for a while. My health hasn't been the best for the past few days, but my spirits were still high. This is kind of different for me. Looking back, I realize that there were times when I actually seemed to look for reasons to be down. It's amazing what you realize once you move on.

Life really is what you make of it. I want to have a happy, positive life so I guess I have to be those things. I'm so determined now. When I start feeling sorry for myself or getting down on life, I go back to the vow I made to me. I vowed that I would be optimistic and make the best out of life and that is what i'm going to do.

I read between the lines of something someone said in an email and realized that they thought my energy was a little on the negative side sometimes. My feelings were a little hurt at first but instead of letting it take me over like I once did, I sat back and owned it. I've never really been the type of person who was able to smile on the outside when my inside was doing the opposite. It was hard.

My emotions have been firmly planted on my sleeve. If i'm going through something it shows, even when I try to hide it. It got so bad at one point that I felt like the best thing for me to do was shut down and stay to myself. It wasn't fair for me to let my moods affect others.

That was then and this is now. I've learned that talking helps. I can't hold stuff in. I'm good now. I'm so much happier. To be honest I didn't realize I was seeking misery. Misery may be a strong word, but I did seem to prefer to play it extremely safe and worry about everything from a to z. I'm done with that. It's time for walking on faith. Whatever will be will be.

Dear Diary 44

2009-04-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I'm finding it a little hard to be positive lately. There are so many things I want out of life and there are times that I feel like i'll never reach the goals that i've set for myself. I'm feeling a bit stuck. In my heart of hearts I feel that i'm being tested and prepared for something bigger. I'm just having trouble being patient.

It's not easy to think positive when situations make you feel like you'll never get over the hump. I have faith, but I think it's being tested. I don't want to fail the test, and I know that I am worthy of the outcome. I'm just growing a little weary of the back and forth and up and down of it all. It seems like things will never move at a steady pace.

I've noticed that i'm really beginning to let my job get me down. I don't like it and it's bringing my spirit down. I want to leave, but i'm not sure that would be the best decision right now. It's also not easy to give up 13 years of seniority and start over. Does it mean I don't have faith that God will not move me from bad to worst, or am I just cautious?

Walking on faith is not an easy thing to do. I wish I could say I was there, but I know I am not. I'm a work in progress and I pray every day and ask for the strength to keep it moving when there are times when I want to collapse, both mentally and spiritually.

The thing is, I can feel something moving inside me. I feel it all around me. Whenever I try to be the pessimist i've always been, something tells me things are going to work themselves out like they never have. I just need to be still and learn how to listen, and feel without thinking so much. I don't worry about things as much as I once did, but I still have improvements to make. There was a time when I never allowed myself to have a positive outlook so I know I have made strides. Situations that would have brought me down in the past are not having any affect.

I know he's working on me. Each day I pray for forgiveness for allowing my negative outlook to block my blessings. I notice things moving as I shed that habit. My life is better. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I know for sure I will get there.

Dear Diary 43

2009-03-30T15:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I'm really trying to keep my temper in check, but it's so hard. It seems like the harder you try, the more people want to test you. I know what kind of temper I have, and i've really been trying not to let it loose. It's so hard sometimes because people can really push you.

I guess i'm a can be considered a quiet person. I don't warm up to people easily. I'm more inclined to sit back in the cut and see what vibes I feel. I believe in first impressions and i'm hardly ever wrong. My initial reaction to people is usually spot on. My intuition hasn't failed me yet.

I think i'm quiet because I have a very low tolerance for bull crap. I just can't take it. I've been trying to let things go and move on and, for the most part is has worked. Of course, there are those times when my alter ego, I call her Harlem, comes out and sets it off. Sometimes it just has to be done. A lot of folks take kindness for weakness and Harlem has to let them know the deal. She hasn't been out in a while, but between my job and a few people who have really been irking me lately, she may have to make an appearance.

Like I always say, i'm a work in progress. I've made some strides, but i'm far from where I want to be. I have to admit, it's great to have less visits from Harlem. She use to be a constant part of my day. Blogging also helps me to get out some of the things that are bothering me. I always get such good feedback and advice from some of my blog friends. It really helps.

I guess I just needed to vent. Some things happened today that tried to force Harlem out. I was proud of myself. I kept her under wraps. Sometimes when people know how to push your buttons, they lay on them until they get a result. I refused to let that happen today. I'm proud of myself.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 42

2009-03-23T04:57:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

Stress! What a word. That thing can kill you. I was talking to someone special yesterday and became really sad because life has really gotten this person down. They're feeling overwhelmed. It's a shame how that can happen. One minute you feel like you're on top of the world and the next thing you know you feel like the world is on top of you.

I have definitely been in that position. I once let a job stress me out so badly that I became physically sick. I had to take so many trips back and forth to the doctor that it was getting on my nerves. We finally sat down and had a long talk and realized that the problem was stress. Once I realized what was going on, and left that job, I felt much better.

It hurt to see someone I love going through so many emotions and stresses. They're just starting their adult life and student loans, a career they thought they would love but don't, trying to be independent, and just the daily rigamarole that life can put you through are all bringing them down. It's taking their emotional stability for a ride. All I could do was listen and offer whatever advice I thought would help. My main advice was, "pray on it."

Prayer has definitely helped me navigate some situations I thought I would not make it through. It's not easy, but it helps. I've learned to take time to give thanks, even when things aren't going the way I would like. I know that, all things considered, my life could be a lot worse. I'm thankful for the rough times because they help me to appreciate the good.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 41

2009-03-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I was cleaning out my old locker and came across something that was taped inside. It definitely hit home for me. Here it is:

Dear God,

I want to thank you for what you have already done. I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards, I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better, I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until people say sorry or until they stop talking about me, I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears, I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves, I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait unti the children are asleep and the house is quiet, I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get a job, I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief, I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait unit the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed, I am thanking you right now.

I am thanking you because I am alive. I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties. I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles. I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.

I am thanking you because you have not given up on me. God is so good and he's good all the time!

Until tomorrow...Take the time to say thank you.

Dear Diary 40

2009-03-18T09:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

So, i'm back to work. It feels like I never left. One of these days will be my last here and I will be happy about it. I'm claiming a new career for myself. What i'm doing now is not the move. I'm not complaining; I just need something new and much more fulfilling. I want to make a difference.

Making my living as a writer would be the best thing that could happen to me. That would be my difference. A good book can get a person through a lot. I still remember reading, "Are you there God, it's me Margaret," when I was young. I remember the feeling it gave me. I remember writing short stories and giving them to my sisters and a couple friends and they would go on and on telling me how much they liked or related to them. It was a great feeling.

My book is done, but I haven't finished editing. I had no idea how much of a process it would be. I'm still thinking of hiring someone to check the grammar. I've always been one to pay more attention to the words than the punctuation. My friend says i'm old school because I don't sit in front of the computer when I write. I'm a pen and notebook girl. I write first and type later.

One of my blog friends,

A Free Spirit Butterfly

had a haiku contest. I entered right before the deadline and tied with someone else for the win. I was really happy. I've entered a few short story contests and i've only won one. It's a great feeling to have anything i've written acknowledged. I thank Free Spirit Butterfly for her acknowledgment.

I'm going to keep pushing. I don't know what will become of my writing career but, God willing, it will be all that is should be. If my books bring a smile to just ones person's face or makes someone think, i'll be extremely happy.

Dear Diary 39

2009-03-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling a lot better, but still not back to my old self. At times I forget the pain is there and move or get up too fast. I think i'll be back to normal in another week. I'm just glad to be able to move around on my own. Last week was terrible. My husband took such good care of me. He waited on me hand and foot. I was in a lot of pain, but I admit I enjoyed it.

I wasn't going to talk about my operation, but I just changed my mind. I had to have a partial hysterectomy. My uterus was removed due to a condition called adenomyosis. I was initially diagnosed with fibroids and although I did have some they were not the main cause of the problems I experienced. Adenomyosis in a nutshell is an enlarged uterus. Luckily, I was able to have minimally invasive surgery and did not get cut. My recovery time and pain are both lessened.

Not having a uterus means that I can no longer have children. My daughter is 24 and my son is 18 so when the doctor asked me if I had any intentions of having another child I told her hell no. My husband and I thought we would be living alone at this point, but the universe had other ideas. Our daughter decided not to move just yet and our son decided to go to school here in the city.

My surgery was organized a few months in advance and I really thought I was fine with it. I didn't really think about it until about a week before it was time to get it done. The closer the day became, the more nervous I got. When my husband and I woke up Monday, March 2nd, the day of my surgery, I was a nervous wreck. I didn't tell him how I was feeling because I knew he would tell me everything was going to be fine and that's not what I wanted to hear. I didn't tell him I was scared until we were on our way to the hospital. He just said, "I know," and gave me a hug. I looked into his eyes and realized he was nervous too.

