Sunday, November 15, 2009

Dear Diary 64

Dear Diary,

I am so proud of my son. He's more of a man at 18 than a lot of the so-called grown males I know. He is a sophomore in college and does very well in school. He worked at Yankee Stadium the entire season and loved it. How could he not? It's Yankee Stadium.

In the middle of the season, he found out that his girlfriend was pregnant. It was hard for him at first because he knew he wasn't ready to be a daddy, but something changed once he accepted that the child was coming. My baby boy became a man. I saw the change. It was in his posture, in his eyes, in his everything. He knew that he had to man up and that's exactly what he has done.

Baseball season is over and my son already had another job before it ended. He has also saved a pretty penny in preparation for his child's birth. He showed me his bank statement and I was very impressed. I still am. He has impressed me since the day he was born.

There's something about my son. He has such a gentle spirit and quiet nature. You feel comfortable when you're around him. He's always been that way. My boy is strong! I think back to the days when he was a toddler suffering from asthma. For some reason his attacks always came at the strangest hours. His father and I would be in bed sleeping at 4 a.m. and he'd come in the room in his Power Ranger pajamas and calmly let us know that he couldn't breathe. We were always more upset than he was.

My son has always been very active. He has the cuts, bruises, and stitches to prove it. He got hit in the head with a soccer ball when he was eight years old. Blood was gushing from his head and everyone was screaming, crying, and scared but him. He never shed a tear. The doctor could not understand how a kid could sit so calmly while he got staples in his head. I just told him that was his nature.

I feel like my son has always been mature. He has a way of looking at things that wraps them up in a neat, explained, and rational box. When everyone else is panicking he seems to be in a serene space. This will definitely come in handy when his child is born. I have no doubt that my son will be a good father. He's such a good person. My grandchild will be lucky to have him in their life.

Did I want my 18 year old son to be a father? No I did not. I know how hard it is to be a teenage parent. I wanted him to finish college, start his career, and be on his own before he had a child. For some reason God had other plans. The shock I once felt has turned to happiness. I'm planning the baby shower and wondering if i'll have a grand son or daughter. I refuse to do what I usually do and worry the situation into the ground.

It broke my heart when my son had to stop playing basketball for his team because he had to work. I know it is what he loves. I asked him how he felt and he said, "I'm doing what I have to do for my baby." I looked at him and smiled. I felt so much love for him that I thought my heart was going to burst. Well, I feel that way every day. He fills my heart with joy.

I have experience that my son can benefit from. He'll be fine. I know it. I have so much respect for the man he has become. His future is going to be bright because that's what he deserves. His child doesn't know how lucky he/she is.......but I do.
I will support my one and only son and the light of my life 1,000%. I'm doing it for my baby.

Until tomorrow....

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Dear Diary 63

Dear Diary,

I'm sitting at my cubicle crying. I've been thinking about my father a lot lately. His birthday is approaching. It's not as hard for me as it once was. It took me a while to be able to think of the good times and not go into a depression around this time of year. I know that he would want me to be strong and I finally feel like I can do that.

I love my father with all of my heart, faults and all. He wasn't perfect. Who is? Does perfection really exist? He was there when he could be. There was a monkey on his back that he had a really hard time shaking. He tried to find the answer to his pain in the bottom of a bottle. I knew that and accepted that he couldn't always be there when he wanted to be. He knew I did not like it when he drank so he only came around when he was sober.

It's crazy how much quality our time together was laced with. We went to Yankee games and talked about life. There are so many of those moments. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if he could have been there all the time. He was an excellent father, even though it was on a part time basis. We were extremely close. I never judged him and always tried to understand him. He's actually the one who taught me to be that way.

I'm not letting my father off the hook. He could have done things a lot differently. He had bouts of sobriety that lasted for years. Those were great times. He was everything a girl could want in a dad. If he could have stayed sober things would have been wonderful. I loved and supported him no matter what.

I found out about my father's death on his birthday. It was the hardest day of my life and I will never forget it. I also won't forget all that my father taught me. I learned so many life lessons from him. There are too many to mention. All I can say is he left a big mark on my life and the way I live. I know he's watching.

I am so glad that I am now able to think of all the good memories when my daddy's birthday comes around. I feel his love enveloping me every day. He's not physically here but his spirit is present in everything that I do. I hope he's proud.

Until tomorrow....