Friday, February 27, 2009

Dear Diary 38

Dear Diary,

I've been feeling so run down lately. One of my co-workers mom is really sick and she has been out. Since i'm the only one who knows how to do her work I got saddled with it. I didn't even have time to do my own. It pissed me off, but I did what I had to do. I would want someone to fill in for me if, God forbid, my mother was sick. I was swamped the entire week, but thinking of my co-worker sitting next to her mother on her death bed pushed me to continue.

Losing a parent is such a terrible thing. My father passed away ten years ago and even though it's getting easier to deal with, I think about him every day. I did not get the chance to tell him goodbye. I got a phone call telling me he was gone. That is the worst thing I have ever experienced. One minute we were making plans for him to visit and the next minute he was gone.

I try to live the life I think my father would be proud of. I know that he is watching me and I want him to do it with a smile. I miss him so much. He's the reason for my love of sports and music. We would talk on the phone for hours about the Yankees or the new music that was out.

The original Yankee Stadium is being torn down and replaced by some new fangled bull that's going to be so expensive that families will no longer be able to go to games. I'm so glad I have the memories of going to games with my daddy. We had so much fun. I loved sports when all my friends were beginning to turn into girly girls. I've always been sort of a tomboy.

I thank God that my mother is still alive. She works so hard. She's part of the reason I work so hard to get my book published. The dream is to sell so well that my mother can stop working. I'm sure that will take a couple books, but you never know what could happen. I love my mother. She's my example of a strong black woman on the move. There is not one lazy bone in her body. I hope to be like her when I grow up.

Here's to the father I lost who taught me so much and the mother who is the first strong black woman I ever met.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Dear Diary 37

Dear Diary,

There's so much going on in my head right now. I feel like i'm twisting in the wind. My birthday is coming up and although I haven't accomplished everything I would have liked to since I turned 40, I do think i've made some improvements and learned a lot of things about myself.

I've learned that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I can handle way more than I give myself credit for. I should have known that because God is not going to give you more than you can handle, even when you think you're overwhelmed. How can you appreciate what you have if it doesn't take a little work?

I still feel there's a blessing waiting for me. Too many things are being moved. I don't know what it is or when it will come; I just want to be ready. It's important for me to be the person who deserves what they receive. That is why I feel like i'm being prepared. I know that my mindset has done a lot to block my blessings. You get what you give. I've been way to pessimistic and worrysome. I finally realize that has to change if I want to get the things out of life that are waiting for me.

My children are grown now. I've done my job as a mother. It's their time now. My daughter has her career and my son has begun his college journey. Now is the time for their father and I to sit back and watch them live their lives. We filled up their belts, now it's time for them to use the tools. I'm very proud of them and thank God that I had a hand it adding two wonderful people to the universe.

My husband and I are really hitting our stride. We thought we'd be living alone at this time. Our daughter was going to move out and our son was going to go away for college. They both changed their minds. It's fine. I don't want my daughter to move until she has enough saved where she can sit pretty and live her life. My son's decision to stay turned out to be a good one because he received a four year academic scholarship and is a member of the school basketball team. He loves his school. He made the right decision.

I feel good about the life the four of us have shared. Even though our children have lives of their own and we don't spend as much time together, we share a very close bond. I love my family very much. They have been my blessing for a very long time. It has been a priviledge for me to be in their lives.

How lucky am I? I got to carry two lives inside my womb. It was my responsibility to nurture them and bring them into this world. I still remember the day both of my children were born like it was yesterday. My husband was there with me every step of the way, as he has been since. I am truly blessed.

There was a time when I let everything stress me out. I worried, worried, worried, and assumed the worst at all times. In the months leading up to my 40th birthday, I began to do a lot of soul searching. I'm so glad I did. I'm not all the way there yet, but I am learning to let go. Things will work out the way they're suppose to. It's all in God's hands, and I am so thankful for every blessing he has sent my way.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Dear Diary 36

Dear Diary,

I'm not sure how I feel about Valentine's day. I've been with my husband for a long time and we've never really gotten into it. We tell each other I love you every day. Our love is very evident. I'm not so sure we need a special day to prove it.

My son is 18 and this day is very important to him. He's spent days getting things together for his girlfriend and they have a big day planned. I think that's cute and very caring. Seeing how into it he was took me back to the days when I first met his father. I was 15 and he was 18. We only had one Valentines Day together before we became parents. I can't say I remember how we spent it, but I consider it special because it was the first one.

We've had our share of flowers, cards, and candy and it was nice. We did the dinners and romantic nights. It's years later and our feelings for each other have escalated, we've had our share of ups and downs, and we're still together. I love him more right now than I thought I ever would.

We didn't say, "Happy Valentine's Day," when we woke up this morning we said, "I love you." Some of the things we've gone through have taught us to cherish every day you have with the one you love. There's no need to save it all up for one day. This is a cute holiday but, hopefully, we all learn to let the ones we love know how much they mean to us as often as we can.

Until tomorrow....

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Dear Diary 35

Dear Diary,

I haven't been feeling all that strong this week. I'm tired and sluggish and my job is really getting to me. I want out of there.

Until tomorrow...

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Dear Diary 34

Dear Diary,

Lately i've been feeling like all of my senses are heightened. My mind is like a sponge, my heart is bursting with emotion, and my eyes are opening to so many things and seeing people for who they really are. I can't help but feel that a blessing is coming my way because i'm being shown so much. It feels like things are being moved to prepare me for what is coming my way. This is a great thing. I want to be a prepared receiver.

I'm 40 years old but sometimes I feel like a newborn. Life is about constantly learning and experiencing new things. At no time in their life does a person know everything. I've come across some who thought they had learned all of life's lessons. I don't really listen to these types of people or seek out their advice. No one knows it all and people who think they do aren't always capable of seeing things from other perspectives.

I learned a great lesson over the past week. The people you love aren't always who you think they are. The ones closest to you are the ones most capable of hurting you and not really caring. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I am so glad for the experience. Things were really put into perspective for me. I now know that I have to face facts and I am no longer burying my head in the sand about certain things.

When you love people it's hard to see them for who they are and not who you want them to be. I have been trying to deny certain traits of some of the people I love but they were put in my face in a manner that was hard to ignore. I now have no choice but to face reality.

There's something out there for me. I know that it's up to me to go and get it and i'm ready. I'm going to take all the things I am being shown and use them to make a better me. I've spent too many years not being true to myself because I didn't want to hurt others. Enough is enough. I got a big slap in the face and heart and I will not allow it to happen again.

I would like to say thank you to the people who hurt my feelings so badly that I had no choice but to woman up and move on. They have made me stronger.

Until tomorrow....