The surgery was suppose to start at 3:30 but it didn't happen until 6:00. I spent a couple hours alone after a nurse's assistant came to the room where I was sitting with my husband and kids to take me to the OR waiting room. I thought I would be getting started, but I had to sit and wait, and wait, and wait. All that did was allow me to worry more. All sorts of things went through my head. I hoped the anesthesia took and I didn't wake up during the operation. I thought about my friend's grandmother who had a scalpel left in her abdomen after surgery. Every thing that could possibly go wrong went through my head. By the time they came to get me, I was a nervous wreck.

One minute I was climbing on an operating table and talking to doctors and anesthesiologists and the next minute I was waking up in recovery thanking God for bringing me through the surgery. It was sort of creepy. I also thanked him for the wonderful doctors and nurses who took such great care of me. My surgery was considered outpatient and I was suppose to go home but my doctor found a way for me to stay. It was a terribly cold and snowy day and it would not have been fun for me to leave the hospital in so much pain under those conditions. I didn't wake up until 10:00 and they didn't take me to my room until midnight. Imagine what it would have been like if they made me leave. I think it's disgusting that this sort of surgery is considered outpatient.

My husband and daughter picked me up from the hospital on my birthday. As we were leaving someone from the hospitality department came to give me a teddy bear and say happy birthday. I thought that was really nice. It wasn't easy walking in the snow, but my husband helped me. My daughter took my prescriptions to the pharmacy where my sister works.

I slept a lot that first day. Those pain pills knocked me out. I was lying in the bed when I was startled by my mother, sister, and niece saying, "Happy birthday!" I had no idea they were coming. They had balloons and a birthday cake with one lit candle. I guess it would have taken too long to light it up with 41. Seeing them really made me smile. I actually forgot my pain for a minute and was very happy to see them. They stayed for a while and we had dinner, laughed like we always do when we're together, and ate some cake.

The thing that surprised me was my reaction the first time I saw a baby on television. Even though I don't want anymore children, seeing that baby hit me. The realization that I will never be able to carry another child was actually kind of sad. I didn't expect to feel that way and, to be honest, I don't really understand why I do. The thought of having a child at the age of 41 is not one I wanted to think about. Why does knowing I don't have to worry about it make me sad?

I thank God that nothing went wrong and he blessed me by putting me in the care of the wonderful staff at Mount Sinai Hospital. They took such good care of me from start to finish. I'm proud to say I work there. I'm thankful for my family, who made sure I had everything I needed to make my recovery as smooth as possible. I definitely feel blessed.

Dear Diary 38

2009-02-27T10:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I've been feeling so run down lately. One of my co-workers mom is really sick and she has been out. Since i'm the only one who knows how to do her work I got saddled with it. I didn't even have time to do my own. It pissed me off, but I did what I had to do. I would want someone to fill in for me if, God forbid, my mother was sick. I was swamped the entire week, but thinking of my co-worker sitting next to her mother on her death bed pushed me to continue.

Losing a parent is such a terrible thing. My father passed away ten years ago and even though it's getting easier to deal with, I think about him every day. I did not get the chance to tell him goodbye. I got a phone call telling me he was gone. That is the worst thing I have ever experienced. One minute we were making plans for him to visit and the next minute he was gone.

I try to live the life I think my father would be proud of. I know that he is watching me and I want him to do it with a smile. I miss him so much. He's the reason for my love of sports and music. We would talk on the phone for hours about the Yankees or the new music that was out.

The original Yankee Stadium is being torn down and replaced by some new fangled bull that's going to be so expensive that families will no longer be able to go to games. I'm so glad I have the memories of going to games with my daddy. We had so much fun. I loved sports when all my friends were beginning to turn into girly girls. I've always been sort of a tomboy.

I thank God that my mother is still alive. She works so hard. She's part of the reason I work so hard to get my book published. The dream is to sell so well that my mother can stop working. I'm sure that will take a couple books, but you never know what could happen. I love my mother. She's my example of a strong black woman on the move. There is not one lazy bone in her body. I hope to be like her when I grow up.

Here's to the father I lost who taught me so much and the mother who is the first strong black woman I ever met.

Dear Diary 37

2009-02-18T04:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

There's so much going on in my head right now. I feel like i'm twisting in the wind. My birthday is coming up and although I haven't accomplished everything I would have liked to since I turned 40, I do think i've made some improvements and learned a lot of things about myself.

I've learned that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I can handle way more than I give myself credit for. I should have known that because God is not going to give you more than you can handle, even when you think you're overwhelmed. How can you appreciate what you have if it doesn't take a little work?

I still feel there's a blessing waiting for me. Too many things are being moved. I don't know what it is or when it will come; I just want to be ready. It's important for me to be the person who deserves what they receive. That is why I feel like i'm being prepared. I know that my mindset has done a lot to block my blessings. You get what you give. I've been way to pessimistic and worrysome. I finally realize that has to change if I want to get the things out of life that are waiting for me.

My children are grown now. I've done my job as a mother. It's their time now. My daughter has her career and my son has begun his college journey. Now is the time for their father and I to sit back and watch them live their lives. We filled up their belts, now it's time for them to use the tools. I'm very proud of them and thank God that I had a hand it adding two wonderful people to the universe.

My husband and I are really hitting our stride. We thought we'd be living alone at this time. Our daughter was going to move out and our son was going to go away for college. They both changed their minds. It's fine. I don't want my daughter to move until she has enough saved where she can sit pretty and live her life. My son's decision to stay turned out to be a good one because he received a four year academic scholarship and is a member of the school basketball team. He loves his school. He made the right decision.

I feel good about the life the four of us have shared. Even though our children have lives of their own and we don't spend as much time together, we share a very close bond. I love my family very much. They have been my blessing for a very long time. It has been a priviledge for me to be in their lives.

How lucky am I? I got to carry two lives inside my womb. It was my responsibility to nurture them and bring them into this world. I still remember the day both of my children were born like it was yesterday. My husband was there with me every step of the way, as he has been since. I am truly blessed.

There was a time when I let everything stress me out. I worried, worried, worried, and assumed the worst at all times. In the months leading up to my 40th birthday, I began to do a lot of soul searching. I'm so glad I did. I'm not all the way there yet, but I am learning to let go. Things will work out the way they're suppose to. It's all in God's hands, and I am so thankful for every blessing he has sent my way.

Dear Diary 36

2009-02-14T08:22:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary,

I'm not sure how I feel about Valentine's day. I've been with my husband for a long time and we've never really gotten into it. We tell each other I love you every day. Our love is very evident. I'm not so sure we need a special day to prove it.

My son is 18 and this day is very important to him. He's spent days getting things together for his girlfriend and they have a big day planned. I think that's cute and very caring. Seeing how into it he was took me back to the days when I first met his father. I was 15 and he was 18. We only had one Valentines Day together before we became parents. I can't say I remember how we spent it, but I consider it special because it was the first one.

We've had our share of flowers, cards, and candy and it was nice. We did the dinners and romantic nights. It's years later and our feelings for each other have escalated, we've had our share of ups and downs, and we're still together. I love him more right now than I thought I ever would.

We didn't say, "Happy Valentine's Day," when we woke up this morning we said, "I love you." Some of the things we've gone through have taught us to cherish every day you have with the one you love. There's no need to save it all up for one day. This is a cute holiday but, hopefully, we all learn to let the ones we love know how much they mean to us as often as we can.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 35

2009-02-11T05:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I haven't been feeling all that strong this week. I'm tired and sluggish and my job is really getting to me. I want out of there.

Until tomorrow...

Dear Diary 34

2009-02-05T04:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Lately i've been feeling like all of my senses are heightened. My mind is like a sponge, my heart is bursting with emotion, and my eyes are opening to so many things and seeing people for who they really are. I can't help but feel that a blessing is coming my way because i'm being shown so much. It feels like things are being moved to prepare me for what is coming my way. This is a great thing. I want to be a prepared receiver.

I'm 40 years old but sometimes I feel like a newborn. Life is about constantly learning and experiencing new things. At no time in their life does a person know everything. I've come across some who thought they had learned all of life's lessons. I don't really listen to these types of people or seek out their advice. No one knows it all and people who think they do aren't always capable of seeing things from other perspectives.

I learned a great lesson over the past week. The people you love aren't always who you think they are. The ones closest to you are the ones most capable of hurting you and not really caring. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I am so glad for the experience. Things were really put into perspective for me. I now know that I have to face facts and I am no longer burying my head in the sand about certain things.

