Friday, July 24, 2009

Dear Diary 56

Dear Diary,

It's not easy when a relationship you cherish falls apart. The Lord works in mysterious ways. He puts you in situations that force you to see who people really are and come out of any denial you might be in. Even though you may not realize it at the time, it's a good thing.

This is the situation i'm in. Circumstances have shown me who some people I thought were important to me are all about. After some careful thought I have decided that these people no longer have a place in my life. That's fine with me. I don't have time for dead weight. There's too much in store for me.

I have a problem with worrying. I've gotten a lot better but there have been times when I have thought things so deep into the ground that I stressed myself out. I can't do that anymore. There's no way I can move forward in my life if I am still holding on to the same bad habits. I'm learning to let go. It's not easy but it feels good.

Today I let someone know that I realized their place in my life and have decided to move on without them. It felt great. To be rid of energy that is bringing you down is always a good thing. Toxic relationships can really do a job on a person. I don't need that in my life. I don't need relationships that are not reciprocal. I just can't deal with that anymore.

Changing someone's place in my life doesn't mean I love them any less. It just means I have to love them from a distance. I'm doing all that I can to keep my heart healthy. It looks like that doesn't include people I would have loved to be a part of my life. I have to let go.

Someone emailed me this quote today and it really fits:

"Letting go of your old self and the process of letting the new you emerge can be one of the scariest experiences in your life. But by leaving behind your old self and taking a leap of faith into the unknown, it might just reveal what you are truly capable of becoming."

Until tomorrow....

Monday, July 20, 2009

Dear Diary 55

Dear Diary,

I wonder why things never really seem to work out 100% for me. Whenever I think i'm getting ahead of the game something happens to set me back. I know that I'm not a victim and God has a plan for us all. I get that. I don't want to seem ungrateful because I know that things could be much worse. I feel like i'm being prepared for a blessing. That has to be it.

I've always felt like I was being prepared for something. I guess i'm just impatient. How long does the preparation have to last? It would be nice to have peace of mind on a constant basis. I've been doing all that I can to be the best me possible. I've taken a journey of self and it has been very educational. I've learned a lot about myself. I'm so glad that I chose to look into who I really am and make the effort to be me and not who I wanted others to think I was.

Lately situation after situation have been popping up. It almost feels like I can't get it together. All I can do is pray and hope that God will give me the strength to handle what I need to handle. I have to take it all one day at a time. I don't want to become overwhelmed. I'm a strong black woman but there are times when it all becomes too much. I've learned to just take a breath and move on. It doesn't always work, but it helps.

In Jer 1:5, God says “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you.” I know he has a plan for me. I just wonder when it will come to fruition. I don't want to seem ungrateful or impatient with God. I just want to take a step forward without taking three back.

I know that you cannot have a testimony without a test but i'm growing a little weary. I'm not a selfish person. Lately I have just felt conflicted. I have a lot of faith in God and know that he has my best interest at heart. I'm just a little tired. I know that no one can live a perfect life and that's not what I want. I just want a little time to catch my breath.

Until tomorrow....