When you love people it's hard to see them for who they are and not who you want them to be. I have been trying to deny certain traits of some of the people I love but they were put in my face in a manner that was hard to ignore. I now have no choice but to face reality.

There's something out there for me. I know that it's up to me to go and get it and i'm ready. I'm going to take all the things I am being shown and use them to make a better me. I've spent too many years not being true to myself because I didn't want to hurt others. Enough is enough. I got a big slap in the face and heart and I will not allow it to happen again.

I would like to say thank you to the people who hurt my feelings so badly that I had no choice but to woman up and move on. They have made me stronger.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 33

2009-01-22T04:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Anyone who does not know the definition of a strong black woman need only look to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The perfect example is living in the White House. What a feeling it is to know that she is there, Michelle Obama, first lady.

She is a wife

Her husband always describes her as his best friend and love of his life. She stands beside him and they take all journeys together. When you look at Barack and Michelle, you know that Black love is alive and well. What a blessing it is to see such a wonderful couple, who is deep in love, at the head of the table of the United States. They look at each other and their undeniable love shines through. It's a wonderful thing to see. A strong black woman is there for her man. She has his back at all times, but when he's wrong she'll let him know.

She's a mother

Always making sure he babies are protected and putting their welfare ahead of everything else. It's obvious that motherhood is extremely important to Michelle. You can look at her girls and see that they were, "raised right." (I heard an elderly woman say that on the bus this morning) A strong black woman takes care of hers and protects them at all costs. It's not easy raising children these days and we know we have to be there with them every step of the way to ensure that we are there when they need help navigating themselves through life. When she can't be there, she can call grandma, the one who was there for her navigation, to step in.

She's a fashion icon

This strong black woman is already changing the face of fashion. I really respect the fact that she chose to wear the clothes of two basically unknown designers to the inauguration and Presidential balls. Her style is great. She's not too flashy, and can still be classy and sexy at the same time.

She's a thinker

Strong black women are always trying to figure out what they can do to make things better. We wonder how we can make the lives of the ones we love better and be there when they need us. In Michelle's case, she has to care for an entire country. Whenever I see her, I see so much strength. She's so classy and dignified, yet down to earth and fun at the same time. She makes me proud.

I don't think I could be any happier. These pass few days have been wonderful. I look forward to seeing what Michelle Obama, first lady and strong black woman, has in store for the country.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 32

2009-01-18T12:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Life is so short. You never know what can happen. My husband and I were going down the West Side Highway here in New York and fire trucks and police cars were zooming by left and right. It was kind of scary because we had absolutely no idea what was going on. My husband turned to 1010 WINS, the all news station, and the reporter was talking about a plane crashing into the Hudson. My heart dropped.

Luckily, thanks to a great pilot and quick response, everyone got out alive and all injuries were minor. The first thing I thought of when I heard about the plane was a terrorist attack. Anything having to do with an airplane brings back terrible memories for us New Yorkers. I was relieved to find out that birds, not terrorists, caused the pilot to land the plane on the river. He gets top props for his skills.

That crash made me think a lot about my life. I've spent some time feeling sorry for myself and not being as confident as I should be. I've done a lot of work on those issues and, even though i'm not exactly where I want to be, I have made lots of progress. My lack of confidence told me that I would not have the moxxy to shop my novel around. That has totally changed. I'm ready to share my gift with the world. I'm ready and I know it's my time.

I pray for those who went through the plane crash. I hope they know how blessed they are. The Lord could be saving them for something big. I've been feeling like my true blessing is coming. There's something about this year that has me feeling optimistic. Maybe i'm looking forward to Tuesday and what's to come after our first Black president is sworn in. Maybe I just have a new outlook on life and positivity is really flowing through my body. Whatever the reason, it feels good.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 31

2009-01-14T09:20:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary,

I womaned up and went to my manager and told her how I felt. It's not in my character to hold things in, plus I felt it was important that I get things out in the open before I got to the point of explosion.

We both come in very early, so I was able to speak to her before the office filled up. I let her know that her micro managing style was making me uncomfortable. I also told her if she continued to constantly check my work there was no reason for me to do it. All of the things feeling spilled out of my mouth and I felt so much better when I was done. It wasn't about her response, because I knew it would be one of denial (and it was). It was about me letting her know how I felt. I was not willing to carry it around anymore.

My job situation was spilling over into other aspects of my life, even my blogging. It was hard for me to get out of bed in the morning because I didn't want to go to work. I became stressed because I was holding in something that was bothering me. I don't like to do that. I always said I would never allow another job to stress me out. It happened once before and I actually became physically ill. Getting rid of what was bothering me was of the utmost importance.

Even though she denied being a micro manager, my feelings are out in the open and I received an apology and promise that things will change. The funny thing is, in her denial my manager said she has heard that complaint before and doesn't understand where it is coming from. That made me laugh.

I feel so much better. I am determined to make 2009 one of the best years i've ever had and I will not allow anyone's issues to change that.

Dear Diary 30

2009-01-11T11:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I don't really like my job but i'm grateful to have it. I know there are people who would love to be in my shoes and I am definitely blessed, especially in these days and times. That is what I try to keep first and foremost in my head day after day. I thank God that my husband and I are able to pay our bills and keep a roof over our family's head and food on the table.

Things were going great for me for a while. I was given projects to do and left alone. I didn't really have a supervisor. It was great. I'll admit i'm the type of person who doesn't like to be told what to do. When I leave this job, I never want to work FOR anyone. I have to do me.

Imagine the horror when I was told that my department would be changed and I would be working with one of the most micro managing managers there is? Thoughts of quitting immediately filled my head but,of course, I can't leave my job right now. The two people who already work in the department don't know what it means to stand up for themselves and i'm known for constantly doing just that. In my old department I worked with someone who was right there with me. I'm all alone now.

It hurts my heart when our people have that slave mentality. It's almost like they're saying, "Yes'm" all the time. When you let people talk to you and treat you any kind of way because of their position, that is what you are doing. I've never been one to go there. You have to give respect in order to give it. There is no one that I will allow to come at me in a disrespectful manner and my new manager is very disrespectful and condescending. She seems to think that her title means she is above those she is managing. I'm really not having that.

I completed a week of working with this person and I think she has gotten the idea that she cannot push me around like she does her current staff. I will do everything within my power to let her know that I am not what she's use to. It's hard for me to watch women over the age of 40 being treated, and acting, like little girls, being told where to sit and when to move. That's just not me. I don't respond well to micro management. It's just not necessary.

I've been praying for patience and solution. I don't want to lose my temper. I guess it's going to be a battle of wills. Wish me luck.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 29

2009-01-09T17:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

It's 2009! The year went so fast that I barely remember half the things I did. I do know that it was a year of ups and downs. Things could have been better, but i'm not going to complain. Instead of doing that, I will look at the arrival of 2009 as a chance to make things better.

I went to a party on new years eve and had a wonderful time. It's always great to be around good people. There was no drama and everyone just wanted to have fun. That's sort of the way I plan to live in 2009, no drama only good things. I know there's no way that things will be perfect, but I will do all I can to make sure it's as good as it can be.

My number one priority right now is publishing my novel. I'm at the end of my first round of editing and it feels good. I'm an author. I smile every time I think about what i've done. I have a great feeling. Things are going to go well.

When 2008 ended, I let go of a lot of the things I had on my mind and spirit. I'm genuinely looking at 2009 with a clean slate. I changed a lot last year. I've become a stronger, more positive woman. My shoulders feel lighter. There were some negative energies in my life that I have gotten rid of and it really made a huge difference.

I'm more than ready to face whatever happens this year. I feel stronger and I have so much more faith that things will go well. I'm learning how to let go and let God. I know that my destiny has already been written and I can feel that something is about to happen.

I'm sure there have been times in the past when I could have had the success I wanted, but it wasn't time. I wasn't ready. I've done a lot of soul searching and i'm in such a good place. I feel that the trials of 2008 were preparing me for the blessings of 2009. Finally, i'm ready to receive and appreciate all the good things that I feel are coming my way.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 28

2008-12-29T05:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Well, 2008 is coming to a close. It's been an up and down year for me, but I feel extremely blessed. I have family and friends who love me, a roof over my head, a place of employment that allows me to pay my bills, and i'm alive and kicking.

I've done some complaining in 2008 when things didn't go my way, but i'm going to do my best to change that in 2009. Instead of complaining, i'm going to do all that I can to make things better. I'm starting a checklist and hope to have every item listed checked off by or before December 2009 is over.

I wish a blessed year to all those that I know and love. I've met some nice people here in the blog world and I hope they all have a wonderful 2009. I'm taking a break but i'll be back in the new year, hopefully with a clear blog head, ready to roll.

Have a blessed 2009.

Until Next Year....

Dear Diary 27

2008-12-10T06:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Behind, next to, and in front of every strong black woman there is one to match. When I think of my family, i'd definitely say that's true. There are three generations in my immediate, my mother, my sisters and I, my daughter, and niece. We are five very different women, all strong in our own right.

My mother - the matriarch

I've seen my mother tackle many challenges and obstacles in her life. Sometimes it saddens me that things had to be so hard for her. She has so much love in her heart. If she could do for every person she loves she would. She's strong, yet extremely sensitive, and needs to be needed.

If I haven't learned anything else from my mother, I have learned the value of hard work. She will get up and go to work even though her knees hurt or her arthiritis is making it hard to move. There are a lot of times that I feel like turning that alarm clock off and going back to sleep for no good reason, and there are times when I do. There are also those times when I think WWMD (What Would Mom DO) and I get up and go to work.

I tell my mother I love her all the time, but I don't think i've ever told her that I am inspired by her strength. If I could give her the world I would, just so she could take a break and relax.

The matriarch begat:

Me - The oldest

The martriarch's first born. It's hard for me to describe myself of say what I bring to the table without feeling funny. I'll just say that people tell me I look just like my mother and my sister always says I have her strength. I'm a wife and mother who loves her family with all her heart and would do anything for them.

I've made some mistakes, but for the most part i've had a pretty good life and, hopefully, set a good example for those who came after me. My mistakes made it a little easier for:

Char - The crazy middle child with no middle name

The one who makes everyone laugh. She has a smile that brightens up a room. If you're sensitive or don't like to laugh, stay away. She can hook up some hair and cleans with a fierceness. You can eat off her floor. She has that childlike quality that makes everyone smile.

She's Ms. Stiletto, with a great fashion sense. Ms. Sensitivity who doesn't like hurting anyone and wants everyone to get along. This girl just wants to have fun. When she hurts, she hurts deep and that's also the way she loves. She came nine years after the oldest and three years later came:

Yvette - Baby Girl the cook

She has a regal spirit and an old soul, and is serious, yet fun. Watches cooking shows and makes the best garlic broccoli i've ever tasted. (LOL) She's the youngest, but wiser than most. You can tell when you speak to her. She has that mama face that tells you she's not playing, but no intention on having any children.

She was the baby in the family and then the oldest had a baby and along came:

Lamika - First grandchild the teacher

My daughter. She came into my life at a time when I wasn't ready to be a mother but prepared myself nonetheless. Because of her I learned of the fight I had inside of me. She is here because of it. She's been curious from birth and became the first of us all to earn not one, but two college degrees.

She takes the minds of children into her hands and molds them each and every day. What a huge responsibility. I don't think there's any way I could be any prouder of the woman she has become. She stands tall and walks with pride. I am impressed every day. She spent years being the only granddaughter and Char blessed us all with:

Andrette - the talker

She's only 13 in age, but wise way beyond her years. If you talk to her you can tell there's something in store for her. She loves unconditionally and fully, always wanting to hug. I smile when I think about her. I see her future, it's bright. She may have to dust her glasses off a little to see how worthy of it she is, but it'll happen in time. We all know those teen years are rough, but she'll make it through.

Three generations loving each other, molding each other, making the way for each other. That's what strong black women do. It's a beautiful thing to be able to look to the right, left, and back of you and know that there's someone there holding you down, ready to listen, teach, and pay forward all that they receive.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 26

2008-12-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I've been feeling a little run down lately. I think it's a combination of personal and work issues. I'm a little stressed out and I hate feeling this way.

Tomorrow i'm going to have a long talk with my boss. I'm always being told how efficient and dependable I am. It's nice to be recognized, but not as nice when the responsibilities are piling up and the pay is staying the same. I've been rolling with the punches because I actually like staying busy, but it's getting to the point where i'm feeling used.

I would like to look for another job but that's not the best idea in this economic climate. I've been on my job for 13 years and I have great pension and benefits, some of the best in the city. It wouldn't make much sense to leave right now. In a way I feel stuck. I'm not really crazy about my job, but I know that i'm blessed to have it. I can only imagine how many people would love to be in my shoes.

If I had it my way, and didn't have bills to pay and a family to take care of, i'd quit and concentrate on my writing. I watch these movies and read articles about people who give up everything for their dream. It would be wonderful if that was my reality.

My husband makes very good money and could probably pay the bills on his own if I quit, but I could not let that happen. It wouldn't be fair to him, and I wouldn't be able to live depending on him. I'm an independent woman and I have to have my own money. I have to be able to do what I want, when I want, and not have to ask anyone for the cash to do it.

Anything worth having is worth working for. So, it'll take me a little longer to finish editing my book and get it published. It's worth the work and i'm ready to put it in.

Until Tomorrow....

Dear Diary 25

2008-12-02T08:24:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary,

To my utter surprise, I have been tagged. I wasn't even sure that many people read my blog, but i'm learning that everyone who reads doesn't necessarily comment. It feels good to know that someone enjoys reading my thoughts enough to single them out. It's my turn to do the same.

THE RULES

Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends. Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.

Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post,which explains The Award. http://scholastic-scribe.blogspot.com/2008/10/200-this-blings-for-you.html
Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!

I enjoy reading about the spiritual journey of A Free Spirit Butterfly. She's always postive and inspiring. As soon as I see that beautiful butterfly on her page I smile.

He hasn't been around for a little while, but I always love checking out SLC's blog to see what thought provoking topic he comes up with. He always sees things from a very interesting PERSPECTIVE. His blog is definitely one of my favorites.

Stacye's blog Standing Able is one of the most uplifting blogs I have ever visited. I visit for inspiration and the word is always there. She hasn't been posting for a while, but i'll definitely be there when she gets back.

If you want to know what's going on in the world of music, stop by Songs in the Key of Life. You'll be greeted by a beautiful smile and a bunch of fun posts. I love music so I check her out every chance I get.

I've know The Fitness Diva for a long time. She's a strong, remarkable, Jill of all trades. If you want to know about fitness, nutrition and keeping yourself in shape her blog is the place to be. She's taught me a lot about this blog thing and i'm very thankful.

I have to give honorable mention to Keith. I was going to tag him, but the person who tagged me beat me to it. LOL! His blog is definitely one of my favorites. I think he's an amazing writer. I can see him writing screenplays or that great American novel. He's awesome!

I absolutely love being a part of the blog world. I've been writing for a long time but never had the guts to share my gift with the world. Now that i've started blogging i'm addicted. Thank you to all of you who take the time to stop by my blogs and share your thoughts with me. I'm having a blast.

Dear Diary 24

2008-11-23T12:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I met up with some friends yesterday and one of them was late. When she arrived and we had a chance to talk, she told me that she was late because she had just come from having an abortion. Just hearing the word brought back memories for me.

I became pregnant with my daughter when I was 16 years old. It was a total surprise, almost like an after school special. I was the girl who thought something like that would never happen to her. It never crossed my mind that my boyfriend (now husband) and I hardly ever used condoms.

When my boyfriend and I told my mother I was pregnant, she had an absolute fit. I can't really say I blamed her. The problem was, she was more worried about people would think of her than what was happening to me. She said people would think she was a bad mother if they say her 16 year old walking down the street with a big belly.

My mother proceeded to make a doctor's appointment for me, and even tried to sit in the room while the doctor examined me. I was ecstatic when the doctor told her she had to leave. Little did I know that she was at the main desk making an appointment for my abortion while my feet were in the stirrups.

As we walked home, she told me the date that my child would be sucked from my body against my will. Whenever I tried to tell her I wanted to have my child, she would ignore me. It was a really rough time. The only person I felt like I could talk to was the father of my child. Neither one of us wanted to abort our child, but we didn't know what to do.

The day of doom was approaching and my mother never really spoke to me. She had made the decision about what would be done to my child and with my body and that was all I needed to know. I wasn't about to let that happen, so I packed my clothes and left while she sat in the livingroom. There was no way I was going to have an abortion.

My mother eventually caught up with me after calling my father and most of our family and trying to make the father of my child look like satan. She blamed everything on him because he was 18 and I wasn't. She even tried to have him arrested for statutory rape. It was such a big mess. No matter what she tried he stood by me, and is still standing by me 25 years later.

Once she realized I was not going to do what she wanted, my mother gave in. She had no choice. She was the only person okay with what she was trying to do. When the smoke cleared, my family came over to my side and realized that forcing me to abort my child probably wasn't a good idea.

My daughter is a wonderful young woman. She just turned 24 the 20th of November. She graduated from the University of Virginia with a BS in psychology and an MS in early childhood development and teaches preschool. She has even studied in Morocco. I could not be any prouder of the woman she has become if I tried.

My mother loves to brag about all her grandchild has accomplished and I find that hilarious. If I had listened to her she would not be alive. My husband is also one of her favorite people in this world. I can remember when she told me he would be gone before our child was born. I understand that, in her mind, my mother was doing what she thought was best for me but the way she went about everything has left a sour taste in my mouth for 25 years. It still hurts. I wonder if she thinks about it.

I do not judge anyone who chooses to have an abortion. I think it is a woman's right to choose what to do with her body. It's just not something I would do. My friend is 42 years old with an established career and a ten year old son. She took every precaution and still became pregnant. She could not see a reason to have another child, and that is her prerogative.

It's funny how the simple word took me back to the time when I had to fight to bring my child into this world. I'm so glad I had someone in my life who was there for me and, together, we were able to make sure our child was born. I know a lot of girls in that position don't have that.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 23

2008-11-11T05:20:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary 23,

Here's a tidbit of information on the strong black woman front that i'm sure no one has heard about. My girl, Serena Williams, will travel to Kenya this week to open the Serena Williams Secondary School in Matooni. In my opinion this is huge news. Did anyone know about this?

If Serena had gotten arrested for drunk driving or hitting her assistant in the head with her cell phone it would be all over the news. The priorities of our tabloid society disgust me sometimes.

During her visit to Kenya, Serena will officially open a secondary school put up in her name, to give chance to needy primary school students who want to pursue secondary school education. The school will allow hundreds of primary school students in the location to pursue secondary school education. The area suffers from high school drop out rate and most students are orphans due to the high HIV/Aids prevalence rate in the area.

I give Serena so much respect for doing this. It's obvious that she is doing it from her heart and not looking for publicity. To those who much is given, much is expected. I'm proud of this young woman for giving back to those less fortunate than her. It's what we all should do.

I wasn't able to find much information on the school, but I wanted to give her props for her efforts to do something great. How wonderful is it to give the gift of education? Much respect to Serena for giving this gift to chilren of the motherland.

Until Tomorrow....

Dear Diary 22

2008-11-05T08:29:00.000-08:00

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Dear Diary,

Beside every great man walks a great woman. Michelle Obama is definitely that. She's the personification of a strong black woman. You can see it in her face. It's displayed in the way she walks, talks, and stands by her man. This woman is the bomb.

That's how we do. We're there for the men we love. When Barack's grandmother became ill, Michelle said do what you have to do baby, I got your back. She hit the campaign trail strong black woman style in her husband's absence and held it down until he returned.

It touched me when Barack described Michelle as his best friend and the backbone of their family. That is what a wife should be. It's what I try to be. The relationship these two black people have is wonderful and I am so thankful that black love will be on display for the world to see. People need to know it exists.

There is no doubt in my mind that Michelle Obama will be a remarkable first lady. I was listening to the radio this morning and they were joking about how American fashion is about to change. Michelle is a simple, dignified woman who can make a dress from H & M look like couture. I love that about her. That's how we do.

I have many memories and favorite moments from last night, but my favorite was after the speech was done and the family members left stage. Our President elect walked toward the crowd to say one final goodbye. Waiting for him, letting him have his moment, was Michelle. She had a look of pride on her face as she watched her man command the stage and prepare to begin the journey of his presidency. When he was done he walked to his best friend and they held hands and walked off the stage together. It was beautiful.

Michelle Obama, strong black woman and first lady. That's what i'm talking about!

Until tomorrow (which seems a little brighter)....

Dear Diary 21

2008-11-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

We did an interesting exercise at our couples meeting Monday that I was thinking about earlier. My husband and I had to pick two words from a list that described each other and give examples of how and when we demonstrated these qualities.

I chose brave, and hard working for my husband. I chose the words I did because my husband is such a warrior. He's not at all afraid to stand up for what he believes and always says he fears no man, only God. Whenever any of our family members need someone to stand up for them, he is the one they call. Whenever we're together I feel totally safe. I don't worry about anything because I know my warrior is there for me. It's one of the things I love most about him. He is always there for the ones he loves. He also has one of the most thankless, hard, and dangerous jobs there is. He's a New York City sanitation worker and works very hard, especially in the winter.

My husband chose the words creative and loving for me. Creative is a given. He knows that I love to write and i've finished my next novel. He also added the way I plan parties and outings and get our friends and family to come out. He chose loving because of the way I am with him, our children, and family. He always says I have a, "huge heart."

The most important parts of the exercise was choosing three words to describe our children. We chose ambitious, strong, and motivated. Our children are wonderful people. They always go for what they want. My daughter has both a Bachelors and Masters degree and my son graduated second in his class. She is a pre-school teacher and we are very proud. I attended the graduation of her first class in June and it was beautiful to get a glimpse of what a wonderful educator she is. My daughter is one of the most confident, self assured people I have ever met.

My son is a freshman in college. His goal was to make the basketball team at his school. We all have a passion and my son's is basketball. He loves it and is an excellent player. My baby boy worked his ass off and made that team. I'm so proud of him. As of freshman he probably won't get as much playing time as he did in high school, where he was BMOC. He understands that, but will continue to be the team player he has always been. My son has a remarkably gentle spirit and always has a calming influence on those around him.

Our children inspire my husband and I. We look at them and know that we have done well. Like I always say, we contributed two wonderful people to the universe. I love my family and feel that I am truly blessed. I couldn't ask for three better people to share my life with.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 20

2008-10-28T18:21:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

My husband and I went to our weekly couple's meeting last night. It was a lot deeper than usual. Our facilitators have hit us with a lot of topics, but yesterday was different. We talked about how things that we have gone through in our past affect our relationships.

One of my favorite people in the group is a man named Louis. Louis is a man's man and his wife says that he is a wonderful husband and father. He was the first man to speak up. It's very hard for men to talk about their feelings and it took some prodding from the women to get one of them to talk. Louis decided to be the one. As a mother it broke my heart to hear him say that he never really knew his mother.

Louis lived with his mother until the age of seven and then was sent to his father. His mother said she could not "handle" him. He is in his forties and still doesn't know what that means. To make a long story short, Louis still longs for a mother. He really feels that he missed out. His mother passed away before he could ask her any questions. They barely spoke.

I take my job as a mother seriously. It boggles my mind to think that someone just would not want to be bothered with their child. I know there are times when things cannot be avoided and I am in no way judging anyone. I just don't know if my life would be worth living without my children. I think of all the mothers who have outlived their children and my heart goes out to them. I cannot even begin to imagine how they make it through the day.

My prayers go out to the sister of Jennifer Hudson. She has been on my mind since I heard that her son's body was found. I know that mother's lose their children every day, but it has to be extremely hard to see your tragedy play itself out on television.

Being a mother is a serious responsibility that needs to be cherished.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 19

2008-10-24T09:41:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

Someone very close to me is in the hospital. He has sarcoidosis and they found a clot in his lungs that spread to his heart. The doctors told him he would have died if he would have gone a few more days without going to the doctor.

It's so hard to see someone you love going through something like this. It makes you remember how precious life is.

My husband and I had an argument Sunday night and we weren't too fond of one another Monday morning. What if, God forbid, something would have happened to him? Would I want the last words I said to him to be out of anger? I love my husband very much and never want to go to bed angry again.

I'm so glad my father and I never argued because I never got the chance to say goodbye to him. Our conversations were always filled with love and laughter. I miss him very much, but draw comfort in the fact that angry words were not something we shared.

After my father's death, I began to value the ones I love more. A conversation does not end without me saying, "I love you." That is so important. It's also nice to hear, even if it's known. You don't realize that you take for granted someone will always be there until they're gone. I wish my father's death wasn't the catalyst for this realization, but it was.

I am going to do all I can to make angry words a thing of the past. Words of love are so much better. No more going to bed angry. There are times when my husband makes me crazy, but if I lost him, I could not be found.

Dear Diary 18

2008-10-16T04:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I really listened to the lyrics of the song Superwoman, by Alicia Keys and realized that I needed to post them. I know so many superwomes who never get what the they deserve out of life. I watched my mother struggle and do the best she could to raise me and my sisters. It wasn't easy for her to do that on her own. I respect her more than she will ever know. She's a superwoman. Yes she is!

I'm even going to give myself props. I have raised two wonderful children and kept my family together when it seemed like things were going to fall apart. I'm a superwoman. Yes I am!

We are all strong women and sometimes we deserve more than live gives us, but we push on. Some of us don't realize our strength. We've been told what we can't do for so long that we believe it. Sometimes we put the world on our shoulders and stop caring about ourselves. We feel guilty if we do the unthinkable and put ourselves first. It's time to do that. We're all superwomen. Yes we are!

Superwoman

Everywhere I'm turning
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I'm searching
For the better part of me
I hang my head from sorrow
Slave to humanity
I wear it on my shoulders
Gotta find the strength in me

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Still when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman

For all the mothers fighting
For better days to come
And all my women, all my women sitting here trying
To come home before the sun
And all my sisters
Coming together
Say yes I will
Yes I can

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Still when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman

When I'm breaking down
And I can't be found
And I start to get weak
Cause no one knows
Me underneath these clothes
But I can fly
We can fly, Oooohh

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Still when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman

Alicia Keys - Superwoman live OPRAH2008
Uploaded by kurb35

Dear Diary 17

2008-10-11T06:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I was sent an email by a friend that I wanted to share. I'm still not sure if I agree with ith wholeheartedly, but thought it fit the content of this blog so here goes:

DEATH OF A BLACK WOMAN

While struggling with the reality of being a human instead of a myth, the strong black woman passed away. Medical sources say she died of natural causes, but those who knew her know the truth.

She died from being silent when she should have been screaming, smiling when she should have been raging, from being sick and not wanting anyone to know because her pain might inconvenience them.

She died from an overdose of other people clinging to her when she didn't even have energy for herself.

She died from loving men who didn't love themselves and could only offer her a crippled reflection.

She died from raising children alone.

She died from the lies her grandmother told her mother and her mother told her about life, men & racism..

She died from being sexually abused as a child and having to take that truth everywhere she went every day of her life, exchanging the humiliation for guilt and back again.

She died from asphyxiation, coughing up blood from secrets she kept trying to burn away instead of allowing herself the kind of nervous breakdown she was entitled to, but only white girls could afford.

She died from being responsible, because she was the last rung on the ladder and there was no one under her she could dump on.

The strong black woman is dead.

She died from being a mother at 15 and a grandmother at 30 and an ancestor at 45.

She died from being dragged down and sat upon by un-evolved women posing as sisters and friends.

She died from tolerating Mr. Pitiful, just to have a man around the house.

She died from sacrificing herself for everybody and everything when what she really wanted to do was be a singer, a dancer, or some magnificent other ?

She died from lies of omission because she didn't want to bring the black man down.

She died from tributes from her counterparts who should have been matching her efforts instead of showering her with dead words and empty songs.

She died from myths that would not allow her to show weakness without being chastised by the lazy and hazy..

She died from hiding her real feelings until they became hard and bitter enough to invade her womb and breasts like angry tumors.

She died from always lifting something from heavy boxes to refrigerators all by herself.

The strong black woman is dead.

She died from never being enough of what men wanted, or being too much for the men she wanted.

She died from being too black and died again for not being black enough.

She died from being misinformed about her mind, her body & the extent of her royal capabilities.

She died from knees pressed too close together because respect was never part of the foreplay that was being shoved at her.

She died from loneliness in birthing rooms and aloneness in abortion centers.

She died in bathrooms with her veins busting open with self-hatred and neglect.

And sometimes when she refused to die, when she just refused to give in she was killed by the lethal images of blonde hair, blue eyes and flat butts, being rejected by the O.J.'s, the Quincy's, the Cuba 's, & the Kobe 's.

Sometimes, she was stomped to death by racism & sexism, executed by hi-tech ignorance while she carried the family in her belly, the community on her head, and the race on her back!

The strong black woman is dead!

Or is she?

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 16

2008-10-07T14:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

It's Tuesday and I feel like it's Friday. I was given a bit of a promotion and some extra responsibilities. I'm so busy that I don't know what to do. On one hand I love it and on the other hand I miss all the free time I had before.

My supervisor was demoted. She's not a very bright woman and has never been effective. It has always been extremely frustrating knowing more about the job than the person who is suppose to be "in charge." No matter how much we complained, nothing was done about her incompetence.

She was demoted as retaliation for a false complaint she made against her supervisor. No one could believe she would actually do something like that. I think they wanted to fire her, but feel sorry for her at the same time. I would never wish that anyone lost their job, especially the way things are going these days. Demoting her was the humane thing to do.

This may sound funny, but her situation reminds me of Sarah Palin. She's out of her league, but would never admit it. The higher ups at my job have always known that my supervisor was not capable of doing her job, but they threw her to the wolves anyway. This is the same thing the McCain campaign has done to Palin. I could never think of my ex supervisor running anything and I definitely couldn't see Palin running the country. (Bless her heart)

I guess i'm so obsessed with this election that I see similarities everywhere. We're in the last days of the campaigns and I just hope Obama can keep his lead until November 5th.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 15

2008-10-04T19:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

You never know where your inspiration will come from. I signed up for a writing contest that hadn't begun a while ago and received the email containing the rules earlier today. I've only recently started sharing the things I write with other people and blogging has helped me a lot. Even though I don't receive many comments on either one of my blogs, just having a place to write each day is a big boost.

I had the entry page on my computer screen and, for some reason, I could not bring myself to begin typing. My confidence was lacking. I began to second guess my abilities and wonder if I should even enter. I told myself that a lot of writers would be entering the contest and their styles might overshadow mine because it is very simple. Even though I know i'm an excellent writer, it's still hard for me to share my work. That is why finishing and publishing my novel is so important to me.

Anyway, as I sat in front of my computer I was watching a reality show called, Tabatha's Salon Makeover. Tabatha is a very successful hair stylist who visits salons in trouble and helps the owners to get things in order and save their businesses. I'd never watched the show before but it was on and I think I needed a distraction.

At one point in the show, Tabatha was talking to the stylists and she told them that at the end of a day at her salon she can barely stand because she gives her all to her clients. She said she loves what she does so much and that each client leaves her salon with a piece of her because she puts her heart and soul into what she does. I started to cry.

Writing is what I love and her words touched me. At that moment, her words were what I needed to hear. I turned my chair around and began to type. I didn't stop until I was done. The words of a reality show host had inspired me. The smallest things can make you sit up and take notice. I'm upset that I doubted myself, but glad that I got it togehter.

They say the Lord works in mysterious ways. He always sends the message, it's just up to us to recognize it because you never know where it may come from.

Until Tomorrow....

Dear Diary 14

2008-10-03T10:26:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

So, I watched the vice presidential debate last night and found myself constantly yelling at the television. Joe Biden was a true gentleman. Usually that would have been a good thing, but I wanted him to tear Sarah Palin a new one. It's what she needs. Ever since her disgustingly disrespectful speech at the RNC I have wanted her to get what she deserved.

Last night was the first time I would have liked to see Hillary Clinton in Biden's spot. She would have chewed Palin up and spit out her bones.

I got sick of seeing this face:

There's nothing worse than someone who is not qualified trying to act like they know what they're talking about. It's like when you start a new job and you lied on your resume. The boss comes to you with work you know you can't do, but since you lied you have to try and figure it out.

Palin looked like she was trying to figure it out during the entire debate. Her cheat sheets weren't even helping her. At one point it seemed like she was reading from a telepromter. The moderator would ask her about the economy and she would go into a long spiel about energy and how great the wonderful maverick John McCain is. It was mind blowing.

If you don't know, you don't know. There is no amount of studying or preparation that would have made this woman qualified enough to stand next to Joe Biden, much less debate him. I thought he was very nice to her and, to be honest, I wish he wasn't. If she had the nerve to stand there and try to flub her way through a debate in front of the nation, she should have been exposed for the uninformed, unprepared, candidate she is. She was thrown to the wolves and should have been eaten alive.

God save us all if Sarah Palin is the first female vice president. She'd make a better talk show host.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 13

2008-09-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

The days are zooming by faster and faster. Weekends always seem to go by too fast anyway. Mine was pretty good. My husband and I went to the movies Friday. He has a friend who works in a movie theater and we get to see as many movies as we want. We saw Lakeview Terrace, The Family That Preys, and Nights in Rodanthe. I think Samuel Jackson's performance in Lakeview Terrace and Sanaa Lathan's performance in Preys were some of their best work. Both movies were pretty good.

Nights in Rodanthe is the movie that stuck with me. Diane Lane and Richard Gere were the stars. It was a good movie to see with my mate. I don't want to say too much about it, but the movie demonstrated how people come into your life for a reason and even if it's only for a short period of time, they can have a huge impact.

After seeing the movie, I thought about my father. It's so important to tell the people we love how we feel about them. I found out that my father passed away on his birthday. He had a heart attack and way lying on his bedroom floor for a few days before his landlord found him. I loved my father very much, but didn't always verbalize it. We said, "I love you," to one another from time to time. Because of the way he died, I wasn't able to talk to him before he passed away. That was ten years ago and I still think about it every day.

I make it a point to say those three important words to all those I feel them for now, just in case. You never know what could happen. I miss my daddy so much. I'm glad I have good memories of him. I'm also glad I have so many things that I know I got from him like his love of sports and music, his creativity (he was a photographer and writer), his love of reading, and even his mean streak.

Whenever I spoke to my father he would always close the conversation with, "Don't take no wooden nickels." I've kept that with me. My father was not one to let people get over on or disrespect him. He definitely passed that on to me. I just hope that when he's looking down on me, he's smiling with pride and saying, "You're doing a good job Bugaloo."

Until Tomorrow...

Dear Diary 12

2008-09-26T08:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I haven't written a poem in a long time, but today the spirit moved me. I'm going to give it a try. Maybe i've been inspired by Don and a free spirit butterfly.

Mother
Daughter
Sister
Wife
I am all of the above
Sometimes I feel like my identity gets lost
So busy
Trying to please
Make sure everyone is okay
Do they have what they need?
Someone once said
What about you?
And I became confused
What about me?
What have you done for you lately
They replied
I'm a strong black woman
I can handle it
Pessimist
Optimist
Giver
Taker
I'm all of the above
Knowing the future can be great
But not wanting to get my hopes up
Letting my love go freely
Hoping to get it back in return
To whom much is given
Much is expected
I was given a gift
Strong shoulders
Heavy with burden
Filled with solutions
I’ve got the secret
Never let ‘em see you sweat
The backbone of my people
The ride or die chick
Down for her dude
There with the rifle
When the shotgun’s too light
By any means necessary
I’m a strong black woman
I can handle it
Mother
Daughter
Sister
Wife
I am all of the above
That’s me
Strong black woman
And I got it under control

Dear Diary 11

2008-09-25T06:55:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

Someone sent me an email that I thought was perfect for this blog.

Quote for the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'

So - if you give her crap,

You will receive more shit than any one human being can handle

Love and appreciate all the women in your life.

Until Tomorrow...

Dear Diary 10

2008-09-24T13:19:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was wonderful. I got a lot of writing done and relished the sound of nothing in my home. My son came home a little earlier than I thought and I had to hold back the urge to ask him what the hell he was doing home, but it was okay. He may have been thinking the same thing. He's the first one to get home and i'm sure he likes his alone time as much as I do.

I went to work feeling great. It's crazy how one good day off can replinish you. There's always drama on my job, but i've been doing my best to stay out of it. Because of one of my co-workers, the vibe can be a little sticky from time to time but I have a couple people I enjoy talking to so it's okay.

One of my co-workers is a deejay and music producer. He is producing music for his cousin, who can really sing, and they are close to a record deal. We share a bond of creativity that a lot of people don't understand. He knows how I feel knowing that I am close to being done with the first draft of my novel and shares in my excitement. We encourage one another and it's nice to have that person who understands what i'm feeling.

There are so many miserable people where I work. Part of me wants to feel sorry for them, but their attitudes are so disgusting sometimes that they sympathy goes out the window. Misery, indeed, loves the hell out of company. Our job is the end all be all for a lot of them because they have nothing else to do. They don't take the time to find an interest or cultivate a talent because they're too busy worrying about what everyone else has or what they're doing. Crabs in a barrel...

I was telling my co-worker that everyone he thinks is happy for him isn't. Actually, I told him that a long time ago. I stopped talking about my book with certain people because I could feel their negative energy, even when they had on a fake, supportive smile. He finally sees what i've been saying. People's true colors are starting to show.

All I can do is pray for them and keep it moving.

Until Tomorrow...

Dear Diary 9

2008-09-23T07:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Today is a me day. I took the day off the spend some time with myself. I'm not going anywhere, just chillin in the house alone. I did some laundry this morning and i'm about to make myself something to eat and relax. I'm so happy.

I didn't do any writing this weekend so I plan to get it going today. I'm right at the end of the final chapter and i'm feeling a little anxious. My pen and pad looks like a luscious t-bone steak. I'm unplugging the house phone and hoping no one calls my cell. It'll just be me and the ideas that I let flow onto the paper. I love writing my chapters before I break out the flash drive. I've just never been one to sit in front of the computer when it comes to writing my book.

The peace and quiet in my home right now is one of my favorite sounds. I love being alone. It gives me time to think. Most of the time i'm thinking about how the book is going to end and where I want my characters to go. I already have ideas for the next installment.

Well, i'm going to continue my me day and get as much writing I can before the family starts rolling in.

Until Tomorrow....

Dear Diary 8

2008-09-22T05:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I had a very relaxing weekend, no hanging out, no nothing. All I did was spend time with my husband. That's my favorite thing to do. We could sit alone in a room for a week and make the best out of it. We always have fun together.

Actually, after 19 years of marriage, we did something kind of cool Saturday. We joined a couple's group. He initially joined because of the incentives, AKA we get paid a thousand bucks over ten weeks, but now he can't stop talking about how much fun it was. We had a really good time getting to know the other couples, discussing different topics, and doing fun exercises. It was great!

We were the O.G.'s, along with one other couple. None of the other couples had been married over eight years. The husbands were just as involved as the wives and I thought that was nice because most of them admitted that their wives made them come. I'm the type of person who takes a little time to warm up to situations, but I felt comfortable immediately.

My husband, like the others, didn't really want to go. He basically did it for me. Even though we've been together for 25 years, I feel like there's always something you can learn. I really apprciate him not only going, but taking a big part in all of the discussions. That's not his thing.

It was only our first time, but we've already learned something. Our arguments can get a little heated and we were taught a technique that will help us keep things from getting out of hand. That's something I was hoping for. We're both really stubborn people and neither one of us are good at backing down. I think what we learned will definitely come in handy.

I'm happy that after all these years we're still in love. We're not together for the kids or convenience we really and truly love one another. We've been through some things that could have sent us over the edge, but we held on to each other and kept it going. We've raised two amazing people, our daughter has her Bachelors in Psychology and Masters in Early Childhood Education and our son graduated second in his high school class and is now a freshman in college. It feels great.

It's not easy to keep your family together. People don't always support you, or want you to succeed. We were young parents and people in our families tried to get us to abort our daughter. For years we held on to one another for dear life, feeling like we were all we had. I think those times laid the foundation for the relationship we have now.

I enjoyed being with my man, doing absolutely nothing. Like I said, it's one of my favorite things to do. I wouldn't trade the times we have alone together for anything.

Until Tomorrow....

Dear Diary 7

2008-09-18T07:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I've been having a lot of interesting conversations with the women I know lately and, frankly, it's been a little scary. I'm the advice person, so I hear all kinds of things. I've been told that i'm a good listener and problem solver.

It seems like every conversation i've had lately has been about what a man has done. It's almost as if women have started to wrap their lives around men. I'm sure this is not true of all women, but it is true of a good many. Why are women giving their power away?

I've been with my husband since I was 15 and he was 18. I'm now 40 and he's 42. We've had our ups and downs, but have always done what we needed to keep things together. It hasn't been perfect or easy, but we're still together. Relationships are hard. I love my husband with all my heart but he does not control the direction my life takes.

One of my friends is depressed over a man she's known for two months. He's not giving her the attention she needs. She asks me for my opinion and when I tell her to leave him alone she comes up with reasons why he doesn't return her phone calls (he's working overtime) or take her anywhere (he's tired from working overtime). Two days later, she's complaining about the same situation she made excuses for.

Another friend is devastated because she asked God for a sign to tell her what was going on with her husband and had a dream that he had a baby. She says it's her fault that he chose to be with someone else. I can't really get into a conversation with her about the situation because she's basing her conclusion on a dream.

I have a 23 year old daughter and she's definitely a strong black woman. I've tried my best to instill so much pride, dignity, and love for self in her that she wouldn't even think about allowing someone into her life that isn't worthy of the beatiful, intelligent, educated woman that she is. I'm proud of her, and proud of myself for raising her.

I'm not one who prescribes to the all men are dogs philosophy. I prescribe to the people can only do to you what you allow philosophy. If someone isn't treating you the way you would like, it's up to you to explain to them that you will not settle for less than you deserve and leave them alone if they cannot meet your standards. It's okay to be picky. We should all be selective about who we spend our time with.

Love of self is also a big factor. If you're not happy with yourself, how can someone else make you happy or vice versa? How can you give of a self you do not appreciate? When you truly love who you are you will not give the time of day to someone who doesn't respect you.

Women have a lot of power. I wish we would stop giving it away. We can't allow ourselves to be taken for granted. We are the mothers of this earth and deserve to be treated as such.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 6

2008-09-15T12:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

This is a poem by Maya Angelou that I just had to post.

Hey ladies,

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough
money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something
perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams
wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD
HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a past juicy
enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her
old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
one friend who
always makes her laugh.. and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a good piece
of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her
family..

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
eight
matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for
a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
a feeling of
control over her destiny..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD
KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit
a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend
without
ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN
SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK
AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her
childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she
would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....
how to live
alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY
WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to
go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a
charming Inn in the woods....
when her soul needs
soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Dear Diary 5

2008-09-15T07:03:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

Well, it's Monday. The weekend goes by so fast. I'm at work and it feels like I was just here yesterday. I cherish my days off.

Hubby and I went out with some friends Saturday night. We had a few drinks and laughed about this and that. It's easy to enjoy yourself when you're in good company. You know how you have friends that are family. That's how I feel about the couple we were with.

The night was wonderful, good drinks, good food, and good company. It doesn't get any better than that. My husband and I haven't been out with another couple in a while, so it was nice to talk about topics that couples who've been together for a while have in common.

None of us really wanted to end the night, but they have a two month old and wanted to get a little rest before he woke them up. We dropped them off at their place, which is about 15 minutes away from where we live. Just as we were heading down the path to our building, my husband's cell phone rang.

So, in the span of about twenty minutes, our friends got into a fight that ended up getting physical. She was home alone with her kids and he was gone. My husband and I were in shock and had no idea what to do. We went upstairs, both in a daze, and sat on our terrace trying to figure out what the hell could have happened. We were all having fun and they were hugging and kissing all night like newlyweds.

It turns out the whole thing started with a simple argument that escalated. Residual feelings and emotions came to surface and something tragic ended up being the result. I couldn't get any sleep. One of my friends was MIA and the other was at the hospital getting MRIs and CT-Scans.

I couldn't sleep. All I could think of was the demise another Black family. I'm not even sure I can continue this without crying. Why does it seem like all of our families are falling apart, even as a Black family has the chance of being the first family of the United States? It's scary.

I love my friends will all of my heart and I wish this could be worked out, but how do I tell another Black woman that she should give a man a second chance after he put his hands on her? I just wouldn't feel right. She asked for my opinion and all I could say was, "Do what's right for you."

So, it's Monday, and I have no idea what happened. I'm scared to call and hear that my friend is locked up for hitting his wife. This whole thing is crazy. I know that's not him. Communication is so important in a relationship. It's important that we talk about the things that are bothering us. If my friends would have done that, the entire situation would not have happened. We need our Black families together, raising strong, confident Black children.

I'm not sure what the conclusion to this situation will, or should, be. I don't even know what to say.

Until Tomorrow....

Dear Diary 4

2008-09-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

The work week is over. It was okay. Of course, I would have liked to be at home writing but I have to do what I have to do to pay them bills. One of these days my writing is going to be what gets them paid. I'm really focused and my eyes are on the prize.

Today my husband and I are going to hang out with one of our favorite couples. I'm really looking forward to it. I need to unwind. We're going out for a few drinks. I know it will be fun. It's always good to be around people whose company you enjoy.

I didn't get any writing done yesterday and I felt a little guilty about it. I'm right at the end of my book and I want to finish. I feel like a pregnant woman at the end of her third trimester. The anticipation is killing me. I'm ready to give birth to the novel that i've been carrying for the past year. It's time for my baby to be born.

I think my husband has been feeling a little neglected because I start writing as soon as I get home. For the past couple of weeks my focus has been on what i'm doing and not on him. Part of me says he needs to just deal with it, but the other part realizes that men need a lot of attention. I sacrificed my writing time to make him happy. He did tell me he was proud of my focus. That made me smile.

More and more people are asking me what my novel is about. Am I wrong for not wanting to tell them? I don't mean any harm but they need to wait until it comes out and buy and copy. Support a sister.

Tomorrow I have to make up for the writing time i've missed. Whenever I don't write I feel a little out of sorts. Writing is my Jerry McGuire, it completes me. I'm feeling a little incomplete right now, but i'll put myself back together tomorrow.

Time to go out and have some fun!

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 3

2008-09-12T05:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I just got my issue of Vibe magazine and it really made me sad. Ciara is on the cover and she's naked. There are also three naked pictures of her inside the magazine. As a black woman and a mother, I went through so many emotions when I saw the pictures. At first I was disgusted, then I was angry, and now i'm sad.

Is this what it has come to? Butt-naked on the cover of Vibe magazine?

I've heard Ciara say many times that she understands that she is a role model for young girls and want to be a good example. I'm still trying to understand how her naked spread in Vibe furthers her role model status.

I understand that this young lady is coming of age and becoming a woman, but she can't have it both ways. You can't call yourself a role model for young girls and turn around and pose nude in a magazine. I don't want to hear that she wants girls to be proud of their bodies. That is real nonsense.

The issue is not only why did Ciara feel the need to have put her body on display. Why did Vibe feel the need to have a naked woman on their cover? I don't think their sales are lacking. I just don't get it. I held that magazine in my hand and stared at it in disbelief. I felt bad for Ciara. I'm not a big fan of her voice, but I do think she's a talented young lady. I don't get why she would do something like that.

I have a daughter and even though she's 23 years old, I think she would think of her father and I before she did something like that. I can't help but wonder how Ciara's parents feel. I think I would be devastated if that was my daughter because I just would not want her to go that route.

We live in such a sex crazed society. There's that saying that sex sells and, unfortunately, it's true. It's hard to raise a girl these days. There are so many things she has to watch out for. We have to teach our daughters that they are more than t and a. We need to instill love of self and confindence into our daughters.

I would love to sit down with Ciara and the editors of Vibe and ask them why the nakedness was necessary. Would they editors put a naked man on their cover?

We as women have to do all we can to insure that the next generation of us are strong Black, Latino, Asian, White......women. It's important for the survival of our society.

Until tomorrow....

Dear Diary 2

2008-09-11T16:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I met a really nice, older lady in the nail salon today. She had such a beautiful spirit, and was fly as hell. Every part of her swagger was tight. She had a short, curly afro, her makeup was flawless, her outfit was tight, and her Louis Vuitton bag was to die for. She also had the prettiest smile i've ever seen.

We had some really nice conversation. She was a newly retired nurse and it was obvious that she was loving life. All I could think when I looked at her was, "That's what's up." I'm looking forward to the day when I can say I had a good career, took care of my family, and handled my business, and now it's my time.

This beautiful lady was getting the works at the nail salon in preparation for a cruise. She'll be off to the sea in a couple days and she couldn't stop smiling. I was so happy for her. It will be her first cruise and when I told her i've been on a couple she asked a lot of questions. Her excitement was infectious and before I knew it everyone in the place was talking.

Before she left, she told us all to, "Live a life that prepares you for tomorrow." She's in the second phase of her life and can enjoy it because she did such a good job in the first one. That was a lesson learned. It's never a bad idea to be prepared.

I pray that I can be as happy and fly as the woman I met in the nail salon when i'm her age. I think i'm off to a good start. I still have a few years ahead of me. I'm 40 and i'm just settling into being me. Hopefully, i'll have everything in place when I reach the age of retirement.

The first phase of my life is going pretty good. Hopefully i'll have a second phase like the woman I met today.

Until tomorrow...

Dear Diary 1

2008-09-11T08:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I found this poem and was so inspired that I needed to write it down.

BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN, YOUR BEAUTY IS SURPASSED

BY NONE

BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN, YOUR SENSUOUS

SPLENDOR IS LIKE THE SHINING SUN YOUR

WONDROUS WAYS COME FROM YOUR SOUL

WHICH NO ONE MAN MAY HOPE TO CONTROL

BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN, YOU ARE THE GUIDING

HOPE OF OUR PEOPLE

BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN, YOUR MIND MAINTAINS

YOUR GLORIOUS POWER

BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN, YOUR SPIRIT IS

LIKE A SHINING CHURCH TOWER WHICH POINTS THE

WAY TO HEAVEN ABOVE AND WHICH

SEEKS TO FIND TRUE LOVE

BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN, YOU ARE THE GUIDING

HOPE OF OUR PEOPLE

BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN, YOUR TIME IS LIKE A

PRECIOUS COMMODITY

BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN, YOUR EBONY WILL IS

STRONG AND FREE SO TAKE YOUR PRECIOUS TIME

AND YOUR DETERMINED WILL AND USE THEM BOTH TO

EMPHASIZE WHAT YOU REALLY FEEL

BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN, YOU ARE THE GUIDING HOPE

OF OUR PEOPLE

BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN, IN YOU LIES OUR FUTURE!

By Vernon J. Davis Jr.

Author of " Love Is The Beautiful Black Woman"